


Did you ever trust me?

by rokeat



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Drama, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Revealed, Merthur - Freeform, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-31
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-25 05:37:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 56,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/949231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokeat/pseuds/rokeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is not having a good time as the newly crowned King of Camelot, and everything seems to get harder and harder until he comes to discover the most shocking secret he could have ever imagined, greatly affecting his relationship with his beloved servant. SLASH Arthur/Merlin</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so here's my first canon Merlin story! Obviously, it's a Merthur one! By the way, English is not my first language, I hope you don't have to find a lot of mistakes! ;) Enjoy!

Merlin smiled once again at the glorious smell coming from the tray in his hands as he walked the last corridor to his final destination. That morning he had decided to spoil the King a little bit, with all his favourites for a nice and warm breakfast in bed. Merlin wouldn't even open all the curtains with violent and voluntary force, as he usually did, so as to wake him nice and slow for once, making sure Arthur could start the day in a good mood. He really deserved it, Merlin thought, after the events of the last few weeks.

Merlin tried to balance the tray to reach the doorknob, not bothering to knock so as not to wake Arthur up just yet, and entered the chambers silently, almost unable to keep the smile out of his face at what he expected to be a nice surprise. But the smile quickly faded from his lips when he saw Arthur leaning on the far wall, looking through the window with a sad expression. The same expression he had been wearing for more than three weeks and that made Merlin's heart break every time.

"Arthur?" Merlin called quietly, not wanting to disturb the pace of the room. "Are you alright?"

"Yes" Arthur responded too quickly, without turning to look at Merlin, who was depositing the breakfast tray on the table, already forgotten.

Merlin came behind the King and swiftly put his arms around Arthur's waist to hold him strongly, resting his chin on the blond's shoulder.

"Couldn't you sleep anymore?" Merlin asked, resting a soft kiss on the exposed skin of Arthur's neck.

"I woke up and you weren't there" Arthur answered with no trace of reproach on his voice, covering Merlin's hands on his waist with his own.

"I'm sorry, love, I just wanted to surprise you with a nice breakfast on bed before the day started and everything became complicated again"

"Aw, did you?" Arthur turned his head around to look at the beautiful face on his shoulder and gave him a small smile, though it was enough to make Merlin's heart swell with love.

"Yes, but you just ruined it" Merlin joked, and he started pulling Arthur, still in his embrace, towards the bed. "So return to the bed right now and let's pretend I just woke you up with a kiss, alright?"

"Sounds good to me" Arthur chuckled, and let himself be manhandled until he was once again lying under the covers on his side on the bed.

"Good morning, your Highness" Merlin said against Arthur's lips as he bent down to gently kiss his lips.

"Just five more minutes" Arthur joked, turning his back to Merlin and pulling the covers over himself.

"Hey!" Merlin protested, mockingly hitting Arthur on his side. "Why are you ruining it?"

"You told me to pretend you were just waking me up! And you know better than anyone that's what I would say if I was really sleeping"

"But now it would come the part where you'd actually smell what's in the tray and just realise what a wonderful companion you have"

"I don't need a tray to know that" Arthur answered honestly and cupped Merlin's face to bring it to his and be able to kiss his lips in gratefulness.

"Mm... I think I'll always bring you breakfast to bed, if that's what it takes for you to be so sweet" Merlin joked as he got up to pick up the tray from the table.

"I'm not going to complain if you decide to do so" Arthur answered as Merlin deposited the tray he was carrying on his lap.

"Don't eat it all, it's supposed to be for the two of us" Merlin warned him playfully, knowing how good and appetite his lover usually had –though not in the last weeks.

"I would never deprive you of your food, love, you're skinny enough as it is" Arthur answered lovingly, placing a quick peck on Merlin's lips before starting to eat his half of the breakfast.

Merlin took the chance to look at the King while they ate, trying to find any trace of the sadness and worry he knew had made their place inside Arthur's heart exactly three weeks ago. The moment King Uther had breathed for the last time. And they were there alright, Merlin could tell, if only for the fact of how quite Arthur was and how little he was eating, as much as he tried to fool him playing with the food.

"So what were you doing there, at the window?" Merlin asked after a while.

"Nothing special, just... thinking" Arthur answered evasively.

"About?" Merlin insisted, feeling the need for Arthur to let go whatever was troubling him.

"You know what about" Arthur answered with a sad smile. "You know me better than I know myself"

"That's true" Merlin chuckled in agreement. "So were you thinking about your father?"

"I miss him" Arthur responded, simply.

"I know"

"Sometimes I miss him so much I hardly can stand it" Arthur said, his voice breaking with emotion, and Merlin hurried to throw his arm around Arthur's shoulder and squeeze him hard against his side.

"You're not alone, Arthur" Merlin reminded him, pushing Arthur's head into his own shoulder and starting to stroke his hair soothingly.

"I know. You are the only reason I haven't fallen into despair by now" Arthur confessed, honestly, and Merlin felt a tugging of love in his heart for the wonderful man in his arms.

"I would never let you fall, love" Merlin answered, depositing a soft kiss on Arthur's temple.

They remained in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, both of them lost in their own thoughts, Merlin's hand never stopping the soothing rhythm on Arthur's hair.

"It will get better, you know" Merlin promised, breaking the silence.

"When? It's been three weeks and it still hurts like the first day"

"But that is only because it's still too recent. And because apart from being sad about your father, you're under a lot of pressure as the new King. You have some much to worry about you still haven't found the time to properly mourn him. Not the King, but the man. Your father"

"I guess that's true. But I can't help but worry about the kingdom at all hours. With Morgana on the loose, the imminent war with Cenred..."

"I know, it's a big burden to carry"

"I'm not ready for this" Arthur finally confessed his biggest fear, breaking Merlin's heart.

"Yes, you are, Arthur" Merlin told him seriously, letting go of him to cup his cheeks instead, forcing him to look at him. "You've been ready for quite some time"

"That's what he said" Arthur confessed, a lonely tear making its way down his cheek, unnoticed.

"See? Your father was not very generous with his compliments, if he told you it's because he really thought it was true"

"And what if he was wrong?" Arthur insisted, taking one of Merlin's hands still on his face to squeeze it lovingly.

"He wasn't. In fact, you've been taking care of everything since Morgana... Since your father fell ill" Merlin thought it was not the moment to talk about the betrayal Arthur's sister had committed not so long ago. "And you did great. You just have to continue doing it just as well and everything will be alright"

"When you put it like that, it seems so easy..." Arthur smiled, making Merlin chuckle and embrace him once again.

"I know it's not easy, but I also know you can do it. You're destined to be the greatest king the world has ever known. I trust you entirely"

Arthur smiled again and extricated himself from Merlin's embrace just enough to capture his lips, letting all the love and gratefulness he felt for his lover show in that kiss. With Merlin at his side, it almost looked easy. With Merlin by his side, maybe he would be able to do it.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin sighed again. He hated waiting, he always had. Especially if there was nothing for him to do meanwhile, apart from stupid little jobs, like polishing boots, to keep himself occupied. Once again he tried to hear the sounds coming from the training field, but the noise of the rain that had been falling for the past hour was denying him the chance, being as he was at Arthur's room, way up too high to hear anything but the tapping of the raindrops.

Normally he would be at the training field too, seeing his lover fight and trying not to flinch whenever he received a careless blow or one of the new knights put himself and Arthur into danger due to their inexperience. He hated that part of the activity, but if he was honest with himself, sometimes he loved seeing Arthur let himself go, his blond hair shining with the sun, his face concentrated but contented at the same time. Training was something that always helped Arthur to deal with his stress and his frustrations, so Merlin never complained about the long hours spent with it. Especially those difficult days.

But today he was not at Arthur's side. The second it had started raining, the King had insisted for all the people who was not directly involved in the training to go back inside the castle, making it especially obvious it was Merlin who he wanted out of the cold rain. Merlin had protested, but only a little because he knew when Arthur's mind was set on something, there was no way of changing it. And besides, he was only trying to take care of him, Merlin knew, and the thought warmed his heart too much to let him whine for too long.

He was so abstracted thinking of his lover, a goofy smile on his lips as he polished Arthur's spare boots for the third time that afternoon, that he almost missed the entrance of the person he had been daydreaming of.

"Merlin, I'm..." Arthur announced as he entered, making his way firmly towards the brunet.

"Stop right there!" Merlin warned him strictly, and surprisingly enough, Arthur obeyed.

"What?" he asked, confused.

Merlin made his way towards the fireplace, already with a fire going, in front of which a white soft cloth had been set on a chair's back to be kept warm, and picked it up. He then moved to his lover and so very gently he started drying Arthur's hair and face with it, taking his time to caress every portion of skin that was visible out of the heavy armour.

"You're dripping all over my floor" Merlin admonished him, with no trace of reproach in his voice as Arthur let himself be taken care of under Merlin's experienced and loving hands.

"Since when is it your floor?" Arthur joked back as Merlin started pushing him towards the bed and made him sit.

"Since I spend so much of my time cleaning it" Merlin joked back, kneeling in front of him to remove the dripping boots, feeling the need of taking care of his lover, who seemed so vulnerable being all wet and tired.

"Then I'm sorry, love, for ruining your hard work" Arthur answered, placing a kiss on top of Merlin's head before the latter was already standing up.

"And how was the training, love?" Merlin asked with a loving smile, motioning for Arthur to turn a bit around so he could sit behind him and start undoing the belts that kept his armour in place.

"It was alright. The new knights are getting better every day"

"That's good" Merlin agreed, removing the remaining pieces of the armour and making Arthur lift his arms so he cut get the chainmail off of him too.

"Well, all of them except for Sir Gilow. The poor boy is so clumsy he doesn't even know what hit him most of the time"

"Hey, what's that on your shoulder?" Merlin asked, moving Arthur's tunic a little to the side to look at the offending bruise forming in the King's skin.

"That would be Sir Gilow's doing, when his sword slipped of his hand" Arthur answered, shrugging his shoulders to show it was not important, and getting rid of the last of his sodden clothes before wrapping himself in a blanket Merlin was holding for him.

"Well, he is indeed clumsy" Merlin answered, a little upset at his lover's injury –even if it was not important–, and at the one who had caused it, although involuntarily.

"He's young" Arthur tried play down the importance of it to calm his lover.

"And clumsy"

"Why, Merlin, I thought you of all people would be sympathetic with him"

"Ha ha, very funny" Merlin answered, pretending to be offended, but Arthur was not fooled for a second.

"Hey, and what's that in my hand?" Arthur asked.

"What's wrong?" Merlin asked in return, alarmed, and he made Arthur turn around towards him again and picked up his hand to look at it.

"Oh, it's a flower" Arthur explained with his most adorable smile, placing the flower he had kept in his tunic on Merlin's hands, making him chuckle fondly.

"You can be so sweet when you want to be" Merlin confessed as he cupped the back of Arthur's neck to bring his face closer and capture his lips in a quick but loving kiss.

"It must be you, then, getting the best out of me"

"And to what do I owe this kind gesture?"

"I don't know, I just felt like doing something for you. I would have loved to bring you breakfast to bed in the morning too, but I thought it would look a bit strange for me to appear in the kitchen asking for some food for my servant" Arthur explained, and Merlin laughed at his silliness.

"Indeed it would look rather strange"

"But I wanted to thank you for how wonderful you've been to me these past few weeks"

"Oh, please, Arthur" Merlin interrupted him, but Arthur was having none of it.

"No, listen to me. I know I've been nothing but unbearable with my bad moods and everything, but you've been there in every step of the way, making it all so much easier"

"Of course I've been, I'm your partner, right? That's what I'm here for, just as I know you would be for me. Plus you haven't had bad moods, you've simply been sad and anxious, and understandably so"

"Nonetheless, I feel like I owe so much. You're the only person I can entirely trust, Merlin, and I'm grateful for each day you are at my side"

"You know you can always trust me" Merlin assured him as he embraced Arthur strongly to him, feeling the familiar stab of guilt in his heart when talking about trust, knowing how big a secret he was keeping from him. But Arthur was not ready yet to know about his magic, was he? His father had just passed away, out of respect Arthur was bound to be loyal to his father's beliefs and laws. It was legit to keep something that could well end up with your life a secret, wasn't it?

"Hey, you know what?" Arthur suddenly said, breaking the embrace to look at Merlin's face. "Tomorrow we could spend the afternoon in that pond you like so much, just you and I. We could have a bath, have dinner and watch sundown together. We haven't done it for a long time"

"Oh, Arthur, that sounds wonderful, but I can't, I'll be away all day looking for those special herbs for Gaius I told you about, remember?"

"Oh yes, I had forgotten you told me. But does it really have to be tomorrow?"

"Well, I can't keep postponing it. Gaius ran out of them almost a week ago and they are an important ingredient in most of the remedies he needs to heal people's common illnesses and injuries"

"You've been postponing it?"

"Well, I didn't want to leave you alone" Merlin confessed, embarrassedly.

"As weak and dependent as that makes me look, you're so sweet in your own unique way" Arthur smiled, gently caressing Merlin's cheeks with his knuckles.

"You know what I mean, I wanted to keep you company while you needed it"

"I know, love. And you'll be gone all day?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. They only grow in that valley near the lake, and it's half day away to go and half to come back"

"Alright, you have to do what you have to do" Arthur answered with a sigh, obviously disappointed at having Merlin out of his sight and arms for an entire day.

"Love, if you need me to stay..." Merlin immediately began, feeling guilty. "If you're not feeling well I could just go the day after tomorrow..."

"No, you said you've been postponing it already for days. I don't think there is going to be much of a difference in how I feel today than how I'll feel tomorrow, so..."

"Why don't you come with me?" Merlin suggested, and Arthur sighed again.

"I can't, I have a council scheduled at midday"

"Oh yes, I had forgotten" Merlin answered, now being him the one to sigh.

"Hey, it's alright, I guess I'll be able to survive a die without you" Arthur told him, smiling, so he knew he understood.

"I don't know if I'll be able, though" Merlin joked, placing a tiny kiss on the tip of Arthur's nose.

"I'm sure you will"

"But I'll miss you"

"I wouldn't expect less of you"

"Now, do you want a bath before dinner?"

"Do you know what I would really like? To lie here for just a little while" Arthur explained, already letting himself fall on top of the linens.

"Alright, meanwhile I'll..." Merlin started, but Arthur interrupted him and gently grabbed his wrist.

"I meant for the two of us, you silly" Arthur explained, pulling Merlin's arm so he forced him to lie down at his side.

"Oh, alright" Merlin replied, curling against Arthur's chest and starting a rhythmic stroking with his hand on the blond's skin. "I think that's a marvellous idea"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm sorry, it's so fluffy! I was going to start the action on this chapter, but the fluffiness kept coming and I wasn't able to stop it! But it will start next chapter, I promise! :)


	3. Chapter 3

Having already got everything ready for his trip and for Arthur’s day before the sun was even up, Merlin took a moment to watch the King in his sleep. Merlin smiled at the peacefulness of his lover’s face, his expression of total contentment. When Arthur slept, his face always relaxed, and all the lines of worry and stress would disappear to the point he looked like a little boy. Something that never stopped Merlin’s heart from melting, no matter how many times he had seen him in his slumber.

Trying to be gentle so as not to wake the King with a startle, Merlin sat on his empty side of the bed and leant over Arthur, impossibly close yet not really touching him.

“Love?” Merlin whispered in Arthur’s ear, instantly awakening him.

“Mmmm?” was the only answer Arthur’s voice could give.

“I’m about to leave now” Merlin whispered, not wanting to disturb the peace of dawn yet, as his hand found its way to Arthur’s fringe and gently stroke it.

“This early?” Arthur asked, his eyes still closed, his voice hoarse with sleep.

“The earlier I leave, the earlier I’ll be back and maybe we’ll still be able to have dinner together”

“That would be lovely” Arthur answered, finally opening his eyes to look at his lover and give him the most tender of smiles.

“I brought your breakfast already. It’s a cold one, so if you want to lazy around for a bit more, you can. And your clothes are ready on the chair”

“When will you stop acting like a servant with me?” Arthur gently reproached him, tracing Merlin’s cheek with his knuckles in a tender gesture.

“I guess old habits die hard” Merlin joked, grabbing Arthur’s hand and kissing its palm. “And I was born to serve you, remember? I’ll see you in the evening, alright?”

“Take care” Arthur warned him, not all that comfortable at the thought of Merlin spending the day in the woods on his own.

“I will. I love you” Merlin announced, leaning down to kiss the King’s lips for a second and then jumping out of the bed before Arthur had the chance to restrain him.

“I love you too!” Arthur replied to Merlin’s back, and even if he couldn’t see it, he knew well enough how big a smile Merlin was sporting.

**********

Arthur couldn’t see the point in staying in bed once he was awake, so only a few minutes after Merlin’s departure he threw the covers aside and made his way out of the bed. He smiled as he saw everything Merlin had done for him: the tray with his breakfast on his table, the clothes on his chair... He didn’t like to think of Merlin as his servant anymore, hadn’t liked it for a long time now. But it was true that he loved when Merlin took care of him, willingly, like that; it never failed to make him feel loved and important, like he had never felt before Merlin had arrived to Camelot.

He was just finishing dressing for an ordinary day when there was a knock on the door. He was slightly surprised at that: he hardly got any visits in his room except for Merlin, and Merlin never knocked. He had never knocked even long before they became lovers, actually, Arthur thought with a fond smile.

“Enter” Arthur ordered, as he tied his belt around his waist.

“Milord” Leon respectfully greeted the King, always the formal knight even if they could be considered good friends. “We need you at the Council Room. There is a matter of vital importance to be solved immediately”

**********

Arthur was all but running towards the Council Room. Leon hadn’t exactly told him what had happened; only that he was needed and that he would rather see for himself. And Arthur knew he would lose more time trying to get the words out of Leon that going and finding out for himself, so he hurried down the hall towards the place where he knew someone important must be waiting for him, sir Leon close on his heels.

That’s why he felt so surprised when, aside from some knights, Gaius and a couple of servants –including Gwen–, was only a girl, obviously a farmer judging by her clothes. Her face sported a couple of bruises and the corner of his lips was tainted with dried blood, as if the woman hadn’t even taken the time to clean it. And she hadn’t obviously had the time for it, Arthur could tell, because she was clearly exhausted, as if she had been travelling for a big distance and time without stopping.

“Milord” the girl greeted him when he saw him stop in front of her, respectfully bending her head for him.

“What happened to you?” Arthur asked her immediately, deeply disturbed by her state.

“I’m coming from Doryl, near the border with Essetir, Cenred’s Kingdom”

“Has something happened in your village?”

“It was attacked last night, by Cenred’s men. They claimed it for their kingdom and they killed or made prisoners everyone of us. They let me escape so I could come and tell you what had happened. I’ve been riding all night”

Arthur sighed and closed his eyes for a second to calm his nerves. He had known Cenred was on the verge of attacking one way or another, and with his father’s death and him being so inexperienced as a leader, there was no better time than that. He just wished he had waited a bit longer, until he felt more confident and strong in his position.

“This looks like a declaration of war” Arthur pronounced the words that had been plaguing the minds of everyone in the room.

“We can’t let them get away with it” Leon agreed, trying not to sound he was trying to give orders to the King, but mere advice.

“You say there are people still alive?” Arthur turned to the girl again.

“Yes. At least there were when I left last night”

“I don’t want to go there with a whole army and bring upon us a war we could maybe avoid. Maybe we can reach an agreement with Cenred...”

“Do you think that’s possible, Sire?” Leon asked, respectfully.

“All I know is I can’t start a war not knowing if there was a way to stop it”

“With all due respect, Sire, you didn’t start a war. Cenred did”

“Nonetheless, I have to try every possible way, the war can only be our last resort. I’m not putting the kingdom over its people”

“Yes, Sire” Leon finally relented, but Arthur could see that it was out of respect for him, not because he agreed, and that made Arthur doubt his own judgement.

“Only twenty men will go with me. That way Cenred will see we don’t intend to fight and maybe he’ll agreed to negotiate. You pick the men who will accompany us, Sir Leon”

“Of course, milord”

“You will stay here for as long as you need to recover” Arthur turned to the frightened girl again, more gently. “Guinevere, will you help her, please?”

“Of course, milord” Gwen agreed, already putting an arm around the girl’s shoulders in a comforting gesture.

“We’ll leave at first light” Arthur announced, already on his way to the door, when Leon stopped him.

“Tomorrow, Sire? Shouldn’t we leave right now?”

“Now?” Arthur hesitated.

“It’s still early morning, milord, we can make it there before light fades. What’s the sense of waiting a whole day, when for all we know Cenred’s men could already be attacking another village right now?”

Arthur remained silent for a whole minute, unconsciously biting his bottom lip as he tried to make a decision. He couldn’t admit the only reason he wanted to wait was Merlin; he couldn’t admit how much he needed that clumsy idiot at his side at a time like this. There was no way anybody could know the reason of his hesitation. So the only answer was to agree.

“Prepare the horses” he ordered, to no one in particular, as he left the room in a hurry to get back to his chambers and get ready for the trip.

**********

Merlin whistled lazily as he rode, feeling the usual contentment at the sun caressing his face through the leaves of the higher trees. Arthur would never believe it, considering how much he complained about Merlin’s constant chattering, but Merlin really appreciated the silence of the woods every now and then, the peace it brought to his heart, usually filled with worry and dread in such difficult times.

He felt especially happy when he noticed how good a time he was making. He was already near the lake where the plant he needed grew and it was not even midday. If he kept the peace, he would be back in Camelot before dinner and maybe do something especial with Arthur. Alright, they wouldn’t be going to the pond, as Arthur had suggested the day before, but there were plenty of other ways to make an evening special, weren’t there?

He couldn’t wait to see Arthur’s smile, the one he knew was only for him.

**********

Arthur sighed in frustration when he tried and failed for the third time to fasten one of the buckles on the back of his armour. It was usually Merlin who did, and damn it, why couldn’t the idiot be there, when he needed him the most? Arthur knew it was not his fault, he really did, but that didn’t make it any easier.

He was distracted from his thoughts by a gentle knock on his door, and before he had time to answer, Gaius’ soft footsteps filled the otherwise silent room.

“Oh Gaius, I’m glad you’re here” Arthur greeted him with a grateful sigh. “Could you please help me with those? I can’t really reach them”

“Of course, sire” Gaius immediately agreed, swiftly making the rest of the way to stand behind the young King, who remained deathly silent, lost in his own thoughts. “You alright, sire?” Gaius asked, a little more protectively that he had intended.

“Yes, it’s just...”

“What is it, Arthur?” Gaius insisted, leaving all formalities aside, moving to stand in front of him, buckles already fastened.

“I don’t like going out without Merlin” Arthur confessed. “I know it’s stupid, he’s not trained in battle, he can’t really help in that aspect, but... somehow I feel safer when he is with me”

Gaius sighed sadly. He didn’t like lying to Arthur about Merlin’s magic anymore than the young warlock did, but it was Merlin’s decision and he was not about to betray him. That, though, didn’t stop him from feeling he was betraying Arthur’s trust instead, and it felt just as bad. After all, Arthur was almost like a son to him too, he had known him from the day he was born and he had been at his side in times of need when even his father hadn’t.

“It’s not stupid, Arthur. I think Merlin has his own ways of keeping you safe” Gaius , cryptically.

“What do you mean?” Arthur asked, confused, and Gaius could see his choice of words hadn’t been the wisest.

“I mean... it’s normal you feel more secure with him by your side because he gives you strength, and because you know he will always be there to take care of you, in whichever way he can”

“Yes, I know” Arthur replied sadly, thinking of his lover, and not bothering to hide it as Gaius was the only one they had confided their love to. “I guess it’s better this way, actually, as I won’t have to be worrying about him being alright, but...”

“But you’d rather he would go with you, as always”

“Yes. I have a bad feeling... It’s stupid, normally it’s Merlin the one with all those feelings and instincts, but... I can’t help it”

“Why don’t you wait for his return?” Gaius suggested, knowing Merlin would want him to do everything in his power to delay Arthur’s departure.

“I wish I could, Gaius, believe me. But it’s a very urgent matter, my most trusted knights, including Leon, insisted, you already heard them. And you know as well as I do that I can’t make them wait on the pretence of waiting for my servant”

“No, I guess you can’t” Gaius admitted.

“Just tell Merlin I... I don’t expect him to be angry when I come back” Arthur joked, finding it difficult to find the right words.

“I will” Gaius smiled, squeezing Arthur’s shoulder in a comforting gesture.

“And... tell him I will be back. I promise”

“Make sure you do, son” Gaius pleaded, giving his shoulder a last squeeze before Arthur left the room without looking back.

**********

Merlin grinned happily as he approached the citadel. It was not even dark and he was already back, and with more of the needed plant that he would have ever expected. He was so excited that he didn’t even feel tired, despite having spent the entire day on a horse. Now he only needed to deliver his valuable load to Gaius, and he was all Arthur’s. He hoped the King didn’t have any urgent matter to attend, because he was surely expecting to have him entirely for himself.

The smile was quickly erased from his face when he noticed the unexpected number of guards standing at the citadel’s entrance. And the even bigger presence of knights inside the citadel’s walls, as if they were expectant, getting ready, waiting to be called into duty.

Merlin instantly started getting worried. But he had only been away for some hours, surely it couldn’t be that serious, could it? Forgetting about his earlier mission instantly, he hurried to the Council Room. Surely if something was happening, the King would be there, discussing it with his most trusted counsellors, right?

But nobody was there. Nor in the throne room; or in Arthur’s chambers. Getting more worried for the second, Merlin turned to make his way towards Gaius’ place: the old man surely would know something.

“Oh, Merlin. You’re back” Gaius greeted him, although without his usual warmth, Merlin could clearly see. Something was bothering him.

“Here you are” Merlin answered, giving the old man the small bag he had been carrying on his belt with the requested herbs. “Gaius, what’s happening? Why are there so many knights guarding the main entrance? And where’s Arthur?”

“Sit down, my boy. You’re not going to like it”

“Gaius, you’re scaring me” Merlin protested even as he obeyed the old man and sat opposite him in a stool.

“There was an attack in a village on the frontier of Camelot”

“Cenred?”

“Yes. There was only one person who could escape death or imprisonment, and she came to alert the King. He departed this morning towards the place”

“Do you mean... he went to battle?” Merlin asked, his voice shaking at the thought.

“He was hoping it wouldn’t come to that. His main purpose was to talk to Cenred and reach an agreement, he even left with only twenty men, but... we’ll have to hope it won’t be anything more than that”

Merlin brought his hands to his head and carelessly uncombed his hair with them, frustrated, trying to assimilate the terrible news he had just received. And to think only a few minutes ago he had been thinking of the best way to spend a romantic evening with Arthur...

“I have to go with him, I have to protect him” he announced suddenly, already starting to stand up, but Gaius caught his hand to prevent it.

“Merlin, they left shortly after you did, there is no way you could reach them before they arrived to Essetir’s border”

“If I hadn’t been so stupidly obsessed with coming back before sunset, I wouldn’t have left so early in the morning and I would have been here to leave with him” Merlin lamented.

“And how were you to know, my boy?” Gaius tried to reason with him.

“I can’t let him go to battle without me. What if something happens? What if I’m not there to prevent it and he gets...?” Merlin started, but Gaius interrupted him before he could say it.

“Let’s just not think that, Merlin”

“How could he leave without me?” He asked, a little hurt at being left behind, something that had never happened before.

“Merlin, believe me, leaving without you was the last thing he wanted, he told me so himself. But he couldn’t put the whole kingdom on stake for whom to the eyes of everyone is just his servant”

“But still...”

“And he doesn’t know about your magic, about how much you can help him and Camelot. He wants you at his side, he does, but there’s really no reason for him to believe he needs you in that way”

“You’re right. I know you’re right, but it doesn’t make me feel better”

“Before he left, he asked me to tell you he’d be back. He promised”

“Well, he’s never broken a promise to me before, so... I’ll just have to hang on to that” Merlin replied with a sigh, but Gaius could see he was not convinced at all.

**********

Arthur and his knights reduced their speed when they approached the village that had been attacked the day before. They didn’t want to look too intimidating, as if they were looking for a fight. That was exactly what they wanted to avoid.

It all seemed deadly quiet, and they couldn’t see anyone around as they reached the first houses of the village. It was as if Cenred’s men had already left the place. Was Leon right, and they had started towards other villages to continue their attack to Camelot before they even got there?

Arthur was about to dismount and tell his men they would make camp for the night before discussing what their next step would be, when suddenly the place was filled with war cries and dozens of men appeared out of nowhere and started running with their swords ready towards them, leaving them no way to flee.

“It’s an ambush! Retreat!” Arthur shouted at the top of his lungs, hoping to save the lives of his men even if he knew there was no escape, but it was too late: Cenred’s men were upon them before they could even move.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm warning you, I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, and it's also kind of short... But next one will be better and longer, I promise! :)

Arthur kept mentally tormenting himself for his mistake as he desperately fought against Cenred’s men. He should have listened to Leon; after all, Leon had much more military experience than him, and had already been the most trusted knight of the kingdom when Arthur was still a boy. Yet he had respected the King’s decision, even when knowing it what wrong. If they both survived that battle, he would make sure to compensate him for his eternal loyalty.

But no: Arthur had not listened to him. He had been arrogant enough to believe he knew better, only because he was the King. He had not made the decision of parting with only twenty men out of arrogance or seeking out for glory, though. He had only had Camelot’s best interest at heart, and trying to avoid a war had seemed the best option. Only now he understood he had chosen with his heart, and not his brain. He had not kept his head cold, like his father had advised him a thousand times before. And the price of that mistake was about to be paid by his men.

He knew his men were better prepared for battle than Cenred’s were: Camelot had always been intent on carefully training their men so they would be able to protect the kingdom in times of need. But there were like three men of Essetir for every one of Camelot, and the odds were clearly not on their favour.

Arthur was able to get rid of his immediate rival by a deep slash on his neck, so he had the chance of looking around before another one came to his encounter. At least five of his own men were already dead on the ground, and the ones who still had the fortune to stand, were giving the best of themselves to remain alive. All except one: young Gilow, who was covered by spatters of blood –obviously he had been splashed by the numerous fights going around him– and apparently so terrified he could not even move. He had miraculously being ignored long enough to survive until then, but as Arthur looked at him, a soldier from Cenred’s army started coming towards him, seizing his sword in the boy’s direction.

“Gilow, move!” Arthur shouted, but the young soldier seemed to be petrified, and even though he wanted to do what the King had ordered, his legs didn’t obey and remained rooted to the floor.

Arthur could see what was happening and he immediately understood: he had been an inexperienced beginner once too, and there was nothing more terrifying than facing death for the first time, however much trained you had been. His sympathy for the poor boy, plus his sense of duty about taking care of his men, made him run desperately to the boy, ignoring every sword and fight in his way.

When he reached Gilow, the poor boy was about to be stroke down by that one warrior that had noticed his immobility. Arthur threw himself in the way of the falling sword and was able to block it with his own, to which his rival let and outraged cry and attacked again, more forcefully this time, only to be stopped by Arthur’s weapon again.

“Gilow, run!” Arthur shouted at his back, as the boy had yet to move, and was relieved to hear slow footsteps that indicated the young knight had finally started walking.

Arthur’s opponent, though, took the chance at his distraction and attacked ferociously again. Arthur had been distracted, yes, but he was an excellent warrior and he could still react enough so his head wouldn’t be chopped of his body: he jumped to the side just when the sword was about to impact on his neck, but he was not able to completely avoid it and he felt a blinding agony in his shoulder, where the weapon had made a deep slash that was already bleeding profusely.

Arthur tried to make no sound of complaint at the great pain he was feeling, knowing that if Leon or one of the others heard it they would try to come to his rescue, and he wanted them concentrated on their own fights. Odds were bad enough as they were.

Before he had time to give any more thoughts to the battle around him, his rival was already attacking again, and Arthur quickly passed his sword to his left hand, unwounded, and blocked him. He wasn’t nearly as strong with his left hand, but the deep cut on his right shoulder left his good arm out of question.

A couple of minutes passed and all Arthur could do was to defend himself, not being given the chance to attack. He fell to his knees by the force of the attacks, but he skilfully put his feet behind the warrior’s ankles and made him fall on his back, so he had time to get up. It was the only thing he had the chance to do, as Cenred’s knight, completely enraged, threw himself against him once more, even more forcefully than before, taking advantage of Arthur’s injury.

Arthur felt to the ground again with an unwilling groan, completely exhausted by the effort and the blood loss, and he knew this time he was not going to stand again. Feeling his moment had arrived, he tried to picture Merlin’s smile in his mind, tried to feign he was there with him encouraging and loving him, but he could only imagine his tears when he did not return to him as he had promised.

“I failed you, Merlin” he whispered, not really aware of his surroundings anymore. “I’m sorry” he sobbed, as he saw the blade of his rival’s sword coming towards his chest at top speed.

**********

The morning found Merlin with his eyes still wide open, having not got any shuteye all night. How could he, when Arthur was out there, who knew in which state, facing perils Merlin wouldn’t even dare to imagine? It’s not like he had expected them to be back yet: even if everything had gone smoothly, they probably wouldn’t have been riding in the dark. They would have made camp all through the night and they wouldn’t be back until later that day, at the soonest. But that didn’t keep Merlin from worrying. From fretting, to be more exact. And he knew he would not get any rest until he had Arthur back in his arms, safe and sound, again.

He had even spent the night in Arthur’s chambers, in Arthur’s bed, taking comfort in the King’s scent remaining in the linens. He was careful that no one knew he was there, as there was absolutely no reason to justify his presence in the King’s chamber at his absence. Any other time he wouldn’t have dared, and he would have made his way back to Gaius’s place, to his own room, the one that had been so little used since he and Arthur had started sharing their lives and their bed. But that night there was no way he could not be there, amongst Arthur’s things, where he could almost feel Arthur’s presence. It was all the reassurance he could get, and he was surely going to take advantage of it.

As the hours passed, there was nothing he did that would alleviate his fretting even in the slightest. If anything, it seemed to be getting worse at every passing hour and still no sign of Camelot’s crest on the horizon. He just moved around like a lost soul until Gaius couldn’t stand it any longer and sent him to the market downtown to buy some things he needed for his remedies, hoping to keep him occupied, under the strict promise he would send for him immediately if Arthur came back before he did.

**********

The news of the return of the King and his patrol reached Merlin’s ears when he was still at the outskirts of town with no need of anyone coming to get him, and his legs started running towards the castle before he was even aware of it, his thoughts about what to buy already forgotten. He ran as fast as he could, but even then he couldn’t help but to hear the rumours spreading amongst the villagers: that only a few of the men that had left the previous day had returned.

Merlin arrived at the castle’s front stairs when Sir Leon was still giving orders to the survivors of such an unfortunate quest to take the injured to Gaius, and to take care of the bodies of the ones that hadn’t been so lucky. Merlin’s eyes fell immediately to Arthur’s usual mount, and he was appalled to see its rider was nowhere to be seen. Merlin approached the horse and his eyes fell immediately to its saddle, mostly covered by blood. He felt like he was suffocating, like there was not enough oxygen to breath, and his knees buckled until he found himself on the floor, unable to say a word or move a muscle. Feeling his heart was about to stop, when the truth was it was beating madly, his eyes got drowned in unshed tears and his throat produced a broken and guttural noise that sounded similar to his lover’s name.


	5. Chapter 5

Merlin was on his knees, trying to take deep breaths to avoid suffocating. He felt his eyes burning with tears that he refused to let fall, because that would be admitting that Arthur was gone, and he was yet not ready for that.

His head fell in his trembling hands, his fingers running through his own hair to grasp it in an attempt to feel some kind of physical pain that would keep him tied to reality or alleviate some of the ache in his heart, but nothing seemed to work. He still had to make an effort to keep breathing.

Fortunately for him, Leon saw him amongst the all the chaos and rushed to him, fully understanding the terrible thing the young manservant might be imagining.

“Merlin” he said, kneeling in front of him and resting his hand on Merlin’s shoulder for reassurance. “It’s alright. Arthur’s alive”

“Don’t lie to me” Merlin was able to articulate, imploring, hoping against hope Leon was telling the truth yet being afraid to have hope.

“I’m not lying, I swear. Arthur’s alive” Leon assured him with a gentle squeeze, glad to see Merlin sighing in relief, his frame shaking.

“Where is he?” Merlin asked, daring to believe.

“I had to force him to go and see Gaius. You know how he is; otherwise he would still be here, playing the hero” Leon joked, trying to make light of the situation on Merlin’s behalf. He had never seen the boy so shaken, and it broke his heart.

“Is he hurt?” Merlin asked in a whisper, the knot in his throat that had been loosening already tightening again.

“Yes, he was wounded, but... he’ll be alright, I’m sure”

“You mean it’s not serious?”

“Well, it is kind of serious, but at least nothing life-threatening, I believe. Hey, why don’t you go and see for yourself? He’s had a hard time, I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you too” Leon suggested with a fond smile, and in that moment Merlin understood that Leon somehow knew –and approved– of him and Arthur. And that thought somehow comforted him. Merlin smiled for the first time since he had heard the news about their comeback and nodded in agreement at Leon, swiftly standing up, his forces renewed.

“Merlin” Leon stopped him before he started up the stairs. “Physically he’ll be okay but emotionally... He’s not doing so well right now. Take care of him, will you?”

Merlin smiled sadly at the knight, gratefully acknowledging Leon’s friendship and loyalty towards the King. After all, aside from Merlin himself and Gaius, Leon probably was the person who knew and cared about Arthur –the man, not the King– the most.

“Of course, Leon, you know I will” Merlin promised with a confident nod. “Thank you”

**********

When Merlin made it to Gaius’ chambers, he found out there weren’t many men to take care of, only a couple of them. That, far from being good news, meant a lot of men had died in that mission, as only Arthur, Leon and two more men seemed to have come back alive and relatively unscathed. Another shiver ran along Merlin’s spine, feeling altogether thankful –and guilty at feeling like that– at the fact that Arthur wasn’t amongst the men who wouldn’t be coming back to their loved ones that day.

“Gaius!” Merlin called his mentor when he wasn’t able to find his King nowhere in the room. There were only the two wounded men, Gaius and Gwen, lending a hand, like always. “Where’s Arthur?”

“Arthur’s hurt? He isn’t here”

“Leon told me he had sent him here, but apparently he made sure to get lost in the way” Merlin answered, knowing how Arthur tended to make light –or completely ignore– of his injuries.

“I surely haven’t seen him” Gaius confirmed.

“Gaius, do you need me here? I have to find him, Leon said he was injured” Merlin pleaded to be dismissed.

Gaius looked intently at the boy he considered his son and could easily read the desperation and the love in his eyes. The old man could really use the help, the wounded men were really bad off, but he didn’t have the heart to keep him away from his love any longer. Furthermore, Gaius was very fond of Arthur too and if he was hurt, he would need help.

“Of course, my boy, you may go. Gwen will help me here, won’t you?”

“Yes, of course. You go, Merlin, take care of our King”

“Thank you, guys” he answered with a grateful smile before turning around and running to Arthur’s search.

**********

Merlin supposed Arthur’s chambers were the only logical place to look. If he wasn’t there, he didn’t know where else he could look. Yes, he could be in the throne room, or even in the council room, but Arthur was king now and there was no one he needed to inform right away after a mission, like he used to do with his father not so long ago.

Merlin sighed at the memory of Uther; it was not that he missed him or that he was even sorry for his passing. But he loved Arthur with all his heart and he knew how much the death of the old man had affected his son. Merlin would rather have Uther alive again, even if it meant being in constant danger of being discovered and executed for his magic, than having to see the desolation and anxiousness he saw in Arthur’s eyes sometimes when he thought nobody could see him. The heavy burden of ruling a kingdom had fallen on Arthur before he was ready. Or so he thought, because Merlin knew he was more than prepared to be a better king than his father ever was. But his insecurity, next to the sadness over the death of the only parent he had ever met and the misplaced guilt over the man’s death in the hands of a sorcerer he had brought to him, had made him fall into a state of constant sadness that Merlin knew he was the only one keeping it from getting into a real depression. And Merlin would make sure it would continue that way: he was going to be there for Arthur as much as necessary for him to be alright. And he was not going to let him drown.

“Arthur?” Merlin softly called as he opened the door, not wanting to scare or disturb Arthur in case he was there.

The only answer he received, though, was an involuntary sniff coming from the bed, and that was when Merlin discovered and immobile figure curled on top of the covers, only lit by a small candle on the bedside table now the sun had already hid behind the mountains.

Merlin rushed his way to the bed, and his heart broke into pieces at the sight of Arthur, his beloved Arthur, curled over himself, tears falling unnoticed down his cheeks from behind closed eyelids.

“Oh, Arthur” Merlin whispered sadly as he knelt next to the bed, his hand finding his way to rest on top of Arthur’s, carefully caressing its skin in an attempt of comfort. When Arthur didn’t open his eyes to acknowledge his presence, Merlin used his other hand to softly stroke Arthur’s hair off his forehead, as carefully as he would to a wounded animal. It was then when Merlin remembered that Arthur had indeed been wounded, and a quick look down his body revealed a blood-soaked shirt that made Merlin’s heart skip a beat. “Oh my God, Arthur, you’re covered in blood!” he exclaimed, suddenly terrified all over again.

“It’s not all mine” Arthur whispered almost inaudibly for, as much as he wished not to break the silence of the room, he loved Merlin above everything else and didn’t want him to worry unnecessarily.

“But you’re still injured” Merlin replied in a questioning tone, his hand never stopping the soothing rhythm in Arthur’s forehead. “Leon said it was kind of serious”

“It doesn’t matter” Arthur replied, his voices still no more than a murmur.

“Arthur” Merlin tried again, stretching so he could place a tiny kiss on Arthur’s forehead, unwillingly eliciting more tears to fall for the tenderness of the gesture. “What happened out there, love?”

The love and worry Arthur perceived in Merlin’s voice was the last straw for him, and he couldn’t hold it any longer and broke down in sobs. Although Merlin was not expecting it, he couldn’t say he was too surprised: Arthur had been holding on for too long. He rested his own forehead on Arthur’s and took the blond’s hand in his and entwined their fingers together, wanting him to know he was not alone.

“It’s all my fault” Arthur could finally say in spite of the sobs that ragged his body.

“If you mean the knights who... who didn’t come back today...”

“More men died today than the ones who survived. What does that say about me as a king?”

“That you had to pay a high prize to protect your kingdom and its people”

“And what if I made a mistake? What if I could have done things differently?”

“You couldn’t, Arthur. You know you tried everything in your power to avoid the fight. You did much more than any other king would have done to stop a war”

“Yet I couldn’t. The war is already upon us. And look what I caused”

“Arthur, I know it’s horrible, but it’s not your fault. What else could you have done?”

“Sir Gilow died in my arms” Arthur confessed, and Merlin sighed, understanding. So that was the real reason behind Arthur’s total despair. “He jumped at me to protect me and received a blow that was meant for me”

“That was incredibly honourable of him, and we should honour him for that. But don’t burden yourself with the weight of his death”

“But he died because of me!” Arthur insisted, not ready yet to get rid of his guilt.

“Because it was his duty, the one he had accepted and promised to take with his life”

“He was so young... it should have been me instead of him. My life is not more valuable than his”

“Please, Arthur, you cannot feel guilty for another man’s actions, even if those actions were taken to save your life. Sir Gilow made an oath to protect you and your kingdom, and it was an honourable death”

“It’s still not fair” Arthur cried, ferociously holding onto Merlin’s hand.

“I know it isn’t” Merlin tried to convince him, lifting himself from the floor and laying on the bed, next to Arthur, and putting his arms around him to bring him to his own chest. “Nobody should die at war. But you could do nothing to stop it, and you never asked anything of your knights that you were not willing to do yourself. I’ve seen you jumping in front of friends and almost getting killed trying to save them hundreds of times. More than I want to remember” Merlin shuddered at the reminder of the many times he had been close to losing his love because of his bravery and his sense of honour.

Arthur opened his eyes for the first time and looked at Merlin in the eye, feeling that familiar mix of love and gratefulness of having him he always felt when looking intently at him.

“You’re the only thing keeping me sane, Merlin. Don’t ever leave me, please” Arthur pleaded, strengthening his embrace on Merlin and burying his face in the young warlock’s neck.

“I wouldn’t dream of it, love” Merlin assured, also squeezing him tighter to his chest, resting a gentle kiss on the top of Arthur’s blond head.

They remained in silence for a few minutes, just taking comfort in the fact of being alive, together and with each other’s arms around them. Merlin knew it was far from over: the war they had been dreading so much was upon them finally, and the pain and the casualties they had had that day would only be a small fragment of what was about to come.

He also knew he should be taking care of Arthur’s injury. But Arthur seemed to be alert and there was no fever showing on his skin, so maybe they could still wait a few minutes more. Now that the young King seemed to be calmer and comfortable in Merlin’s arms, he didn’t have the heart to rush him out of it so soon.

“I’m sorry for sir Gilow” Merlin whispered, his lips touching Arthur’s forehead as they moved in an intimate and comforting way “but I’m glad he did it, if that means I can hold you in my arms for another night” Merlin confessed, and then he closed his eyes for a second in silent gratefulness as a stray tear made his way down his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, don't worry, the action is not over by all means! This is just a little interlude but, as Merlin said, the war is upon them! More action -and revealing- soon!


	6. Chapter 6

“Arthur?” Merlin whispered after a while, but he only got a sleepy groan as response. “Do not fall asleep on me yet, you dollophead, I have to take care of your wound”

“It doesn’t matter” Arthur sleepily murmured, but Merlin knew he was dismissing him out of guilt –as he didn’t feel he deserved to be healthy if young Gilow couldn’t– and not just out of laziness.

“Well, it matters to me, so yes, I’m taking care of you” Merlin insisted, extricating himself from Arthur’s embrace to sit up. “Will you let me take a look?” Merlin pleaded, looking at Arthur the way he knew always got him his way with the King. And that time was no exception, Merlin thought with a smile, as Arthur sat up in the bed too and tried to remove his tunic, hissing with the pain caused by the movement of the injured arm. “Here, let me help you” Merlin offered, doing the rest of the work until Arthur’s upper body was exposed.

The young warlock wasted no time in getting closer to Arthur’s shoulder so he could thoroughly inspect the wound, and a sympathetic hiss left his lips before he was able to help it at the sight of such an offending injury in his lover’s body.

“It’s not that bad” Arthur said, knowing what Merlin must have been thinking without even looking at him.

“Isn’t it? How you are not writhing in pain right now is beyond me. And you thought I would let you go away with this without treatment? It’s quite a serious gash”

“It surely bled a lot” Arthur admitted, groaning when Merlin’s fingers caressed the wounded skin, however careful he was.

“Oh, I’m sorry, love” Merlin apologized. “It will have to be stitched. I’ll go get Gaius”

“Gaius must be busy with the wounded knights, who were far worse than I am, I don’t want to take him away from them. Can’t you do it?” Arthur pleaded, and he could see Merlin doubting before answering.

“Are you sure? I guess I could, but it’s not going to be as good as it would be if Gaius did it”

“Well, I trust you entirely” Arthur answered in all honesty, and Merlin felt the familiar jab in his heart whenever his lover placed all his ignorant trust in him.

“Alright, let me get the supplies I’ll need” Merlin announced, placing a gentle kiss on Arthur’s shoulder, next to the wound, and jumped from the bed to go to Gaius’ and pick everything he would need.

After Merlin quickly checked with Gaius that he had everything under control with the wounded men, and Gaius advised him how to take care of Arthur’s injury correctly, the young warlock picked everything he needed to sew the King’s shoulder. He debated giving Arthur a potion for the pain, as it was definitely going to hurt, but he knew it would take some time to take effect, and it would not be as effective as a little spell. He couldn’t know, of course, Merlin would make sure of that, but there was no way he was going to let his lover suffer if he could avoid it. So he picked a little empty jar from Gaius’ shelf and filled it with water and a little bit of colorant, intending to trick Arthur into believing it was the remedy what was taking his pain away. Arthur would never know, Merlin thought with a smile, but he wouldn’t have to suffer.

It was less than five minutes later that Merlin was back at Arthur’s chambers. Arthur had not moved from his place in the bed, and Merlin left everything next to him to take Arthur’s hand and make him move to the foot of the bed, where it would be easier for Merlin to work.

“This is going to hurt like the devil” Merlin warned him, placing the jar on his hand. “Here, take this, it will alleviate some of the pain”

Arthur took the vial from Merlin’s hand and swiftly took the cork off it and drank it all in one go. Merlin took the chance as Arthur drank to pull a little spell on him that would take away most of the pain without him noticing, and retrieved the bottle from Arthur’s hand, now empty of the plain water it had contained.

“It’s strange” Arthur commented, licking his lips as if looking for some kind of flavour.

“What?” Merlin asked, confused.

“Gaius remedies always taste horrible. This one didn’t have any taste at all”

“That’s because it starts to work immediately and you didn’t feel it, you silly” Merlin quickly made up, thinking how he could have kicked himself in the shin for not thinking about something as simple as that. Fortunately, Arthur was too hurt, too sad and too tired to care about it, and simply bought Merlin’s explanation. “Ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be” Arthur answered, sighing shakily in apprehension for what was about to come, so Merlin gave him a quick but loving kiss on the lips to calm him down.

Merlin took a deep breath to calm his own nerves before starting. He had sewed some injuries before –as Gaius helper he was bound to be needed for things like that sometimes–, but never to someone so dear to him. Never to the person he loved most in the world. But it was alright, Arthur trusted him and he was not going to deceive him.

The young warlock started with the dreadful procedure and was relieved when Arthur only hissed slightly at the first touch: the spell seemed to be working alright. As he worked in silence, Merlin threw some furtive glances at Arthur’s face to see how he was fairing, but the blond was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice, and Merlin wished, not for the first time, that he could get rid of the pain in Arthur’s heart as easily as he had done with the one in his body.

“What do you see in me?” Arthur asked, all of a sudden, surprising Merlin with the odd question.

“Why are you asking me that? Have you still not understood you’re everything to me?” Merlin asked, apparently a little offended by the doubt he seemed to perceive in Arthur’s voice.

“I do know that” Arthur answered, and Merlin had to smile at Arthur’s confidence in his love for him. “I just don’t understand why”

Merlin’s heart ached again at Arthur’s frail self-confidence. People always saw Arthur as a proud, confident and strong warrior, maybe even too cocky sometimes. But it was only a facade to hide his true self. Only Merlin, and Gaius to some extent, knew how much Arthur questioned himself sometimes, how many insecurities were left on him after a lifetime of feeling like a failure because of an over-strict father.

“Maybe it’s the fact you’re the bravest man I know, and I don’t mean just in battle” Merlin stated, stopping his nursing for just a second to lovingly stroke Arthur’s arm up and down. “Or how intelligent, funny, sensitive and loving you are. Or maybe the fact that you have the biggest heart one could ever imagine”

“Are you sure I’m all that?” Arthur asked in a whisper, still not able to understand why Merlin seemed to love him so much. He was sure he had done nothing to deserve it.

“Yes, I’m completely sure” Merlin answered, without a trace of doubt, as once again concentrated at the job at hand.

“How?”

“Because I know you, Arthur. I know you better than I know myself and even if you can’t see it right now, you have to believe me. Do you think I would fall in love with a less than perfect man?” Merlin joked, and was happy to gain a little smile from his partner.

“How do you not get tired of me, always being so weak and insecure, always needing so much reassurance?”

“Alright, first of all, you’re not weak, alright? Have you not been listening to me at all? And do you think I would love you more if you never doubted yourself? If anything, I love you even more for letting me see this part of you you don’t let anyone else see. It makes me feel special”

“You are special” Arthur answered, with so much devotion in his voice and gaze that it was all Merlin could do not to burst out crying. “I could never have done any of this without you”

“Of course you could have. But I hope you never have to see it, because I want to be at your side for all eternity” Merlin confessed as he finished his job, taking the offending bloodied instruments away and going for the bandages to cover the wound.

“Believe me, if I have anything to say in it, you will” Arthur promised before stretching his neck to place a tender kiss on Merlin’s lips.

The tender union of lips soon seemed not to be enough, and both of them went for a deeper kiss, hunger for the separation of the previous day and the fear and anxiousness both had had to go through.

Arthur’s uninjured arm found its way around Merlin’s waist and pulled him to him, so when the kiss broke the King made a trail of kisses down the warlock’s jaw until it reached his neck.

“Arthur” Merlin protested, though not too firmly. “I have to bandage your wound”

“This is more important” Arthur whispered against the skin on Merlin’s neck, sending shivers all along his body with his breath.

“And what if it becomes infected?” Merlin asked at the same time that he threw his head backwards to give Arthur’s lips better access to his receptive neck.

“I’ll take the risk” Arthur answered, his voice husky with desire, as he made his way up Merlin’s skin again to capture his lips in a hungry kiss as he felt Merlin finally relenting completely and running his fingers all along his blond hair, gently pulling in a desperate need of bringing him even closer.

Arthur’s hands kept half caressing, half tickling, Merlin’s sides, until at last they needed the contact with his skin and found their way under Merlin’s tunic to the small of his back. Arthur smiled into the kiss at Merlin’s groan when his hand touched the sensitive area, but soon it was his own sound of pleasure he heard when Merlin gently sucked at the base of his neck.

They were so lost in each other that they barely heard the knock on the door. Merlin jumped from Arthur’s body like a spring and tried to hide his flushing as he played with the instruments he had just used, feigning taking care of them.

“Who is it?” Arthur asked.

“It’s Gwaine and Percival, Sire”

“Enter” Arthur allowed, and then he spoke more quietly to his lover. “Merlin, your shirt”

Merlin looked down on himself and noticed how his tunic was all crumpled and lifted up to the middle of his chest, so he quickly grabbed it and put it back in place in one strong pull.

“Well, you should see you hair...” Merlin answered, grumpily.

“If you didn’t always have such a fixation with my hair...” Arthur protested as he moved his fingers through his hair, trying to flatten it.

“It’s a nice hair” Merlin answered with a mischievous smile, and it was all Arthur could do not to fondly roll his eyes at him as the door clicked open and Gwaine and Percival made their way in.

“Arthur?” Percival asked as soon as he was in the room, never one for a lot of formalities. “Are you alright? Leon told us you had been hurt. He was worried about you”

“I’ll live” Arthur plainly answered.

“He’ll live if he lets me take care of that wound properly instead of playing down the importance of it” Merlin complained as he grabbed the bandages still laying on the bed, unaware of how worried and protective he had sound until he noticed Percival and Gwaine’s knowing smiles.

“He is lucky to have you, then” Gwaine joked, but Arthur took it seriously.

“I surely am” he answered, honestly, confidently, and Merlin looked at him in surprise before taking the bandages from the bed and starting bandaging the injured area at last.

“Where does this lead us, Arthur?” Percival asked, all joking aside in behalf of more important matters.

“To war” Arthur answered, simply, as he knew he didn’t need to say anything else. Gwaine and Percival, next to Leon, Elyan and Lancelot, were his most trusted knights, and few words were needed between them to know what the others were thinking. “You know there is no other option, right?”

“We know if there was something you could do, Arthur, you would” Gwaine answered, honestly, and Merlin smiled at the knights loyalty towards his lover, as he finally finished the bandage.

“So can I count on you?” Arthur asked them, though he already knew the answer.

“Nothing could keep us away from your side, Arthur” Percival solemnly promised, and Arthur just nodded at them, apparently too moved for words at the moment.

“Shall we convene a council with the knights for tomorrow?” Gwaine offered, not wanting their King to have to worry about anything else until next day.

“Yes, please, at first light” Arthur answered once he found his voice. “We’ll leave immediately after that. Have the men ready. We don’t have time to lose”

“Alright, sire. We’ll leave you to your rest now” Gwaine said with a smile as he gently pushed Percival to the door.

“Boys?” Arthur called them just as they were about to disappear, making them turn. “Just... thank you”

Gwaine and Percival only nodded and smiled in approval, and bowed their heads as a sign of respect before they made their way out.

Merlin turned to the silent King as soon as the door closed, and his hand found its way to Arthur’s fringe to caress it out of Arthur’s face.

“You seem tired” Merlin commented, smiling at his lover once Arthur’s face rose to look at him.

“I am”

“Are you alright?”

“Not really” Arthur answered with a sad smile as he laid down again in the bed, resting his head on the pillow with a tired sigh, and lifted a hand for Merlin to take, silently inviting him to accompany him, to which Merlin quickly complied. He laid down on his back and waited for Arthur to curl at his side, resting his head on Merlin’s shoulder and letting himself be engulfed in the young warlock’s embrace.

The excitement of the day soon started showing its consequences and Arthur’s eyes fluttered until he fell asleep, slightly tickling the skin on Merlin’s chest with his breath, making him smile fondly at his lover.

“I’ve got you, love. Sleep well” Merlin whispered against his forehead, his lips making contact with Arthur’s skin, his arm going up and down Arthur’s spine.

“You’ll stay?” Arthur’s voice, slurred by sleep, surprised Merlin for a moment who had thought his lover was already asleep.

“I’ll stay” he promised, and then he closed his eyes to accompany Arthur to the land of dreams. Tomorrow and the darkness it would bring would have to wait awhile yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, so the war begins! I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to update as quickly as I've been doing until know, 'cause the chapters about to come seem much more difficult to write, but... I'll try my best!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to post a new chapter, especially considering I'm not completely happy with it... At least it's quite long ;)

Everybody in Camelot awoke with a dreadful feeling in his guts the next morning. The news of what had happened to the King and his men had reached every house in the village, and the fear of a war, that until then had been so abstract, had suddenly become definite. They trusted their King with their lives, they knew he would take the best course of action and protect them as long as he could. But that didn’t mean they were not in danger.

Merlin could read this same fear in Arthur’s eyes as they got ready for the day in the King’s chambers. Not fear for his life, Merlin knew that much. But he feared he might take the wrong decision again, that he would fail in protecting his people, that he wouldn’t know what to do. And Merlin was afraid too: he feared for Arthur’s life and emotional wellbeing.

“Merlin, please, could you help me with the armour?” Arthur asked, taking Merlin out of his reverie, coming to him and depositing the pieces on the table.

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to be your servant anymore” Merlin joked, trying to break the tension of the room.

“That’s why I said _please_ ” Arthur joked back, placing a tiny kiss on Merlin’s nose, and the latter could only comply and help Arthur get ready.

Merlin worked in silence, carefully tightening all the belts that kept Arthur’s armour in place. He pretended not to notice how the King hissed when the armour made contact with the wound on his shoulder, because he knew Arthur would not appreciate the concern right then and the last thing Merlin wanted was to put more pressure over him. But he couldn’t help but to worry about him.

“Ready?” Merlin asked when he was finished, firmly holding Arthur’s arm as if he could somehow pass some confidence and reassurance on him.

Arthur nodded, not finding the need for words, and gladly smiled at Merlin in gratitude when the latter joined their lips in a quick peck and gently pushed him through the door of his chamber. It was time to face reality.

**********

All his most trusted knights were already in the Council Room when Arthur made his appearance, Merlin close at his heels. In moments like that Arthur felt very grateful Merlin was still his servant to the eyes of everybody in Camelot, as he could have him near to support him in almost any situation. Like the one they were about to live now: when Arthur would officially declare war on Essetir.

“Gentlemen” Arthur greeted them when he made it to the end of the table.

“How are you feeling, milord?” Leon was quick to ask, worried as always about his friend.

“I’m alright, Leon. Thank you for your concern” Arthur nodded at him in agreement, and turned to the rest of his men. “I guess you all know the terrible happenings that took place in our deeply failed mission”

Nobody said a word, but Arthur saw a few of the men (the ones who were not so close to him so as to be considered friends) lower their heads, as if wanting to avoid his gaze so he would not guess their disappointment in him, or so he thought. He noticed, though, how Leon, Gwaine, Percival and Elyan all looked at him, heads high, as if daring someone to speak ill of their king, and Arthur had to suppress a smile at their never-ending loyalty.

“So, as you can imagine, there’s no way to avoid war now if we want to protect the people of Camelot” Arthur announced.

“We’re behind you, sire” Gwaine spoke on every knight’s name, giving him their support.

“We’ll leave immediately. Only a small guarding  patrol will stay in Camelot, to protect it if need should arise, and everyone else will be going with me”

“Why don’t we wait for them here?” Percival suggested. “We’ll stand a better chance, they won’t be able to enter that easily”

“I know, but we can’t risk it” Arthur explained. “If they do enter, we’ll be putting everyone in the citadel at risk. And it would be a death sentence for those living outside the walls” Arthur answered confidently, though Merlin could tell he was doubting himself in every one of the words he was saying after the hard blow of just two days ago.

“You’re right, milord” Leon nodded. “We should meet them half way if they are already coming for us”

“Does anybody else have anything to say?” Arthur asked, always ready to give his men the voice to suggest and give their opinion, but nobody said anything. They knew it was the only thing they could do. “In that case, we’ll leave immediately”

**********

As Arthur and his army readied the horses and the supplies they would need (as they probably wouldn’t reach Essetir’s army until next day and they would camp for the night), Merlin approached Arthur, worried as he was about his physical wellbeing.

“Are you sure you’re up to this?” Merlin asked. “You’re still wounded”

“It’s not that bad” Arthur dismissed him as he tried to tighten the belt on the horse’s saddle, but the movement of the arm was causing him some pain that clearly reflected on his face, so Merlin gently pushed him aside and finished the job himself.

“Arthur, I took care of it, I know exactly how bad it is. It has to be quite painful. I saw you flinch when the armour made contact with it, and even know I can tell you’re hurting, you can’t deny it”

“Well, of course it hurts. But what do you want me to do, to tell the knights to go on without me because I have a little pain on my shoulder?”

“I don’t think it’s just a little pain. And it’s not just that. That wound could easily get infected if not treated carefully”

“I promise I’ll take care of it so that doesn’t happen”

“I’ll make sure to do it myself, thank you” Merlin cockily answered, moving to the next horse, that Arthur hadn’t noticed until then.

“Merlin, you’re not coming” Arthur suddenly said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Excuse me?” Merlin asked, his eyes so wide Arthur would have laughed if the situation wasn’t so dramatic.

“I thought you knew”

“What, that you were planning to leave me behind? Sorry, I had no idea” Merlin answered, quite indignant in Arthur’s opinion.

“Look, I know you always come with me but...” Arthur tried to reason with him “this is not a watch patrol, it’s not a mission or a hunting trip. This is a real war and... I can’t risk bringing you with me”

“What do you mean, you can’t risk it?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to protect you” Arthur explained, begging him to understand his fears for him.

“I don’t need you protecting me, you know? I’m a big boy now” Merlin sarcastically replied.

“Merlin, you don’t know how to fight. What are you going to do when someone attacks you? Because it’s going to happen”

“I don’t know what I will do, but I’ll manage” Merlin assured him, once again frustrated about not being able to tell Arthur the truth about his magic. “I’m going with you”

“Merlin, no...” Arthur insisted, shaking his head sadly.

“Arthur, I’m not asking for your permission. I didn’t go with you once and look what happened. It’s me who is not risking it”

“Merlin, as much as I love you and I would have loved for you to be by my side, what difference would that have made?”

“I don’t know” Merlin lied. “At least I would have been able to take care of you sooner”

“You mean if you hadn’t been hurt too or...” Arthur shuddered at the thought of losing Merlin, and the latter felt a rush of love and sympathy towards him, knowing how it felt to see your lover hurt. He was not going to be convinced to stay, though.

“I know what it feels to worry about the person you love. Believe me, I do” Merlin explained, discreetly picking Arthur’s hand in his. “That’s why I can’t stay here, not knowing if you’re alright, or even alive. You can’t ask me that”

“Merlin, that’s an order” Arthur answered, but he didn’t sound convincing even to himself.

“To hell with your orders, Arthur, I’m going. You’ll have to lock me in the dungeons if you want to stop me and, even then, I promise you I will find my way out before you can even know what happened. If I get to go at your side or at your shadows depends only on you”

“I really can’t stop you, can I?” Arthur answered fondly, unable to stop a smile spreading in his lips in spite of the obvious defiance in Merlin’s words.

“You can try” Merlin answered, equally smiling.

“You’re something else, aren’t you?”

“No, I just want to take care of you”

“Alright. I guess it’s your decision” Arthur finally conceded, not at all convinced but knowing there wasn’t anything he could do.

“It is”

“Don’t blame me if you end up pushing up the daisies” Arthur sadly joked, his heart already beating faster with apprehension of what was about to come.

“I won’t, I promise” Merlin joked back with a wink and squeezed Arthur’s hand a little tighter before letting go of it.

**********

They spend the day advancing towards the enemy. They were all both apprehensive and anxious about the battle, but they didn’t want to rush it because they wanted to be prepared and rested, as well as the horses, so the best solution would be to camp for the night and wait until the next day.

When they found a secluded place that would give them enough protection in case of danger, everybody started working to make camp. Sometimes they would install some tents to be more comfortable, but they were not going to do it this time, as they were only going to spend one night and they needed to be prepared, just in case Essetir’s army would reach them before they expected.

As soon as they stopped, Merlin asked Arthur to let him see the wound, but the latter quickly dismissed him and said he was going to collect wood for the fire.

Merlin took charge of the cooking, as he usually did, but out of the corner of his eye he could see Arthur trying to pick up the wood for the fire. He was not being very successful, though, because just the motion of stretching his arm every time to grab a log was torture, just as it was to hold the ones he had already picked if he changed hands. They kept continually falling off his arms, Merlin noticed the third time he heard Arthur curse the logs. He was about to take pity on him and help him when he saw Percival beat him to it.

“Oh, thank you, Arthur, let me take them” he said grabbing all the wood from the floor and from Arthur’s arms without making a big deal or giving him the chance to protest.

Merlin chuckled silently at the lost expression on Arthur’s face when his job was taken from him. He knew Arthur was frustrated –about the war, about his injury–, and his way to deal with it was to keep himself occupied. Not really knowing what to do, he moved to the horses and tried to unsaddle his, again unsuccessfully because of the heavy weight of the saddle.

Merlin could only see him struggling for a minute until he couldn’t stand it no more and swiftly walked to him, not wanting to embarrass him but needing to stop his stupid actions before he would reopen the wound.

“You don’t have to do everything yourself” Merlin told him as he put his hand over Arthur’s to stop his movement. “I’m sure any of the boys or myself will gladly help you in anything you need”

“I didn’t come here to sit and watch the others do all the work, Merlin. I came here to fight” Arthur protested, shrugging Merlin’s hand and trying again to lift the saddle.

“Yes, and fighting is something you won’t be able to do if you keep forcing that shoulder so much. You should take it easy so when the time comes you’re as strong and healthy as possible”

“Give me that” Elyan said as he passed by Arthur and jokingly pushed him away from the horse and he continued unsaddling it without saying anything else.

Arthur just sighed in frustration –why did everybody had to defy him like that?– and said no word as he turned around, purposefully walking away from Elyan and especially Merlin.

“Now will you let me take a look at your wound?” Merlin insisted to Arthur’s back, even if he knew the answer he was going to get.

“Not now, Merlin” Arthur protested, not turning away to look at him nor stopping because of the frustration he was feeling.

“But, Arthur...”

“I said _not now_ , Merlin. I’ll go and fill some canteens by the stream” he announced as he disappeared, and Merlin let him go with a sigh, knowing he needed to be alone for a while.

“Don’t worry about him, Merlin” Leon whispered to him when he approached the fire in which Merlin was cooking. “You know how stubborn he is”

“Yes, I know” Merlin smiled gratefully at Leon, grateful he had someone who knew about them to some extent and whom he could talk to at times like this. “He just... he can’t stand being injured, and he has so much pressure on his shoulders...”

“He just needs a moment to work on his anger” Leon answered with a knowing smile. “He’ll be back to being sweet Arthur once he has calmed down”

“ _Sweet Arthur_? Have you just met him?” Merlin joked.

“Yeah, try to convince me you don’t think he’s sweet” Leon joked back, friendly slapping Merlin’s back as he stood up again to keep making camp.

**********

As Leon had wisely predicted, Arthur came back after a while and silently made his way to Merlin, sitting next to him with their backs against a big log as a silent apology and smiling at him when Merlin tenderly offered him a plate.

“Thank you” Arthur plainly said, although Merlin could read much more on his voice and his eyes, so he moved nearer to him and kept eating.

There was a light conversation between the men, some bad joking and a lot of camaraderie, but none Arthur or Merlin took place in it. They contented themselves with the contact of their bodies, pressed against each other from shoulder to thigh, and the knowledge of the love they shared.

After a while, some of the knights started getting sleepy, so after the guarding shifts had been scheduled, some of them starting spreading their bedrolls and only a few of them remained around the fire.

Merlin could see Arthur’s eyes growing heavy –as he was obviously still not recovered from his wound–, and he knew he needed to take care of him as soon as possible so then the King could sleep as much as he needed to.

“I really need to have a look at your wound now, Arthur” Merlin said, turning to him, and he immediately noticed Arthur tensing again. Why did he have to be so stubborn?

“It’s not necessary, Merlin, it doesn’t hurt, it can’t be that bad” Arthur answered, obviously sick and tired of being the centre of attention because of an injury.

“Well, it will be if we don’t keep it clean, so please...”

“Merlin, will you let it go, please? I’m alright, there’s no need...”

“For God’s sake, Arthur!” Leon almost shouted, surprising everyone because of the unexpectedness of it. “Will you please let Merlin take care of your wound?”

“But...” Arthur mumbled, trying to defend himself like a little child being scolded by his parents.

“No buts. You’ve been like this all day and, honestly, Arthur, I’ve had it up to here! We need you whole and healthy for this, so if you’re too foolish to do it for yourself, at least do it for Camelot, you stubborn... sire” Leon finished, his face turning into a bright red when he became aware of his outburst and the way he had talked to his King.

Nobody dared to speak a word, some of them –like Merlin or Arthur himself– too surprised to form any words; others, like Gwaine or Percival, clearly amused at the situation.

“You’re all ganging up against me” Arthur protested insolently as he gave up and straightened his position against the log so Merlin could help him out of his chain mail and take a look at his wound.

“Don’t be so childish” Merlin scolded him in a whisper, so only he would listen, but he couldn’t help a little smile at the offended pout in Arthur’s lips. “They only worry about you, as I do”

“You all should stop treating me like a little kid” Arthur mumbled, still embarrassed at having been scolded like that.

“Then stop acting like one” Merlin answered with a fond laugh. “They want to help you. Is that so terribly wrong?”

“No, damn it” Arthur groaned, and immediately sighed in rendition. “I know it’s not. It just...”

“It frustrates you, I know” Merlin finished the sentence for him, making Arthur smile.

“As always, you know me too well”

“And as always, that’s just because I love you” Merlin answered, pretending to watch the wound from really close so he could place a tender kiss on Arthur’s shoulder. “It doesn’t show any signs of infection, fortunately, but the armour surely is not helping to the closing of the wound. How does it feel?”

“Tender, to be honest, but it’s nothing I can’t take”

“I wish I could do something to take the pain away” Merlin lamented, as he rebandaged the wound and helped Arthur put the chainmail again.

“I know if there was something you could do, you’d do it” Arthur answered with a smile, grabbing Merlin’s hand to squeeze it in adoration for the boy, not noticing how guilty his words made Merlin feel.

“Can I spread your bedroll without you being offended by it?” Merlin only half-joked, and Arthur chuckled at him.

“Yes, please. But only if you spread yours really close to mine”

“Arthur...” Merlin was about to protest, but Arthur wouldn’t even let him.

“Just... close, Merlin. No one will notice. Please, if I can’t hold you at least... I need you close tonight” Arthur almost pleaded, and Merlin knew well enough he couldn’t deny him anything.

“Of course, love” he answered with a comforting smile, and he quickly complied.

**********

Later that night, as the only people awake where the knights keeping watch and the silence reigned in the camp, Merlin silently sat up and made sure Arthur was asleep. He couldn’t stop thinking about Arthur’s words: _if there was something you could do, you’d do it_ , and he felt terribly guilty. Of course it was not his fault he couldn’t use magic in front of Arthur. But neither was Arthur’s fault, and he was not going to let him suffer if he could do something to prevent it. So without hesitation he put his hand on Arthur’s shoulder and threw a little spell that would send some of the pain away.

The touch of his hand, though, immediately awoke Arthur, who usually was a light sleeper, especially when camping.

“What’s wrong?” he drowsily whispered when he noticed Merlin hovering over him. Fortunately for the young warlock, he was too sleepy to notice the panic in his eyes at almost having been caught.

“Nothing, I was just... checking you didn’t have a fever” Merlin explained, moving his hand to Arthur’s forehead to feign he was checking his temperature.

“I love you so much” Arthur confessed in a rush of love at feeling so cherished and cared for.

“I love you too” Merlin answered, and the guilt in his heart was so big that he didn’t even protest when Arthur curled towards his side and picked the brunet’s hand to hold it against his chest, immediately falling asleep again with the peace of being loved.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really happy with this one either... But don't worry, we are getting very close to my destination! ;)

“They’re coming!” one of the knights keeping watch shouted for everyone to hear as he ran into the camp to warn them.

It was only dawning and most of the men were still deeply asleep. Arthur immediately awoke at the shouting, always alert even when sleeping, and the first thing he noticed was how he had Merlin’s hand in his and resting on his chest, so he swiftly let go of it before anyone could see and stood up, focusing in much more important matters.

“How far are they?” he asked the knight as Merlin started putting their bedrolls away and everyone in the camp moved swiftly to get ready.

“They still are a few miles away, it’s lucky we are on this elevated area so we could see them from a distance. I’d say we still have half an hour, more or less” the knight explained, panting from the running.

“How many of them do you think there are?”

“I can’t tell, but I’d say we may outnumber them” the knight answered, hopefully.

“And if they are not expecting us here, the element of surprise is in our favour. We are at good odds to be victorious” Arthur mumbled, more to himself than to the men in front of him. “Everybody ready!” he announced in a much loud voice. “We’ll wait for them here, where we are hidden to their eyes, and surprise them. Get the horses ready and let’s hope luck is on our side today!”

Arthur felt every beat of his heart, so hard it was pounding, and he searched for Melin with his eyes, asking for his approval. When he found him, Merlin immediately guessed Arthur’s apprehension and nodded at him in absolute trust. Arthur didn’t need to see how afraid Merlin was really feeling.

 

It didn’t take them too long to get ready, so the knights started mounting their horses and getting in combat formation, waiting for the moment when they would gallop downhill and surprise the ignorant army coming towards them.

Just as Merlin was about to mount his own horse, he felt a hand gently grabbing his arm to stop him. When he turned around, he met a pair of eyes full of worry and love, and he knew Arthur was going to tell him something he was not going to like.

“Merlin, when we ride to meet them...” Arthur mumbled, knowing how his words were not going to be well received. “I want you to stay here”

“No, Arthur, that’s not...” Merlin started to protest, but he lost the ability to talk when Arthur’s index finger found its way to Merlin’s lips to shush him in an impossibly loving gesture.

“Merlin, please. I can’t be worrying about you, you have to understand” Arthur looked so distressed, so desperate, that Merlin almost didn’t have the heart to contradict him.

“But I want to help you” Merlin whispered, imploring.

“Please, Merlin, I’m begging you. Stay here, where I know you’re safe” Arthur begged, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

Merlin was about to protest again but then he looked straight at Arthur’s eyes and saw a fear and a desperation in them he didn’t know how to respond to. He knew those feelings were directed at him, not at Arthur’s own well-being, and he knew he couldn’t be an extra burden in Arthur’s heart while he had to concentrate on leading his army towards victory and staying alive in the process.

But Merlin also knew he couldn’t stay and watch everything from a distance. If he stayed behind and something happened to Arthur, he would never forgive himself knowing he could have saved him with his magic. Maybe... maybe it was time to tell Arthur about his real self.

He had never pictured the moment of his revelation like this. He had always thought he would pick better times, when Arthur was content and calm because Camelot would be a prosperous and peaceful kingdom and they would be happy together, even ready to let the world know about them. Then Merlin would tell him about his big secret and hope Arthur would accept it in time.

But not like this. Not in a rush, just before the greatest battle Camelot had had to fight in decades. Not before Arthur’s moment of truth as a King. Not before Merlin could be sure he wouldn’t lose him because of his secret. It was clearly not how he had pictured it, but if it was what it took to keep Arthur alive, then so be it. Nothing else would matter if Arthur perished in combat.

“Arthur, I have to tell you something” Merlin said after a long sigh, preparing himself for the most difficult moment of his life.

“Sire, they’re almost here, we have to be ready” Leon advised from his position, right next to Arthur’s horse.

“Will you wait here, please? For me?” Arthur insisted, one tear making a straight path on his slightly dirty face.

“But Arthur, this is very important” Merlin insisted, reaching with his thumb to collect the offensive teardrop and then he cupped his cheek with his entire hand to get his attention.

“Arthur!” Leon insisted.

“We don’t have the time” Arthur lamented, taking Merlin’s hand, still on his own face, to kiss its palm before dropping it and turning away from him.

“But...” Merlin persevered once more, even if he could see it was too late.

“I love you, Merlin” Arthur told him in a whisper just before finally mounting his horse and gesturing with his hand for his man to start moving their horses to the strategic point they would be off like a shot from.

“I love you too, my King” Merlin whispered to himself, sadly sighing as he moved to his horse and mounted. It felt horribly wrong to disobey Arthur and break his promise to him, but there was no way he was going to stay behind and let the men fight on their own when he knew he could help them. Only he would have to be discreet. But hadn’t he always been?

**********

“Alright, listen!” Arthur announced in a loud voice, hoping to get everyone’s attention when they were just about to attack. “The moment we were waiting for has finally arrived. We are ready for this: we are bigger in number and better prepared. And our cause is much nobler, because we are fighting for land or power: we are fighting for the life of our people. For the love of Camelot!” he yelled at the top of his voice, just as his stirrup touched his horse to make it move.

“For the love of Camelot!” the other knights yelled in response as they started galloping next to his King.

The Essetir Army immediately panicked when they realised they had been the ones to be ambushed this time, and they knew they were not as big or good an army as Camelot’s was. Some of the soldiers even fled, Arthur noticed, and he smiled when he noticed how, for once, he had made the right decision. He raised his sword in preparation and it was mere seconds later that he reached the first enemy. The battle had begun.

**********

Merlin took advantage of the confusion of the battle to creep behind the trees as close to Arthur as he would dare without being seen. His heart in his throat, he watched as his lover and his friends bravely fought for their own lives and the lives of everyone in Camelot. He knew Camelot had more chances of winning this battle, but he also knew some of the men would inevitably fall. Merlin could only selfishly hope neither Arthur nor any of their best friends would be amongst them.

Arthur was a great fighter, Merlin knew that much. He could see him right then, as he fought one warrior after another, none of them really a match for the experienced knight. He was equally elegant and mortal in every one of his attacks, and Merlin almost pitied those soldiers who foolishly tried to attack him.

But even the best of warriors can’t be infallible: as Arthur fought with one man, another one approached him from behind without being noticed, his sword raised and pointing at Arthur’s neck, obviously wanting to kill him instantly taking advantage of his distraction.

Merlin’s heart started racing in terror, but he tried to keep a cool head. That’s why he had disobeyed Arthur and come after him, to take care of a situation like that if it was necessary. So as quickly as he could Merlin left his hiding place, lifted his hand and threw a powerful curse that immediately lifted the man from the floor and threw him a good few feet away, killing him instantly.

Arthur seemed to notice the scene, so he just gave the final blow to his opponent and looked around. From the corner of his eye he seemed to perceive the familiar brown of Merlin’s jacket a good few feet apart from him. He turned around completely in panic and he saw him, just standing there, and silently cursed his lover for disobeying him.

He quickly forgot about that, though, when he noticed how Merlin, being concentrated on him as he was, had failed to notice one of Cenred’s men creeping behind him, and it was obvious his intentions were not friendly when he raised his sword to struck him.

“Merlin!” Arthur shouted when he noticed the threat that man was for the wellbeing of the person he loved the most in the world.

Merlin hadn’t noticed he was in danger until Arthur warned him, so he turned around and saw a warrior coming towards him. He had no sword nor any other weapon, so there was no way he could stop him without his magic. But Arthur was looking; in fact, he was running towards him like a possessed man, obviously with the intention of putting himself between Merlin and the man. There was no way he would reach him in time though, Merlin thought, and he knew there was no option if he wanted to remain alive: he was just already lifting his hand again to throw a curse to his aggressor when the man suddenly groaned and fell dead right in front of his eyes.

Merlin turned around and noticed Arthur, still standing a few feet away from him, his face still filled with the panic of nearly losing him. Then Merlin looked at the offending dead body next to his and noticed Arthur’s knife well stuck on his chest, obviously thrown by the King in desperation. He breathed deeply a couple of times, trying to calm down, and he had to smile a little in pride for his lover: it didn’t matter if Arthur couldn’t reach him in time, he would find another way to defend him. Just as the other way around, even if it always had been kept secret.

He risked a glance at Arthur and saw the King smiling at him in relief, nodding at him. Merlin returned the smile, knowing he was about to be scolded, but it quickly was erased from his face as a soldier suddenly appeared behind Arthur and swiftly imbedded his sword in the King’s side.


	9. Chapter 9

Arthur only took a second to grunt in pain at the unexpected intrusion on his side, but he decidedly ignored it and turned around to defend himself. His attacker was so surprised he couldn’t even react, and Arthur took advantage of his slowness to give a mortal blow to the man’s neck.

“Arthur!” he heard his lover shouting, running towards him, and he wanted to respond to him, but he couldn’t find the strength to do it. He clutched his side and tried to take a step, but his knees buckled and before he knew it he was kneeling on the floor. He could feel the blood flowing between his fingers and he had seen enough battle wounds to know it was serious.

Merlin was almost reaching him when they were found by a couple of Essetir’s knights, as they were not so hidden anymore and they had heard Merlin’s shout.

“There’s two of them here!” one of the men shouted, as he reached Arthur before Merlin did and put his sword to his neck.

“Don’t!” the other man warned him, as he moved to grab Merlin and hold his arms against his back. “This one called him ‘Arthur’. What if he is King Arthur?”

“Oh, Cenred would be very very happy with us if we’d bring him the King of Camelot in person” the first knight answered with a wicked smile that made Merlin’s blood run cold. “So are you the King? Speak!”

Arthur remained silent, and with just a quick glance at Merlin he ordered him to do the same. If they were to die so be it, but they were not going to be those men toys. And maybe they could make time so their knights would find them before it was too late.

“I asked you a question, you arrogant bastard!” the man grabbed Arthur’s hair and pulled, making him straighten while on his knees and yelled at Arthur’s ear. “Oh, so you’re not going to say anything, are you?”

Arthur didn’t utter a word but he unconsciously gasped at the pain both on his scalp and on his side, that kept bleeding, and Merlin couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Stop! You’re hurting him!” he ordered with a confidence that didn’t match with his servant position to the eyes of the two warriors.

“Shut up, Merlin” Arthur warned him.

“Yes, _Merlin_ , you better do what you’re told” the man holding him threatened with an irony in his voice that showed Merlin how much fun they were having with this. They were not like Camelot’s men at all: they didn’t fight for the honour or for the safety of their people. They took pleasure in all the violence that surrounded their lives. And just that thought made Merlin sick with repulse.

“We don’t need that one, he’s not even a knight, take care of him” the knight holding Arthur said, and Arthur felt like a giant fist had closed around his heart.

“Alright” Arthur spoke for the first time, with a little difficulty because of the pain. “Yes, I’m King Arthur. Now you’ve got what you came for, please let my servant go”

“No, Arthur” Merlin, not to Arthur’s surprise, immediately protested.

“Have you still not understood nobody has asked for your opinion?” the man holding Merlin asked, squeezing his arms more strongly, intending to hurt.

“It’s me you want, alright?” Arthur insisted, making a big effort to sound strong and authoritarian. “You want to take me to Cenred? I’m not going unless you let him go”

“Arthur, stop it” Merlin pleaded, not having any intention of letting his lover sacrifice himself for him.

“Don’t listen to him, just let him go” Arthur pleaded, trying to ignore the pain he could see in Merlin’s eyes.

“Arthur, I’m not letting you do this for me!” Merlin shouted.

“Please... you don’t need him” Arthur insisted, paying no heed to Merlin’s words.

“Arthur, no!”

“Alright, that’s enough” the man holding Merlin pushed him until he was on his knees and brought a knife to his neck. “Your king is right, we don’t need you”

“Don’t touch him!” Arthur shouted at the top of his lungs, panic for his lover not giving room to be level headed, and tried to stand up, ignoring his wound and the strong grasp the knight had of his hair, though he couldn’t.

“Well, well, look at that” the knight holding Arthur laughed. “Could we have found the King’s weak spot in this poor little servant?”

“Don’t hurt him, please” Arthur begged, his voice no more than a desperate whisper now. “I’ll do whatever you want, just... let him go”

“You will come with us willingly if we let the boy go?”

“Yes! Yes, I’ll go with you. Just... let him go. Please” Merlin’s heart ached at his lover’s pleading, because he knew he was only doing it for him.

The two men looked at each other and finally one of them nodded. The knight grabbed Merlin’s arms again, this time to make him stand, and pushed him away from the scene.

“No, Arthur!” Merlin yelled, unable to stay quiet at his lover’s sacrifice.

“Merlin, for heaven’s sake, get the hell out of here. That’s an order!” Arthur yelled back, as angry as Merlin had ever seen him before, and trying to use his power as his master over him, something he had never done since the moment they became partners.

Arthur should have known Merlin was not going to start obeying him just when his life what at stake, he thought as he saw the brunet turn around abruptly and disentangle himself from the grip that kept pushing him away. Taking advantage of the distraction, he knocked the sword out of the knight’s hand and grabbed it to point it at the man’s chest.

“You let go of the King or I swear I will kill your friend” he threatened the man still holding Arthur who, to his surprise, just started laughing.

“Be my guest, I couldn’t care less. Taking your king to Cenred is much more important for me, I can guarantee you that”

Merlin stood still for a second, looking at the man in surprise, as he had surely not expected this. The man he was threatening with the sword, though, was quicker to react and threw a punch to Merlin’s face that knocked him out of his feet, and it was easy for him to snatch the sword back from Merlin and point it at him in return.

“Alright, you pathetic boy, I’m tired of this game” he threatened, and raised the sword with the intention of embedding it in Merlin’s chest and ending his life.

“No!” Arthur shouted, and this time, when his lover was about to be slaughtered right in front of his eyes, no force of nature could have stopped him: he escaped the man’s grip and ran without a second thought.

Before the knight threatening Merlin could know what was happening, Arthur jumped on him and knocked him off, sending both of them to the floor at Merlin’s feet. But the man was in perfect health while Arthur was badly wounded, so he reacted more quickly than him and pushed his fist on Arthur’s wound, intending to hurt him as much as possible.

The yell Arthur let go at the pressure of the man’s fist was something Merlin would never forget, so full of pain and desperation it was. The wicked knight would not let go, and a rage like Merlin had never felt before took possession of his heart, clouding his mind and making him act on pure instinct.

“Stop!” Merlin yelled at the top of his lungs, unable to resist it any longer, and before he knew it, his arm was stretched in front of him and, without even the need to throw a spell, from his hand came out a force that felt like an explosion that killed the two knights immediately, but spared Arthur from any more harm than what already had been inflicted on him.

As Merlin panted with the effort and the adrenaline cursing along his veins for what had just taken place, he looked at Arthur. The bleeding on his side had intensified and the pain was evident by the way Arthur had unconsciously curled into a ball before losing consciousness. Merlin wondered for a second when exactly had Arthur become oblivious of what was happening around him, and he allowed himself to hope maybe Arthur hadn’t discovered his big secret. But he would have time to think about that later, Merlin thought, as he swiftly kneeled at his side to take care of him.

What he didn’t know, though, was that the last thing Arthur had seen before losing consciousness was a strange brightness in his lover’s eyes that made them look as if they were made of gold. After that, all was darkness.


	10. Chapter 10

Merlin, his heart in his throat, brought his fingers to Arthur’s neck immediately, checking for a pulse that would indicate his lover was still alive. The young warlock was grateful he was already kneeling, because he felt his whole body shaking in relief when he found it and he was sure he would have fallen otherwise. Arthur’s pulse was slow, erratic. But it was there.

“Arthur?” Merlin called, cupping the King’s face with both his hands, half caressing, half slapping him in an attempt of bringing him back to consciousness. “Arthur, come on, open your eyes. For me, please”

Of course Arthur was beyond reach at the moment and could not hear the desperation in his lover’s voice, nor see the fear in his eyes. Merlin hurriedly rolled Arthur’s chainmail and tunic up and gasped at the wound he found on his side: it was very deep and rough, and it kept bleeding without showing any signs of stopping soon.

Merlin was no fool and knew such an injury was well beyond his powers of healing. He had never been that good at using his magic to cure, and never before he had regretted it that much.

“Damn it!” Merlin shouted, hitting his own thigh in frustration. How many times had Gaius told him he should learn and practise this kind of spells more? Hadn’t he given him the book for that purpose? What good his magic was if he couldn’t save the person he loved the most in the world?

He was taken out of his reverie by a change in Arthur’s breathing. It suddenly became shallower and quicker, as if he was having trouble just getting enough air. When Merlin touched his face again to try and rouse him again, he discovered a raging fever was already setting in Arthur’s skin.

“Arthur, please” Merlin pleaded, his eyes flooding with tears, while moving Arthur’s fringe out of his forehead, even when he knew the King couldn’t hear him. “Don’t do this to me”

“Arthur?” Merlin heard Leon calling the King from a distance, and he hurried to dry the few tears that had escaped his eyes and make their presence known to the knights.

“Here!” he shouted, trying to hide the shaking of his voice. “He’s badly wounded!”

“What happened, Merlin?” Leon asked him as soon as he reached the pair and he crouched next to his fallen friend.

“That man attacked him from behind and embedded his sword on Arthur’s side. And then this other one just made his wound worse with his fist. He’s bleeding a lot and he can barely breathe”

“And he did defeat the three of them on his own, even being that severely wounded?” Leon asked, astonished.

“Mmm... yes, he did” Merlin lied.

“How could he possibly...?”

“That’s not important now, he’s really bad off” Merlin pleaded for Leon to let it go and help him with his lover.

“You’re right. You’re right, I’m sorry. We’ll bring him to the camp. He needs to be kept warm next to the fire” Leon suggested, resting his hand on Merlin’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. ”Percival! I need your help!” he shouted in the direction where the battle had taken place.

“What happened with the battle?” Merlin asked while they waited, suddenly remembering the reason they were there in the first place.

“We won” Leon explained with a small smile. “And there were fewer casualties on our side than we expected. Arthur was right all along”

“He’d be glad to know that” Merlin answered with a sad smile, quickly stopping a tear about to fall with his thumb.

“He will know” Leon promised, just as the Camelot survivors of the battle started appearing between the trees.

Merlin looked at the knights and his heart felt a bit lighter at noticing how Gwaine, Percival and Elyan were amongst the lucky to survive.

“Arthur!” Elyan exclaimed as he saw the King, and he ran to his side, Gwaine and Percival close at his heels.

“Percival, please, help me with him” Leon ordered, using his high rank amongst the men to put them into action.

“We all will” Gwaine announced as the four knights Arthur could consider his friends coordinated themselves to lift the wounded King, as carefully as they were able, to get him back to the camp.

Merlin was having a hard time trying not to burst out sobbing because of the mix of emotions dancing in his heart: worry about Arthur’s state; anxiousness about how much Arthur had seen; and then the tenderness in the way the four knight took care of him was just the last straw. Merlin felt very grateful for their friends, and he felt a little less lonely in his pain when he saw the worry in their eyes too.

They mounted Arthur on a horse and then mounted themselves, and they were back in their camp uphill in no time. The four of them immediately took care of him and carefully deposited him on his bedroll next to the fire Merlin was already making.

Merlin immediately turned to him and covered with his own blanket, not wanting Arthur to go cold, and he pressed his hands to Arthur’s wound underneath the blanket trying to stop the bleeding before it was too late. Arthur had already lost a lot of blood and it wouldn’t be too long before it was irreversible, Merlin thought, getting desperate. Maybe... he didn’t know how to heal him, but maybe he could at least stop the bleeding.

“Mmm... shouldn’t someone be keeping guard? I know we’ve won the battle, but we don’t want any stray knight surprising us, right?” Merlin suggested, trying to find a way to get rid of so many spectators to his actions.

“You’re right” Leon agreed. “And we need someone to prepare some food for everyone, as Merlin is clearly busy with more important matters”

Merlin sighed gratefully at Leon’s intervention, as he saw the knights start moving around the camp to do different tasks, like preparing dinner, watering the horses or keeping guard. The young warlock furtively looked around, wanting to make sure nobody was directly looking at him, and threw a whispering spell on his lover, his hands never losing the contact with the king’s wound. Merlin felt a tear of relief leaving the corner of his eye when the flow of blood running between his fingers suddenly slowed to only a trickle and then stopped completely.

Merlin left Arthur only for a moment, to clean the offending blood of his hands that was making him nauseous, and came back immediately to him, covering him with yet another blanket offered by Percival and sitting next to him, ready to remain there until there was some change in Arthur’s condition, for good or bad.

**********

Merlin didn’t know how much time had passed since he had sat down next to Arthur. He knew Gwaine had come to him with a plate, which he had immediately rejected –eating was the last thing on his mind, anxious and nauseous as he still was. Gwaine had even tried some small talk with him, but he was not in the mood for that, and the knight’s constant chatter was starting to irritate him for the first time since he knew him, so he politely asked him to bring some more water to cool Arthur’s forehead, to which Gwaine had immediately complied. He had seemed to understand Merlin’s mood, though, because he hadn’t approached him again once the fresh water had been delivered.

Most of the surviving knights had decided that it was not necessary nor reasonable for all of them to stay there, in case the small forces Essetir may still have decided to attack the castle of Camelot. For the King to travel was out of question: his condition was very serious and the risk they would take if he started bleeding again would be too big. Not all of them agreed with leaving the King behind, but the fierceness which with Merlin had forbidden them to even approach the king to move him had convinced them to let it go. So they decided that only a few knights would stay with the King (to which Percival, Gwaine, Elyan and Leon immediately offered), along with his servant, and the rest would return to Camelot to protect it. And they would also send Gaius to them, so he could take care of Arthur as best as he could. Few of them believed he would make it in time, though.

**********

When the night fell, Merlin had still not left Arthur’s side for a second, keeping himself busy with putting fresh compresses to his forehead to try and reduce his fever, careful to lovingly brush his fringe every now and then, more to his own reassurance than Arthur’s, who still had to show any signs of waking up.

Percival offered a plate to Merlin again when dinner time came, but he refused it again. There was no way he could keep anything down, and he didn’t want to stop his loving ministrations to Arthur for a second, even if he doubted they were doing much good.

The knights started spreading their bedrolls around the fire, though trying not to do it too near the young servant. They could sense he needed the space right now and they wanted to help him in any way they can, even if it was by staying away. They were dead worried about Arthur, so they couldn’t imagine how Merlin would be feeling right then, knowing how close he was to the young king.

After a while only Leon remained awake –Merlin suspected it wasn’t by chance– and he finally moved to sit at Arthur’s other side. He checked the King’s forehead for a second and shook his head when he found the high temperature there. He didn’t say a word, though, and Merlin felt a rush of fondness towards the older knight, knowing he was only trying to show his support without imposing himself.

“Leon?” Merlin finally acknowledged his presence, and the knight just responded with a little smile.

“I thought you could do with some company” he explained, only whispering so as not to break the peacefulness of the night.  “I mean, this lazy sleeping beauty here doesn’t seem to have that good a conversation, so...” he carefully joked, and he was glad to get the smallest smile out of the manservant. “You alright, Merlin?”

“It’s not me the one struggling to survive” Merlin answered with so much sadness that Leon could feel it in his own heart.

“No, but you’re struggling too, in a way” Leon answered, surprising Merlin with the honesty of his words.

“Can I ask you something?” Merlin asked, once again fumbling with the cloth on Arthur’s forehead so as not to look at Leon’s eyes.

“Of course”

“You know... about us, right?” Merlin, suddenly feeling very shy, asked.

“Us?” Leon asked back in confusion.

“I mean... Arthur and I”

“What? Do you mean you and Arthur...?”

“Mmm... no” Merlin lied, panic setting in when he discovered he had talked much more than he should. “I meant...”

“I’m kidding, Merlin” Leon laughed kindly. “Yes, I know about the two of you”

“Did Arthur tell you?”

“Not exactly. When we went to the Essetir’s border two days ago without you, he was looking really sullen. I thought he could use a friend and I asked him what was wrong. I didn’t think he was going to say anything, you know how reserved he is about his feelings. But I guess he was really down or in need of some listening because he told me all about you. Well, he didn’t say who it was, but he confessed how he was so in love with someone who was so inappropriate for so many reasons, and how he missed them when they were not there”

“Inappropriate?” Merlin asked, his heart hurting at Arthur’s feelings towards their relationship.

“That’s what I asked, but he was so quick to assure he didn’t care at all, Merlin, that he would rather renounce to the crown than to live without this person”

“Did he really say that?” Merlin asked, amazed. It was no surprise to him the love Arthur felt for him, of course, but to put it over the kingdom...

“Merlin, he swore no matter how difficult it all got, that he was not going to let anyone pull you apart, that no outside forces would ever come between you. And when I asked him why he was so sad then he told me it was because he needed that person at his side, as always, and they weren’t there that time”

“I wish I had been... But how did you know he was talking about me?”

“Well, you are the only one who is always at his side but wasn’t that time. And of course I get what he meant about it being inappropriate for the kingdom. Plus it doesn’t take such a wise man to see the devotion you have for each other. I just put two and two together”

“And... is it alright with you?”

“Merlin, of course it is. Arthur is my best friend, whatever makes him happy is fine to me. And I know you make him happy, incredibly so, so I’m very glad you have found each other”

“Thanks, Leon. It means a lot to me. To us. Not everybody would be so understanding and supportive”

“I know they won’t be when the time comes. But as long as you have each other, nothing else is important. Arthur is going to fight for you, I know that much. It’s up to you if you’re willing to fight for him the same way”

“You bet I am” Merlin promised without any hesitation. “He makes me incredibly happy too, you know”

“I had figured that” Leon laughed.

Merlin smiled widely for the first time since Arthur had been hurt. Having Leon’s friendship and support meant a lot to him, and it was also good to know there would be people who would accept them if they knew, even if most of them wouldn’t.

Their conversation was interrupted by a little grunt coming from the wounded king and when both Merlin and Leon looked at him, they could see his eyes finally fluttering.

“Merlin, I think he’s trying to wake up” Leon said, and Merlin nodded before addressing his partner.

“Arthur? Can you hear me, Arthur?”

“Merlin” Arthur whispered, struggling to open his eyes to look at his lover.

“I’m here, Arthur. I’ve got you” Merlin lovingly whispered back, grabbing Arthur’s hand to bring it to his lips and kiss it. He knew Leon was there, watching them, but he couldn’t care less at the moment, for he needed to show Arthur how much he loved him.

“Merlin” Arthur insisted, lifting his other, trembling hand towards Merlin’s face, his eyes unfocused because of the fever. “Your eyes...”

Merlin felt as if a fist had punched him right in the heart, as the little hope he had Arthur hadn’t seen him performing magic shattered. Arthur may be too sick and feverish at the moment to understand, but he had clearly seen his eyes turn gold. And everybody knew what that meant.

“What does he mean?” Leon asked, worried about his friend’s state. “What is it with your eyes?”

“I don’t know” Merlin lied, as he covered Arthur’s hand with both his own in resignation. “He is delirious with fever, I doubt he even knows what he is saying”

“Merlin” Arthur called for him one more time before losing consciousness again, his hand falling dead between Merlin’s.

“I’m here, love” Merlin whispered, bringing Arthur’s hand to his lips to kiss it again before letting it rest on the King’s chest. “I’ll be here for as long as you want me to”

Maybe outside forces wouldn’t be able to separate them, as Arthur had confessed to Leon. But what about something that was already there, between them? Something in the very heart of their relationship?


	11. Chapter 11

Leon finally succumbed to sleep, so only Merlin stayed up. He had to stay alert: Arthur’s condition was rapidly deteriorating, and the young warlock had the stupid feeling the king would die if he so much as stopped looking at him for a second.

Merlin silently prayed Gaius would be there in the morning and was able to offer a remedy for Arthur. He didn’t want to think of the alternative.

As the hours passed, though, Arthur’s breathing started becoming more and more difficult, and the fact he had stopped shivering even when his fever was even higher than before was not a good sign. Feeling helpless, Merlin lifted Arthur’s upper body to ease his breathing and he sat behind him, one leg at each side of the blond, so he could let him rest on his chest. Merlin could feel how high Arthur’s temperature was, could feel the heat even through their clothes. Merlin brought his hand to Arthur’s forehead and stroke the soaked hair, trying to relieve some of the pain in his heart with familiar gestures.

When the morning came, the knights found Merlin still awake, silently supporting Arthur against his chest. They were so still that for a moment they feared Arthur had passed away during the night, but they were relieved to see he was still breathing when they got closer to them.

“Merlin” Gwaine said, crutching at his side, “you’ve been here all night, like this?”

Merlin’s only answer was to nod. He was tired, frustrated, devastated. The last thing he felt was like talking, even if he knew Gwaine was only being his friend and trying to help.

“You should take a break” Gwaine insisted.

“I can’t. Arthur needs me” Merlin answered, not having any intention of letting Arthur out of his sight.

“We’ll take care of him while you rest” Percival suggested, also worried about his friend.

“His breathing has gone more laboured in the past hour. He needs to be kept sitting so he can breathe easier”

“Merlin, I can hold him for a while” Gwaine offered.

“Yeah, I don’t think even he can do it wrong” Percival lightly joked.

“No, I’ll hold him” Merlin declined the offer.

“Merlin, you need to rest” Gwaine insisted, more serious. “Otherwise, you’ll end up sick too”

“I’ll rest when I know he is going to be alright. Until then, I will take care of him”

“Alright, as you wish. Just... let us know if you change your opinion”

“I won’t” he answered firmly, but he immediately regretted and tried to soften the tone; after all, they were only trying to help. “But thank you”

**********

Arthur showed no sign of waking up in the next hours, nor much changed in his condition. Merlin thought that was a good sign, though, for at least he was not getting worse. Not that he could get much worse before he... He didn’t let himself finish that thought, as he had to believe Gaius would be able to make everything alright, as he usually did.

Nobody tried to relieve Merlin again in the task of taking care of Arthur, or even holding him upright, because they knew it would be futile and their tries just seemed to annoy Merlin more than they helped. So they just contented themselves with staying close to the couple, in case they were needed.

Finally, around midday, Gaius and the two knights that were escorting him arrived to their camp. Merlin’s shoulders sagged with relief and hope now the old man was there; he would know what to do. He just had to.

“Gaius, quick” Merlin rushed him as soon as he caught a glimpse of the old man. “We don’t have much time”

“I’m coming” was Gaius’ only answer as he obeyed and moved as far as he could towards the couple. “How is he? The knights told me it was serious”

“It is, he’s very bad off” Merlin explained, as he finally slipped from under Arthur’s unmoving form and gently laid him completely on the floor so Gaius could examine him. His legs had gone dead from the lack of movement and Arthur’s weight, but he ignored the tinkling feeling and kneeled again at his lover’s side, ready to assist Gaius in whatever was necessary.

Gaius lifted Arthur’s shirt to look at the wound and it was all he could do not to cry in anguish at the horrendous wound in the King’s side. He knew immediately he was not going to be able to do anything for the young man –his high fever and struggling breathing were also clear signs of it.

Looking at Arthur, he knew something had to be done soon, and they were not his hands the ones supposed to perform the miracle. He knew what needed to be done. But all the knights were surrounding him, and they needed a little privacy for what he had in mind.

“Please, boys, I need some space. I’ll call you as soon as there’s any change” Gaius announced, hoping the knights would move away so he could work without prying eyes watching every move he –or Merlin– would make.

“But Gaius...” Leon protested, worried as he was about his friend.

“Please, boys, I don’t have time to argue with you. I need to concentrate if you want me to save your king, and Arthur needs a little intimacy. Can you please give us that? Merlin here will help me if I need anything”

“Of course, Gaius” Leon conceded, in everybody’s name, not wanting to make them lose any precious time. “Whatever you need. Just... save him”

“That’s what I intend” Gaius answered, his back now to them so as to make clear he didn’t want them there.

“Merlin, I brought all the potions I could think of that may help, but there’s nothing I have that can heal a wound like that, especially so many hours after it was inflicted” Gaius explained as soon as the knights had disappeared.

“But Gaius” Merlin looked intently at him, all the hope he had been keeping shattering in a million pieces. “You have to do something. Please. I can’t lose him”

“Merlin, I brought something else” Gaius whispered, as he took a book from inside his long tunic and handed it to Merlin.

“My spells book?”

“Merlin, this is beyond my skills. Only you can save him now”

“Do you mean... I should try and heal him with magic? I don’t know how to do it”

“That’s why I brought the book. The knights warned me Arthur was very bad off, so I thought my medicines wouldn’t be enough. And now I’ve had the chance to see Arthur for myself, I’m glad I brought it”

“I don’t know, Gaius, I don’t think I’m able to...” Merlin started to shook his head at the responsibility being placed once again on his shoulders. He didn’t know how much more he could take.

“Merlin” Gaius said in a calming voice, placing his hand on Merlin’s arm to get his attention. “I know you can do it. You’re the greatest sorcerer I have ever seen. And if something can give you the strength to do it... that’s your love for Arthur”

Merlin gulped, unable to talk, and nodded, just before picking up the book from Gaius hands and starting frantically looking for something that could help.

“Gaius, none of this will cure such a serious wound with only my magic, I’m not so powerful” Merlin lamented, tears forming in his eyes at the prospect of not being able to help his lover.

“Maybe not, but you can heal him to some extent” Gaius wisely suggested. “Just so his condition is not that precarious. Once he is out of danger, he can begin healing on his own accord”

“I guess I can do that” Merlin nodded, removing the tears on his cheeks with an angry gesture of his hand as he continued turning pages looking for just the right spell to put Arthur on the mend.

“It’s better this way, anyway. I guess the knights have seen the wound, if Arthur was miraculously cured all of a sudden they would suspect. Arthur himself would suspect”

“Arthur knows” Merlin confessed with a sigh.

“What?” Gaius asked, sure he had heard wrong.

“Arthur knows I have magic. He saw me using it”

“And... how did he react?”

“I haven’t had the chance to talk to him yet. He fell unconscious right after he saw me and hasn’t been awake since”

“Are you afraid?” Gaius asked, already knowing the answer.

“I’m terrified” Merlin confessed.

“You don’t know how he is going to react. Give him some credit, Merlin”

“And how do you think he’s going to react?” Merlin asked with a humourless laugh. “You know how he feels about magic. He’s been raised to hate it. And to know he has had it right under his nose all this time...”

“You’d be surprised how opinions change when you’re in love” Gaius warned him, but didn’t insist anymore. He knew now it was not the time to discuss this, while Arthur lay dying in front of them.

“I just want him to survive” Merlin explained in a dejected tone. “We’ll deal with the rest later”

“Then save him”

Merlin finally found what he was looking for in his treasured book: something that would give Arthur the strength and the time to fight the injury for himself. Merlin wished there was something more he could do (especially considering Arthur already knew about his magic and there would be no point in trying to hide it), but it would have to do.

The young warlock sighed deeply, trying to calm down his nerves enough to perform the difficult task of saving the life of the person he loved the most in the world. He placed his hands carefully over Arthur’s wounds, trying not to put any more pressure over it that could hurt him even farther, and closed his eyes. Then he whispered the words that he hoped would mean the difference, his voice powerful and almost scary in spite of the low volume.

When he opened his eyes, he immediately noticed how Arthur’s breathing was easing to more acceptable levels, and he didn’t feel as terribly hot to the touch as he did just one minute ago.

“I think it worked” Gaius announced with a little smile while he was checking Arthur’s pulse on his wrist, and then he moved to look at the wound. “The wound doesn’t look so fierce either, Merlin. You did it”

“You mean... he’s out of the woods now?” Merlin asked, not daring himself to have hope yet, in case it was shattered once again.

“Not completely, but you’ve given him a chance” Gaius answered, putting his hand on Merlin’s shoulder in a comforting gesture. “We still have to take care of him”

“If he’ll let me” Merlin lamented, imagining the worst scenario when Arthur awoke.

“Well, he will have to” Gaius wisely answered, as he started putting his medicines back in his bag. “His wound is far from healed, he’s going to need a lot of treatment still before he is able to travel and I have to go back to Camelot, so it will be up to you”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yes, Merlin, with you and I both gone there’s nobody in Camelot to take care of the injured and the sick. And there is really nothing I can do for him that you can’t. I’m guessing you don’t want me to stay here while you take care of the people of Camelot, do you?” Gaius asked with a knowing smile.

“No” Merlin answered with a little smile, the first since Arthur had been injured. “I want to stay here with him even though I don’t know how he will react. I still love him with all my heart and need to see him alright”

“I was guessing that would be your answer. Be sure to keep the wound clean and the fever down, this potion will help you in that aspect. And try to make him eat something, he needs to keep his strength after so much blood loss” Gaius advised him, already standing up and walking to his horse, where the two knights that had escorted him were waiting.

“I will do that” Merlin answered, walking at his side.

“I’ll send a couple of men with a carriage to take Arthur home. It will be safer for him to travel this way”

“Thank you, Gaius. For everything” Merlin said, hugging the old man close to him in gratitude.

“Don’t even mention it. You know how I feel about both of you. Just... take care of him, alright?”

“You know I will. Whatever happens” Merlin promised, and he immediately made his way back to where the King laid.

**********

It was only a few minutes after Gaius had left when Arthur’s eyes started fluttering again. Merlin looked around them to make sure the knights hadn’t come back yet (they were probably having a quick wash at the river near after the battle and the night out, or they were simply giving them some time, as Gaius had asked) and then fixed his eyes on Arthur’s face, as if willing him to wake up just with his mind.

“Arthur?” Merlin asked in a loving whisper, fondling Arthur’s fringe while measuring the temperature on Arthur’s forehead with his hand, relieved to find it almost normal.

“Merlin” Arthur answered, his voice no more than a weary murmur.

“How are you feeling?” Merlin insisted, now taking Arthur’s hand and squeezing it in a comforting way.

“My side hurts like the devil. What happened?” Arthur asked with a little difficulty, due to his severely weakened state.

“You don’t remember?” Merlin asked, trying to hide his hope as he lovingly stroke Arthur’s hair.

“I was... wounded in battle, wasn’t I?” Arthur asked in confusion.

“Yes, you were. One of them embedded his sword on your side” Merlin answered, omitting everything that had happened later in case Arthur didn’t remember.

“Yes, I remember that. And then there were two other knights from Essetir and... They were threatening you, weren’t they?”

“Yes, but nothing happened to me, as you can see. You saved me” Merlin explained with a grateful smile and a kiss to Arthur’s hand, still in his. After all, Arthur had indeed tried to save him, even being injured like he was.

“Really? I remember I could hardly stand, and then...” Arthur suddenly stopped talking and his eyes widened impossibly as he remembered. “You did something”

Merlin closed his eyes for a second as he felt as an invisible hand had grabbed his heart and squeezed it until it physically hurt on his chest. He couldn’t find the words to answer to his lover, who was looking at him with an indefinable expression on his face, so he remained silent as he waited for the consequences of his actions.

“Merlin, you have magic” Arthur said, his voice full of negation and disappointment, as he extricated his own hand out of Merlin’s hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I know you were expecting the big explosion between them in this chapter, but it didn't happen! I'm not delaying it on purpose, I just keep writing and writing, as if I had a lot of thing to say! But don't worry, as you can see the discussion has began now, so it will probably take place (partly) in the next chapter. Hope you're not getting rid of this!


	12. Chapter 12

“Arthur, let me explain” Merlin started, the emptiness Arthur’s hand had left in his feeling physically painful, but Arthur interrupted him.

“You are a sorcerer” Arthur stated, but Merlin could hear a question in his voice, a plea to deny it and give him some kind of explanation.

“Yes” it was the only thing Merlin could say, and he noticed how Arthur tensed even more at his confirmation.

“Since when?” Arthur asked, immediately hissing at the pain when he tried to sit up with a lot of difficulty.

Merlin saw his lover struggling to move, hurting and panting, and immediately moved to help, putting his hands under Arthur’s back. Arthur, though, was having none of it and tried to escape Merlin’s touch, so quickly that he ended hurting himself even further, causing for him to loudly groan and for Merlin to move his hands away from him immediately, as if the contact burned.

“Just... don’t” Arthur panted, finally being able to sit up and to control the pain.

“I just wanted to help you. I can’t stand seeing you in so much pain”

“I made you a question” Arthur insisted.

“I’ve always had magic, Arthur. I was born with it” Merlin confessed, knowing there was no use in keeping lying about it. Arthur deserved to know the truth, even if it was so painful.

“And you never told me” Arthur reproached him, his voice full of hurt and betrayal.

“I didn’t know how you were going to react” Merlin tried to explain, not noticing how his words and the lack of trust they implied were only making it worse.

“How did you imagine I was going to react?” Arthur asked, deeply offended.

“Well, I know what the penalty for the use of magic is” Merlin answered, still oblivious to what he was causing.

“Did you think I was going...?” Arthur asked, his face the mask of heartbreak at Merlin’s insinuations, but he wasn’t given the chance to finish the sentence as the knights finally appeared and they were quickly all over him when they saw he was awake.

“Arthur, you’re awake!” Elyan announced with a big grin, coming to kneel next to his King and friend. “Boys, Arthur is awake”

“We can see that, Elyan” Gwaine answered, laughing at his friend’s enthusiasm.

“Arthur?” Leon asked, all jokes aside, standing behind Elyan. “You surely are strong, I’ll give you that. Just a while ago I wasn’t sure you would make it”

“Yes, man” Percival added. “How can you possibly be awake with a wound like yours?”

“I don’t know” Arthur answered, his voice no more than a whisper, and he shrugged his shoulders, immediately regretting the movement because of the pain it brought him, which made him groan noticeably.

“You shouldn’t move” Merlin warned him with a shy hand to his shoulder, and he could feel Arthur fighting not to reject his touch in front of the others.

“You really looked like a goner. Gaius surely is a miracle worker” Gwaine joked.

“Gaius was here?” Arthur asked, confused, as Gaius had left way before he regained consciousness.

“Of course he was! Who do you think worked the miracle? Merlin?” Gwaine joked, and fortunately he was oblivious to the flash of pain that crossed Arthur’s face at the realisation of who had really healed him.

“No, of course” he whispered, and Merlin felt like crying at the disappointment he could perceive in his lover’s voice.

“Well, in any case we are glad to see you alive, Sire” Percival spoke on everybody’s behalf.

“What happened with the battle?” Arthur asked all of a sudden, remembering in that moment why they were there.

“We won” Leon explained with a proud smile. “You were right, they weren’t expecting us”

“He is not out of the woods by any means yet, we shouldn’t discuss this right now” Merlin intervened, worried about Arthur’s physical state on top of everything else. “He needs to rest”

“Of course, we’ll discuss it some other time” Leon, always the voice of reason, nodded. “We’ll leave you to your rest now, Sire”

“Thank you, boys” Arthur acknowledged their worry, as the friends moved a bit away to give him some room to rest.

“You didn’t tell them” Merlin commented, surprised. He had been sure he was going to be put under arrest immediately, but Arthur had not said anything, had feigned he didn’t know who had taken care of him, although Merlin very much suspected Arthur was well aware he had treated his wound with magic.

“Have you been using your magic frequently?” Arthur asked, ignoring Merlin’s words. “Do you usually use it on me?”

“No, I swear I don’’t, only when you’ve been hurt, like now. I only use it to help you” Merlin was quick to deny.

“To help me?”

“To protect you. To keep you safe from danger”

“So all those times something funny happened, when a spear, a tree branch or even a strong wind came out of nowhere and helped me defeat my opponents, it was you?” Arthur asked, his voice barely audibly due to pain and sadness, suddenly understanding a lot of situations that had remained a mystery until then.

“Yes. I couldn’t let anything happen to you if I could prevent it, could I?”

“You must have had such a laugh whenever I made a fool of myself bragging about my victories” Arthur said with a humourless laugh.

“No, of course not, Arthur. I’ve always been so proud of you” Merlin tried to explain. Things were not going well. At all. “You have to believe me”

“Why? Why do I have to believe you now?” Arthur asked, and Merlin was appalled to discover some tears at the corners of the King’s eyes, but he was too proud and stubborn to let them fall. “I’ve believed you all this time and look where it got me! My entire life has been a complete lie these last few years! My victories, my achievements... Even our relationship has all been a farce! Was there any truth in it?”

“Yes! My love for you!” Merlin said a little too loud in desperation, and immediately lowered his voice again. The last thing they needed was to be overheard by the knights. “My love for you is real”

“You speak about love? What kind of love is this that drives someone to lie about every aspect of his life to the person he is supposed to love?”

“Arthur, I’m not supposed to love you, I really do. Please, I’m being honest with that. I promise you I’ve only used my magic for you!”

“But that’s not even the point anymore, can’t you see it?” Arthur asked, finally letting the tears fall down his cheeks, before once again trying to change his position to not look so vulnerable, but being unable to do it because of the pain.

It broke Merlin’s heart to hear and see the pain in his lover as he tried to move and he wanted nothing more than to help him and comfort him, but he knew his touch would not be accepted. That didn’t stop him from trying to help him, though; the day had yet to come when Arthur was hurting and Merlin did nothing to make it better.

“No... don’t touch me” Arthur ordered as soon as he felt Merlin’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Arthur” Merlin answered in a calming voice, completely misinterpreting Arthur’s refusal. “Don’t be afraid of me”

“I am not afraid of you, Merlin” Arthur told him, almost defiantly.

“Then why won’t you...”

“You don’t understand, Merlin. You could never understand” Arthur answered with a terrible sadness in his voice, even as his eyelids started getting heavier from the weakness of the massive blood loss.

Merlin remained at his side while the young king fell into an uneasy sleep. Just when he was sure the blond was deeply asleep, he risked a loving caress down Arthur’s cheek, praying it wouldn’t be the last time he got to feel his soft skin.

“Sleep, love” he whispered as he threw a blanket around his shoulders. “I will take care of you, just as I’ve always done. Even if you never forgive me” he said, as a sob escaped his throat.

**********

As Arthur slept, his weak body trying to regain his strength, Merlin and the knights discussed the plan of action for the next hours. They worried about the King travelling, for as much as he seemed to be doing much better than before thanks to whatever Gaius had given him –obviously Merlin didn’t contradict them–, he was still in a pretty serious condition. But as Merlin put it, being out in the open for so much time wasn’t going to do him any good in the long run either, and they could travel slowly in the carriage Gaius was supposed to send.

So at the end it was decided that they would spend the night there again and in the morning, as soon as the carriage arrived, they would slowly make their way back to Camelot.

Elyan took care of dinner that night so Merlin wouldn’t have to do it and could remain by Arthur’s side, and they decided they should wake the King so he could start eating something, as Gaius had recommended. Leon was a bit surprised when Merlin asked him to wake Arthur himself as he went to get some water and the necessary supplies to take care of the wound, but he did as he was asked. Maybe seeing Arthur in such a weakened state was too painful for Merlin, Leon didn’t know, but he was willing to help in any way he could.

As Merlin had imagined, Arthur refused to have a single bite of any food that was offered to him. As much as the young King usually was a hearty eater, he was very prone to lose his appetite whenever he didn’t feel good or was upset. Considering the pain he was in, both physical and emotionally, it was no surprise eating would be the last thing on his mind. Leon insisted for a few minutes, from his position as his best friend and then as the highest rank in his army, but Arthur was much more stubborn than that. After a while, they compromised Arthur would not refuse any breakfast offered to him in the morning, and Leon finally left him on his own, feeling his dark mood and his need to sulk alone.

“Arthur” Merlin called as he shyly approached to him, once the knights were settling for the night. “I... I need to take care of your wound”

“I thought you had already done that” Arthur answered with much irony.

“I didn’t have that much power as to heal you completely, I just got you out of immediate danger. You were very bad off, I had no choice. But you have to heal on your own from now on, and for that to happen the wound has to be kept clean”

Arthur didn’t answer. He was not even trying to hurt Merlin on purpose, he just didn’t know what to say. Everything he had lived for, everything he had believed Merlin to be, was now gone. And he felt too tired and was in too much pain to be able to find the right words, or even finding the strength to care. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to do it, after knowing what Merlin thought him capable of.

“Can I please do it?” Merlin insisted with a trembling voice.

Arthur still didn’t utter a word, but he sat straight, losing the blanket, and lifted his shirt to give Merlin access to his wound. Even after all that had happened, he didn’t have the heart to refuse Merlin’s pleas.

“Arthur, we need to talk” Merlin implored, while he cleaned the wound, trying to ignore the little grunts of pain that escaped Arthur’s throat every now and then at the contact.

“Does anybody else know?” Arthur asked, very direct.

“Just Gaius”

“Don’t say anything to anybody else. I don’t want anybody to know until I’ve had time to assimilate it. I can’t make a decision right now” Arthur asked, his voice not as harsh and accusing as before.

“Whatever you decide, I want you to know I won’t resist”

“Resist?” Arthur repeated, confused.

“If you put me in the dungeons or... at the stake, I won’t resist” Merlin explained, completely honest.

“What?” Arthur asked, not wanting to believe his own ears.

“I’ll respect your decision”

“That’s what you think of me?” There it was again. The pain. That horrible sound of heartbreak in Arthur’s voice to which Merlin was getting so used to.

“Well... magic is forbidden on pain of death, right?” Merlin asked, hesitating. Maybe Arthur hadn’t thought about that yet?

“I can’t believe this...” Arthur answered, shaking his head in negation.

“Arthur...”

“I meant I had to make a decision about keeping it secret or not. I wasn’t planning what to do with you, if that’s what you were thinking”

“Arthur, I...”

“Leave me” Arthur ordered, his voice full of a coldness Merlin thought didn’t suit him at all.

“Please, Arthur, I’m sorry. But I need you to forgive me... I’ll explain everything”

“A little too late for that, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean _too late_?” Merlin asked, this time being his own eyes the ones filling with tears.

“Leave me” Arthur ordered, pushing Merlin’s hands away from him and clumsily turning a bit around so his back was to the warlock.

“Arthur, please”

“Just leave me alone!” Arthur said a little too loud, so Leon and Percival, who were lying the closest to them, heard him too.

Merlin, the picture of desolation, finally obeyed and he spread his bedroll far enough from Arthur so he wouldn’t get any angrier but close enough that he could keep an eye on him if he got any worse through the night. After all, it was still his duty to protect him, and he still loved him with all his heart.

“Don’t mind him” Leon, at his side, whispered to him with a knowing smile. “You know how cranky he gets when he’s not feeling well”

“I know” Merlin lied.

“Don’t take it too personal. I’m sure by morning he will be picking on you non-stop in his own unique way of apologizing”

“Yeah” it was all Merlin could say as he laid down. There was nothing he wouldn’t give right now to have Arthur picking on him and being the arrogant prat he feigned to be when he teased him. But Merlin well knew it was not going to be that easy, and that no sign of that part of him Merlin loved so much would appear in the morning. Not this time.


	13. Chapter 13

Throughout the night, Merlin could tell exactly when Arthur was sleeping and when he was not just by the way he breathed. Nobody knew that, but the young King was not an easy sleeper. Sometimes he would have insomnia, usually caused by some urgent kingdom matter that needed solving and that kept him awake just trying to figure out what to do. Or if he was worried or upset about something, he would just lie awake, unable to close his eyes for a second. Or sometimes, even if he finally fell asleep, he would still keep dreaming about his worries, murmuring unintelligible words in his unease sleep.

Whenever that happened, though, Merlin would be there to make it all better. If Arthur was fretting about finding a solution for a problem, Merlin would sit with him and patiently listen to him, offering his advice and trying to find a solution with him. If sleep avoided him because he was worried or upset, Merlin would make him snuggle against his chest and would envelop him in a bear hug, all the while telling him absurd stories that would make him chuckle and take any worry out of his mind so only the feeling of being protected and secure would stay. And if he had nightmares, Merlin would sooth him with whispered words of comfort while his hand gently caressed the top of Arthur’s head and played with his hair until he could feel him relax in his slumber.

Merlin heard Arthur’s soft voice speaking uncompressible words right then, loud enough for him to hear but not to wake the others, undoubtedly caused by some nightmare he was trapped in. With him being in so much pain and everything that had happened later between the,, it would have been a miracle if he fell into an easy sleep, even with him being so weak.

Merlin immediately got up from his place a few feet away from his lover –though he doubted he could keep thinking about Arthur as that– and shortened the distance between them until he was right next to him. He hesitated about what his next step would be, but then Arthur shuddered and winced in pain when he moved his arms, fighting an invisible demon only he could understand. Merlin instantly decided that no one, not even Arthur himself, was going to keep him away from him when he needed him the most, so he swiftly laid down next to him and moved Arthur’s head until it was lying on Merlin’s shoulder, his body resting against his side.  Then he made sure the blanket was covering every inch of the blond’s body, except for his head, and embraced him as strongly as he dared so as not to wake him, and he started a pace with his hand all through Arthur’s soft hair. No matter how angry, afraid or disappointed Arthur was at him: Merlin’s touch still had a strong effect on him and he immediately relaxed under his loving ministrations.

Merlin knew he was taking a big risk, of been found out and of Arthur waking up to find himself in the sorcerer’s arms. But he couldn’t care less at the moment: Arthur’s wellbeing was much more important than any of that. And Merlin needed the contact with the young King as much as he did, he realised, even if it was for the last time.

“Sleep, love” he whispered, depositing a small kiss on Arthur’s warm forehead. “I’ll take care of you”

**********

Merlin made sure to separate himself from the King, by then sleeping more peacefully, before the first rays of the sun lightened the autumn sky. No good could come out of them been found lying entwined together, and there wasn’t anything else he could do for Arthur.

Since he was already up, Merlin started making some broth, knowing it was the most probable dish Arthur would agree to eat, and he desperately needed some nourishment if he was to start his recovery.

Soon the smell of the delicious food reached everybody’s nostrils –even Arthur’s– and they started waking up. Leon approached the King to see for himself how he was faring, and he helped him sit up as Merlin pretended to be busy with the food. The servant didn’t know how Arthur was feeling towards him after a good night’s sleep, but he didn’t want to find out in front of the other knights.

“How are you feeling, Arthur?” Merlin heard Leon ask the young king, as he kindly rearranged the blanket so it would still cover him in the cold hours of the morning.

“I’m good” Arthur unsurprisingly answered, although everyone in the camp could tell it was a huge lie just by the way he perched against the tree log on his back.

“Are you in any pain?” Leon insisted, obviously not believing his friend considering his long experience in diminishing any injury.

“It’s nothing I can’t stand” Arthur stubbornly insisted.

“Maybe Merlin has something that...”

“Merlin can’t do anything about it” Arthur was quick to interrupt, and it was like a blade piercing Merlin’s heart even if he pretended not be offended by it.

“Well, he can give you some of his wonderful broth, which I’m sure you’ve smelled by now. At least it’s hot, and I’m sure it will make you feel better” Leon guaranteed him with a friendly pat on his shoulder, and then stood up to leave room for Merlin to feed the king, oblivious to the tension going on between them.

Merlin knew he couldn’t ask for any of the other knights to help Arthur with the broth, as he would look too suspicious. The night before they couldn’t move him an inch away from Arthur and all of a sudden he didn’t want to approach him? There was no way to avoid it, he knew it, so with a sigh he picked up a plate and walked to the King.

Arthur looked at him for a second, with an unreadable expression on his face –could it be longing, Merlin thought, a desire of forgetting about everything that had happened between them and be comforted by the person he had loved the most until then?–, but then he averted his gaze away and made no move to acknowledge Merlin’s presence.

“You will eat something, won’t you, Arthur?” Merlin pleaded, kneeling next to him.

“Of course he will, he promised last night” Gwaine joked from his place around the fire, completely ignorant of their fall out.

Merlin looked questioningly at Arthur again, and the blond finally nodded in surrender. He didn’t think he could keep anything down, just the thought of it was making him nauseous, but he had promised he’d eat in the morning and he had never broken a promise before.

Merlin fed him in silence, slowly so as to give the King time to calmly swallow and not make him sick with his rush. The young warlock could see how big an effort Arthur was doing not to tell him to stop, and he admired him for it. Merlin could also see the pain the still fresh wound was causing him, and he felt the need to do something to relieve him of that suffering.

“I can try something for the pain” Merlin whispered, so only Arthur would hear.

“No, you won’t try anything” Arthur answered, equally soft. He didn’t want the knights to hear them, nor to see Merlin performing magic on him. He was hurt and disappointed at him, but that didn’t mean he wanted Merlin to be discovered, especially when he was injured and defenceless and would not be able to do anything if the knights reacted badly and wanted to execute him.

Merlin, though, didn’t understood that Arthur was just trying to protect him and took his words as a rejection, as a sign that he didn’t want anything to do with him or his magic, so he didn’t insist and kept feeding the king in silence until he said he couldn’t have any more.

As soon as everybody finished their breakfasts, they started packing their things to go, and it wasn’t long before two more knights arrived with a carriage, as Gaius had promised. Leon and Percival carefully lifted the King, trying to ignore his hiss of pain at the movement, and placed him in the back of the carriage, where Merlin had made a comfortable bed with blankets and pillows for him to lay on.

“Merlin, you go with him in the back in case he needs anything, alright?” Leon suggested with a wink of his eye, thinking he was doing them a big favour.

“Of course” Merlin answered with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. He would have gone with him even if Leon hadn’t said anything, because he needed to take care of him and make sure he was alright –they all knew they couldn’t trust him to tell them if he was not feeling well–, but he didn’t think Arthur was going to be very happy at the arrangement.

If he wasn’t, though, he never said anything, and Merlin dared to hope that, in spite of how he felt towards him, Arthur still took comfort on Merlin’s presence at his side, especially when he was his most vulnerable. It was in times like this that Merlin found Arthur relied on him more than ever, and it pained Merlin to know this time he could not be there for him as always. But Arthur still wanted him near, though. And for a second, Merlin thought maybe all was not lost yet.

“Arthur, we need to talk” Merlin pleaded once they were in their way, hoping the noise of the carriage would hide their voices.

“Not now, Merlin” Arthur answered, gritting his teeth at the pain.

“But Arthur, I can’t... we need to talk” Merlin repeated, desperate for Arthur to give him any sign that he still wanted to fight for them.

“We’ll speak at home” Arthur refused to talk once again, and Merlin tried not to feel to hopeful at the mention of ‘home’, as if he was still going to be welcome at Camelot and at his side.

“But...”

“I can’t do this right now, Merlin” Arthur implored for him to let go, and it was then than Merlin understood how painful the movement of the carriage, as slow as it was going, was to Arthur because of the still open wound on his side.

Unable to watch the person he loved the most in the world suffer like that, he took Arthur’s hand in his and let him squeeze it as much as he needed, if that would help him keep the pain at bay. To his surprise, Arthur didn’t refuse the contact, but instead he squeezed Merlin’s hand strongly as a lonely tear fell down his cheek.

“I hope some day you will be able to forgive me” Merlin lamented, his own voice shaking as his heart broke with Arthur’s pain, both emotional and physical, and he captured Arthur’s tear with his thumb before gently caressing his cheek in a comforting gesture.

Arthur didn’t answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it was a bit short, but I wanted to finish it here. The next chapter (with the big fight we all have been waiting for) is half written already, so I don't think it will take me this long to post it ;)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So to compensate the short chapter yesterday, here's a loooong one! Enjoy!

It was already dark when the carriage finally entered the fortress of Camelot. Merlin could feel the prying eyes of the few people still on the streets, but he knew they were well-intended, kind people worrying about their king. Arthur, though, didn’t seem to be aware of it. He was beyond any caring after all he had had to bear throughout the day. The knights and Merlin had wanted to stop several times for him to rest, every time a painful groan escaped Arthur’s lips unwillingly after a bump on the road. But the King had refused, insisting to go on: the sooner they made it to Camelot, the sooner he could finally rest on his bed, eat good food and start his recovery once and for all. Seeing the pain he was in, no one dared to contradict him, and they kept on riding as they had been asked.

Percival and Leon refused the offer of the knights standing guard at the gates of the castle to take the King to his chambers and once again lifted their friend, carefully, and took him themselves, happy to be able to do something to help him. It was then, and only then, than Arthur let go of Merlin’s hand, after having held on to it during all the hours they had spent travelling. Merlin, with a strange feeling of emptiness in his hand and heart, immediately followed after the knights, only stopping for a second to ask a servant nearby to get Gaius and send him to the King’s chambers.

Leon and Percival carefully deposited Arthur on the bed, after Merlin had moved the covers aside, and offered their help to undress the King and make him comfortable. Both Arthur and Merlin refused: Arthur only wanted to be left alone, so miserable he was feeling; Merlin only wanted to have some time with Arthur before Gaius appeared, hoping they could talk and let him know how much he still loved him in spite everything that had happened between them.

“You alright? Are you comfortable?” Merlin asked, after the two knights had left, while he gently removed Arthur’s chain mal from his upper body.

“Yes” Arthur answered shortly, more from the pain than the anger.

“So... Arthur, can we talk now?” Merlin asked hesitantly.

“I can’t, Merlin” Arthur refused, closing his eyes in exhaustion.

“You only have to listen to me, Arthur” Merlin pleaded.

“Now it’s not the time for talking, boys” Gaius announced as he swiftly entered the room. He knew he was interrupting something important, but he also knew Arthur’s health was the most important issue at the moment. “I need to check on my patient right now, it’s been too long since I last did”

“No need to pretend, Gaius” Arthur responded. “I’m very aware of how my wound was treated”

“Then you also know it’s far from healed and you still need me to take care of it” Gaius answered, totally playing down the importance of Arthur’s words. He was far too old to be intimidated by a young boy he had treated since he was born, king or not.

“I should be angry at you too, shouldn’t I?” Arthur asked, his voice slurred with fatigue, as Gaius started removing the bandages to take a look at the wound.

“Probably, but you’re too tired for that right now, you can yell at me tomorrow if you’re up to it” Gaius answered in a joking tone, hoping to relieve some of the tension he could feel in the room. “The wound is looking good, sire, but I need to clean it and rebandage it to make sure we avoid infection”

“Do what you have to do” Arthur said, already preparing himself for Gaius probing on the wound.

“Have this first, sire” Gaius ordered him as he handed him a small bottle filled with a purple liquid.

“What’s that?”

“That’s for the pain. I bet it’s near unbearable after all the jolting of the day, and you don’t want me to make it worse as I clean it”

Arthur didn’t answer, still reluctant to admit how much he was hurting, but he took the vial from Gaius’ hand and emptied in one swallow. He made a face at the unexpected taste and then his eyes fluttered a couple of times until his head fell to the side on the pillow and his breathing relaxed in his sleep.

“I thought it was for the pain” Merlin commented, realising how Gaius had tricked Arthur into having a sleeping draught.

“Well, it is, it doesn’t hurt if he is asleep, does it? He desperately needs to rest, and I know he’s not going to unless we help him”

“You know about his troubles to sleep?” Merlin asked in surprise.

“Merlin, dear, do I need to remind you I’ve taken care of this boy since he was born? Who do you think he went to when he was little and couldn’t sleep? Surely not his father”

“Of course” Merlin nodded with a little smile, not really in the mood to start any small conversation.

“I understand he didn’t take it very well. About your magic, I mean” Gaius commented, as he started taking care of Arthur’s wound.

“No, he surely didn’t” Merlin answered in a sad voice.

“Well, I guess it was to be expected, after all. He’ll be able to see things more clearly when he’s feeling better, though. He’s had a hard time”

“I know, but still…”

“No, Merlin, you know I’m right. He’s exhausted and in a lot of pain. Now was not the time to start such a difficult conversation”

“That’s why you interrupted?”

“I thought it was for the best. You should give him some time to heal before you confront him with it again”

“I can’t wait, Gaius. I need to make him understand I only use magic for him, that I would never hurt him”

“Oh, but he knows that, my boy” Gaius answered with a knowing smile, as he finished bandaging Arthur’s wound once again.

“Really? Why is he so angry, then?” Merlin asked, looking quite defeated.

“You’ll have to ask him that, when he’s doing better”

Merlin just nodded and turned around, so he could pick up the desk’s chair and bring it to Arthur’s side.

“You’re going to spend the night here?” Gaius asked, even when he already knew the answer.

“Yes, I surely am” Merlin answered, already sitting down on the chair, moving it impossibly close to the headboard.

“You don’t need to. He’s safe now”

“I know, but... I have to stay, I need to be by his side. And not just for him” Merlin explained, tenderly moving Arthur’s fringe out of his forehead.

“I understand. But let him sleep as long as he needs to. And please, Merlin: give him time to come to terms. Don’t put more pressure on him. Nothing good will come of it, you hear me?”

“I hear you” Merlin answered, making sure not to agree with the old man so he wouldn’t be lying.

“Goodnight, my boy” Gaius said and then left the room.

Merlin sighed from his place next to his lover, relieved he was finally safe and grateful he wasn’t going to wake up any time soon so he could stay at his side just a little while longer. He gently grabbed Arthur’s hand between both of his and rested his own head on the chair’s back. It was going to be another long night, he thought, but he was not going to miss the chance of spending it at Arthur’s side, just in case it would be the last one.

**********

Merlin was taken out of his reverie by a little grunt coming from the bed. He had already been up for a while, even gone to the kitchen to get some breakfast for Arthur, once he awoke, and had sat down on the chair again, Arthur’s hand once again in his. He immediately sat up on his chair and moved to check on Arthur, who was just opening his eyes at that moment.

“Are we home?” Arthur asked, still more asleep than awake, and Merlin smiled at the familiarity of the scene: Arthur waking up next to him, talking to him even before really awakening, trying to make sense of his surroundings. For a second it all seemed so normal, so good…

“Yes, we finally made it” Merlin answered with a fond voice, squeezing Arthur’s hand to help him get a grip on reality.

Arthur’s mind awoke up finally and as he remembered the situation they were in, he instantly removed his hand from Merlin’s, and the young warlock feigned not to be offended by it.

“How are you feeling?” Merlin asked, moving around the bed to check on Arthur’s wound, and he smiled when he noticed it looked much better than the day before.

“Better” Arthur confirmed his suspicious, and Merlin could tell he was not lying this time by the improvement of the colour on his face.

“I brought you some breakfast” Merlin explained, signalling with a movement of his head the tray lying on the table.

“I’m not hungry, to be honest” Arthur refused, but Merlin was having none of it.

“You have to give it a try. You need your strength in order to make a full recovery” Merlin pleaded, knowing the King had eaten next to nothing since he had been injured.

Arthur nodded in surrender and let himself be fed, still too weak to help much. He never said a word, even if Merlin kept making small talk to fill the uncomfortable silence between them. His mind seemed to be in turmoil: now that he felt slightly better, his problems with Merlin came out full on focus, and it was obvious that he was having a hard time just knowing what to think or to do about it.

After half the tray had been eaten and Merlin felt satisfied enough with the effort, he rearranged the blankets around his loved one, so that he would be comfortable, and in a unconscious gesture he caressed the hair on his forehead, as he usually did whenever he wanted to comfort the young King.

“Don’t” Arthur said, and it was more of a plea than an order, so Merlin obeyed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think” Merlin apologised, removing his hand as if Arthur’s forehead suddenly burned.

“It’s alright” Arthur dismissed his apology, not wanting for Merlin to act as if nothing had happened but neither wanting to hurt him on purpose.

“I was wondering…” Merlin started with hesitation, but he couldn’t wait any longer, despite what Gaius had advised him. “Could we talk now, Arthur? I can’t stand this any longer”

“Not yet, Merlin, I don’t feel strong enough for this. Please” Arthur answered, and Merlin was surprised by the way Arthur asked him to leave it, not ordered him.

“Arthur, come on” Merlin insisted, desperate.

“I said no, Merlin. Please, respect my decision”

“I can’t, Arthur, I need to know what you’re thinking”

“Merlin, please. I need some time and space to process this, and you constantly pressing me is not making it any easier”

“I just don’t understand what you have to process. You already implied on the camp that you weren’t going to have me executed, didn’t you? What is it then? I’m the same person I was before the battle” Merlin needed to understand Arthur’s feelings and surely was not taking no for an answer.

“It’s not that simple. I don’t want to say anything I might regret, so if you please leave me alone for a while...”

Merlin hesitated and then thought better of it, so he just nodded and stood. Arthur was being careful, he didn’t want to hurt Merlin so he was asking him for a little bit of space to come to terms with everything before he said anything. Plus he was still impossibly weak and in pain, so maybe it was not the best of times to talk, as Gaius had said. And Merlin owed him that, after everything that had happened.

But what had happened, Merlin thought as he walked towards the door. That he had used magic in front of him? He had done it to save his life, after all. And Arthur had refused to let him explain ever since. Merlin knew magic was not wrong, and if Arthur couldn’t see that Merlin certainly didn’t owe him anything.

“That’s why I didn’t want you to know” Merlin reproached him, suddenly turning around again towards the King. “I knew you would get angry”

“Really?” Arthur answered with a humourless laugh. “I appreciate how highly you think of me”

“Come on, Arthur. You’ve been raised to hate magic”

“And you obviously thought I’m too dumb to think for myself”

“No, but...”

“Merlin, I asked you to leave me”

“I just want to know why my magic does make such a big difference”

“You’re not going to let it go, aren’t you?” Arthur asked, understanding there was no way he could avoid it any longer. But he was not ready yet. He hadn’t made a decision about what he felt for Merlin yet. It was not going to go well.

“No, not until I get an answer” Merlin stubbornly insisted, purposefully getting Gaius’ warning out of his mind. “I’m the same person I was two days ago! You don’t have to be afraid of me”

“I’m not afraid of you” Arthur denied in surprise.

“Yes, you are! You won’t even let me touch you!” Merlin all but yelled at him.

“That’s because I’m angry at you, not because I fear you” Arthur answered, now he being the one raising his voice.

“Well, I still think it’s not fair! How can magic be so damn wrong? I’ve saved your ass more times than I can count! Tell me how that is bad!”

“You don’t get it, do you?”

“Yes, Arthur, I get it. You can’t trust me anymore, but at least...” Merlin reproached him, but Arthur wouldn’t let him finish.

“How do you dare to speak about trust?” Arthur suddenly lowered his voice, as if all fight had left him, and Merlin could not help but feel sorry for him, despite his anger. “You reproach me for not accepting who you really are and you take the luxury of being angry at me, but you don’t really understand what I’m feeling right now, why I’m so disappointed”

“I know why you’re disappointed, and it’s because I have magic”

“No” Arthur denied in a whisper, and Merlin was left speechless because he could see he was telling the truth. “I’m disappointed because I’ve known you for so many years… Hell, we’ve been together for a couple of years now, we were best friends before that, yet you never told me. To know you have magic was a shock, yes, but it’s not why I am angry but the fact I didn’t have a clue. Merlin, I love you, more than you could ever imagine. If you would have come to me with your magic, banned or not, I would have gladly accepted it, because I trusted you, and I would have known that something coming out of you could never be bad. But you never gave me the chance to make that decision. You made it for me”

“Arthur, I…” Merlin didn’t know what to say. He was starting to understand now that the hurt he had been seeing in Arthur’s eyes for the past two days had nothing to do with his magic, and all the arguments he had been ready to give him suddenly made no sense.

“You say I don’t trust who you really are, but it’s you who never gave me the chance to see it” Arthur lamented.

“You know why I couldn’t” Merlin defended himself.

“With my father? With the kingdom? Yes, I understand. But with me?”

“It was my life that was at risk”

“And that’s the worst of all. You have no idea how much it hurts me to think you see me as capable of having you killed for who you are… or at all. And you talk about trust” the sadness in Arthur was so palpable it physically hurt Merlin. “If that’s the confidence you have in my love for you, then I don’t think it means anything at all”

“Arthur, no” Merlin implored for what it feel like an ending. “I’m sorry, I really am. I get it now, I understand how you must feel…”

“No” Arthur answered with a sad smile, all the fight in him gone. “You have no idea. I would have never doubted you like this”

“I know, I was so wrong” Merlin sighed, desperately trying to make Arthur understand his position, even if he couldn’t understand it himself anymore. “I didn’t know how you’d react when I started being your servant, and then I kind of got used to think I had to protect myself”

“Just tell me something” Arthur questioned him, his eyes and voice full of hurt. “Did you ever trust me?”

“Of course I did, but...”

“But you thought I could kill you. How could you be with me if you didn’t trust me?”

“Because I love you” Merlin almost yelled, such was his need to make him understand. “I’ve always loved you”

“It doesn’t make it any better now, Merlin” Arthur murmured, feeling weaker by the minute.

“It was not easy for me either, Arthur” Merlin tried to defend himself one last time, but to no use.

“No, I guess not. But I would have made it easier for you had I known, you should have known that. It’s too late for that now”

“What do you mean ‘too late’? We can fix this, Arthur. Please”

“No, Merlin. I don’t know if we can” Arthur shook his head, his eyes glistening with sadness, as he turned around on the bed with his back to Merlin, trying to hide the tears he knew were coming.

Merlin stood rooted to the place for a few seconds, unable to move, devastated for what he had lost. He realised now how wrong he had been in assuming Arthur was afraid or repulsed by his magic. Merlin knew Arthur was not lying, and it was not the fact that he had magic what had hurt him so much; he realised now there hadn’t been the tiniest trace of fear or even rejection in Arthur’s eyes at discovering his big secret. Only a moment of surprise, and then an incredible sadness that Merlin now understood it was not because he was a sorcerer. What had really hurt and angered Arthur had been Merlin’s lack of trust in him.

As Arthur’s body shook with silent sobs, Merlin moved to him, his heart breaking at the fact it had been him the one causing so much suffering in the one person that meant the world to him. He wanted... no, he needed to comfort him, to make it all better like he usually did. But not this time.

“Leave me, Merlin” Arthur pleaded, as soon as he felt Merlin’s hand on his arm, not wanting to give in to the temptation of Merlin’s touch. “Please”

Gulping, Merlin knew he couldn’t ignore Arthur’s pleas any longer and moved to the door. It was the least he could do, he owed him that. Even if it meant for him to go without knowing if he would be welcome ever again, he bitterly thought as he closed the door behind him.


	15. Chapter 15

Merlin sat at Gaius’ chambers, trying to convince himself he was doing something useful as he crushed some herbs for a potion on the mortar. It had been two whole days since he had last been near Arthur, and not having to take care of him –and not spending time with him– left him with a lot of time to kill. A lot of time to feel miserable and to miss him with every fibre of his body and soul.

“Gaius, how is he?” Merlin asked as soon as Gaius came back from Arthur’s chambers. That he wasn’t allowed near him anymore didn’t mean he had stopped worrying about him. He doubted he ever would.

“He’s alright. His wound shows no sign of infection and it’s healing nicely” Gaius answered, trying to reassure Merlin everything was going well with Arthur, but the young warlock could easily tell Gaius wasn’t telling him the whole truth.

“And... how is he doing?” Merlin was afraid to ask.

“Not so good” the old man confessed with a sigh. “He’ll hardly talk to me or to anybody else. He only speaks with Leon regularly, but only about the Kingdom’s issues as far as I can tell. He’s pretty much withdrawn himself to the world”

“Is he eating and sleeping at least?”

“He’s hardly eating, according to the cook. And by the dark circles around his eyes, I guess he’s not sleeping as he should, either”

“He’s still so weak, he does need to take care of himself in order to make a full recovery” Merlin lamented, running a frustrated hand through his messy hair.

“I don’t think his health is the most important thing for him now, Merlin”

“Gaius, you have to do something” Merlin knew he was begging, but he didn’t care.

“Merlin, there is nothing I can do for him if he doesn’t want to be helped. You know there’s only one person who can get him out of this state”

Merlin sighed, a sad half-grin on his face, and he shook his head. He had been that person alright: for years, he had been the only one allowed to see the ups and downs on the prince –now the king–, the only one allowed at his side when he wanted to be alone. He was not that person anymore, though.

“Maybe before, but not anymore, not after I hurt him so badly” Merlin answered in a sad whisper.

“Let me ask you something: did Arthur get like this when Morgana betrayed him? Or Agravaine?” Gaius asked inquisitively, trying to give Merlin a new perspective on Arthur’s feelings.

“No, I know he didn’t, but...”

“But nothing. Even if they were family, none of them meant for him as much as you do. That’s why your betrayal has hurt the worst by far. But that’s also why you’re the only one Arthur will forgive, if you just give him the chance. Don’t make a decision for him again, you already made that mistake. You should go and see him”

“He doesn’t want me there” Merlin insisted.

“How are you so sure?”

“The last time I saw him he asked me to leave”

“That was two days ago”

“Has he asked about me at all?” Merlin asked, trying not to put too many hopes in the old man’s anwer.

“No” Gaius confessed, but he was not going to surrender so easily when he knew the happiness of his two favourite people was at stake. “But as I said, he hardly speaks”

“If he wanted me there he would have already sent for me”

“Maybe he doesn’t know yet he wants to see you. Maybe he needs for you to let him know you’re still there for him”

“He knows that” Merlin answered, surprised at the foolishness of Arthur not knowing about his love for him.

“Maybe he just needs to be reminded, then” Gaius persisted. “Maybe he just needs for you to insist, to fight for him”

Merlin hesitated for a second, weighing Gaius’ words in his head. Could he be right? Was Arthur waiting for him to insist? To know he still cared? No, he had made sure to let him know that and he still had refused him. There was nothing he could do to change Arthur’s mind, he was sure of that.

“No, I need to respect his wishes, I can’t let him down on that too. That’s why I need you to be there for him, Gaius. He’s lost his father and his sister, and if he isn’t talking to me... I don’t want him to go through all that alone”

“He has Leon and the rest of the knights too, they’re good friends to him. Maybe he’ll talk to them when he’s ready”

“No, he wouldn’t do that, because that would imply telling them about my magic and he would never expose me like that” Merlin answered, not realising the importance of his own words.

“Are you sure about that?” Gaius asked, wanting to make sure he had heard correctly.

“Absolutely, without the tiniest of doubts”

“Then you do trust him” Gaius confirmed with a knowing smile. He finally had Merlin where he wanted.

“Of course I trust him, I know he’d never...” Merlin replied automatically before he realised what Gaius was implying. “Gaius, I trust him. I’ve always trusted him, even if I never realised it”

“You have. You didn’t doubt him for a second”

“How could I have been so blind? Of course I’ve always known he would never do anything that could hurt me. I was wrong not to tell him after all this time, but it was not because I was afraid for my life, I know that now. But how can I make him see that?”

“The only way is to talk to him and make him understand. He will listen”

“Will he?”

“Of course. You know as well as I do Arthur is not as stubborn as he seems and that he will always listen to you above everyone else”

“Well, it surely doesn’t seem like this at the moment” Merlin lamented, remembering how Arthur had rejected even the tiniest touch.

“He’s angry and hurt, Merlin. And may I add with reason. He needs his time to come to terms with everything. You may have to insist a little bit more than usual”

“You’re right. He surely deserves for me to insist as much as he needs, after the way I’ve hurt him. But I’m not going to disappoint him again, I swear” Merlin promised with a hopeful smile as he suddenly stood up and ran to the door. “I’ll see you later, Gaius. And thanks”

**********

Merlin felt a renewed hope as he entered the castle again. He had spent all the afternoon in the woods just trying to find those berries Arthur loved so much –and that he had collected for Merlin the first time they had had a picnic together, over two years ago–. According to Gaius, Arthur needed some nourishment urgently to recover his strength, and it would probably be easier to convince him to eat with something he loved and that meant so much to him. He had also picked up a flower, the same kind Arthur had picked for him only a few days ago, that rainy afternoon Merlin had waited for him in his room while Arthur trained with the knights, what it felt like a lifetime ago. He knew they were only small gestures, very little compared to the damage he had caused, but although Arthur would never admit it, Merlin knew the young king was quite a romantic at heart and he would appreciate them. At least, Merlin hoped so. Once he got to explain how mistaken he had been, and how he knew now he had always trusted him, maybe Arthur would give him another chance. Merlin couldn’t simply accept the alternative of spending a lifetime not shared with Arthur.

Not feeling comfortable with the idea of entering the chambers unannounced, as he had always done before, he softly knocked on the door and waited for an answer. Arthur didn’t know it was him, so there was no reason for him to ban his entrance. But when a couple of seconds passed and he couldn’t hear any answer from the inside, he slowly opened the door and pocked his head around it.

“Arthur?” he asked, softly, giving the king the chance to reject him, if that’s what he wanted. But still he got no answer.

As he entered the room, a fond smile immediately broke on his face as he noticed the reason of Arthur’s silence: he was fast asleep, lying on his side, his mouth partially open and his hair a mess, in a way that could only be described as adorable. Alright, his judgement might be biased, Merlin thought, but he was sure he had never seen his lover look so beautiful as he looked at that moment.

Merlin left the fruit and the flower on Arthur’s bedside table, and he carefully sat on the edge of the bed. He was dying to speak to Arthur, now he had found the courage to do it, but he didn’t have the heart to wake him up. Gaius had informed him of how little he was sleeping, so who was he to deprive him of those little moments of rest? He would have plenty of time to do that later, or the next day if necessary. But the most important thing right then was still Arthur’s vulnerable health.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t spend a few minutes at his side, if only to be comforted by the warmth of his body. Just to admire Arthur’s beautiful features as Merlin’s hand idly stroke the soft hair on the top of his head. He had surely missed the touch of his skin, he thought, as his hand travelled all around Arthur’s cheek and the side of his neck. He prayed, not for the first time, that it was not going to be the last time he was able to feel it.

Sighing, he bended forward and let his lips touch Arthur’s forehead in a chaste kiss, full of love and longing, and then he stood up and moved to the door. Before he got out of the room, though, he turned around again and looked at Arthur’s sleeping form one more time while making a decision: he was not going to give up until Arthur forgave him.

**********

Only a while later Arthur opened his eyes and lazily stretched his limbs. He hadn’t expected to fall asleep in the middle of the day –he surely wasn’t that easy at night–, but that little nap had done some good to his achy muscles. Even his wound, though still tender, didn’t seem to hurt so bad anymore. And he had the strange feeling that someone had been watching over him. Probably a dream, he thought, and very carefully he sat up to rest his back on the headboard of the bed.

It was then than he discovered the little gifts lying on his bedside table. He was confused for a second, and he wondered if he was really awake. But then a smile broke on his lips before he was able to prevent it, and he felt a tugging of yearning in his heart to have at his side the person he knew had left those things for him.

He smelled the flower with closed eyes, unsuccessfully trying to find a trace of Merlin’s unique scent on it. And then he picked up the little plate full of berries and grabbed one to taste it, as his stomach unexpectedly grumbled in protest for the lack of attention it had been receiving. Arthur felt ravenous all of a sudden, so he put the plate on his lap and started eating one berry after the other as his mind wandered towards the image of a gangly, clumsy boy who had never failed to know what could make him feel better.

As Arthur sampled those berries he loved so much, he remembered another time Merlin had picked some of them for him too, and that had been three days after his father died. Like now, Arthur had been neglecting his eating for too long for Merlin’s liking, so the young warlock had disappeared for a couple of hours as he collected what he hoped would whet his lover’s appetite once and for all. And, as always, he had been right.

That made Arthur think about his father’s death. How devastated and lost he had felt, knowing the whole kingdom depended only on him now and having lost the only parent he had ever known. But he had been able to get over it because Merlin had been at his side, taking care of him. As he always did.

***

_Gaius carefully covered with the blanket the face of the fallen King out of respect. Uther had led a life full of mistakes and hate towards those who blamed for everything that was wrong in the world, but in the end he had given up his life for that of his son, and Gaius would honour him, if only for that. And for Arthur, of course, who was stoically holding on as it was his place now, as the new King of Camelot._

_“Please” he surprised everyone in the room with a firm voice. “Could you leave me alone with him for a few minutes?”_

_“Of course, sire” Gaius immediately agreed, as he gently pushed Guinevere and Merlin towards the door. “I’ll start the preparations to... take care of the King”_

_“Thank you, Gaius. You’re a loyal friend” Arthur gratefully nodded, before turning his back to them and walking to stand by the window._

_Merlin accompanied the others to the door, but he closed the door behind them and remained in the room. He knew Arthur had asked to be left alone, but he also knew he was only trying to stay strong, as he thought it was his duty. Merlin knew the following days were going to be a chaos, with Uther’s funeral and Arthur’s coronation and everything, so he needed to be by his side and give him strength before he was swallowed in a rush of events that would leave him dizzy and lost._

_“Arthur” Merlin whispered, to make his presence known to his lover._

_“Merlin, I asked to be left alone” Arthur answered, equally soft, with no trace of reproach on his voice, only sadness._

_“I couldn’t leave you alone on a time like this” Merlin honestly answered, his voice catching in his throat as he felt Arthur’s sorrow in his own heart._

_“It’s my duty now. I am the King”_

_“You’re still a person” Merlin reasoned with him, and he put his arms around Arthur’s waist from behind to prove the point that Arthur still deserved and needed to be comforted after the death of his father. “You’re still allowed to feel”_

_“No, I’m not. I need to stay strong, I’ll have to announce... everything to the people of Camelot in a few minutes” Arthur answered, his voice breaking._

_“They can wait” Merlin answered, planting a loving kiss on his shoulder as his arms embraced Arthur more strongly._

_“Merlin, please” Arthur begged for him to let it go, feeling that he was going to break down if Merlin kept being go kind to him. “I need to get a grip on myself, and you’re not helping. I need to be alone”_

_“Arthur...”_

_“No. I have to be strong. I am the King now, there’s no room for weakness”_

_“Mourning your father is not being weak. You shouldn’t be alone at a time like this, Arthur”_

_“Merlin, I asked you to go” Arthur implored, is voice not as firm as before._

_“I’m not leaving you alone” Merlin disagreed, resting his forehead against the back of Arthur’s neck._

_“Merlin, I don’t want to argue, I just need to be alone”_

_“No, you need me to stay with you, even if you want to play tough. I know you have to be strong for the sake of everybody, but not now, not here. Not with me”_

_“Merlin, please”_

_“Arthur, you can let go with me. I’m here for you. I’m not leaving you alone”_

_“Everyone does” Arthur whispered, breaking Merlin’s heart in the process._

_“Not me”_

_Arthur turned around from the window to look at Merlin and that was the moment when he couldn’t hold it anymore. His eyes filled with tears all of a sudden and his chin started to tremble._

_“He’s gone, Merlin” was all he could say, before his whole body started shaking with sobs and his knees buckled. He would have ended on the floor if not for the quick intervention of Merlin, who once again enveloped him in a strong embrace and let them both carefully fall on their knees._

_“I know” Merlin answered, his own voice trembling at his lover’s sorrow, and he held him strongly to his chest, his lips depositing a kiss on top of Arthur’s head._

_“He’s gone” Arthur repeated, letting himself be engulfed in Merlin’s body around him, desperate for some indication that he was not alone in the world._

_“I know. But I’m here for you, you know that, don’t you? I will never leave you alone, you hear me?”_

_“Do you promise?” Arthur asked, suddenly sounding like a little lost boy._

_“I swear to you, Arthur. I love you more than life itself, and I will never let anything come between us. I will always be here for you”_

_***_

_I will never let anything come between us_ , Arthur remembered, suddenly feeling angry again. He guessed Merlin hadn’t counted with Arthur finding out about all his lies then. He hadn’t counted with the lack of trust in him Merlin had shown. Suddenly Arthur felt more alone than ever, even more than when his father died. Because then he had Merlin, and what he supposed was a real loving relationship that hadn’t let him fall even at the worst of times.

But he didn’t have that anymore. He was falling and there was no one to stop his tumble this time. Yes, he had been the one to tell Merlin to leave him alone. But that had been two days ago and the fool hadn’t even pocked his head to ask him how he was doing. And he thought that some fruit and a flower would make everything better? How shallow did he think he was?

Arthur suddenly felt like he was suffocating in the room he had been stuck for the last three days. He needed air, space, distance, and he needed them immediately. Holding his side protectively, he shakily got up from the bed and started getting dressed with a lot of difficulty. It still hurt like the devil, but he needed to disappear for a while. He needed to get Merlin out of his mind, and he was not going to be able to do that in the room they had practically shared for the last two years. It was time to put Merlin in the past. 


	16. Chapter 16

Merlin came back to Arthur’s chambers as night fell and once again he wasn’t answered when he knocked on the door. Thinking Arthur would still be sleeping, he once again opened the door, willing to wake him up this time so they could have that talk they needed so much.

Merlin frowned when he noticed the empty chambers. He knew Arthur was still not allowed to leave the bed, let alone the room. Although he was recovering as well as could be expected, he was still far from healed, and Merlin doubted he would even have the strength to stand on his feet.

Where was he? Merlin noticed his bed clothes lying on the floor, so that meant he had taken the trouble to get dressed. Had the confinement been too much and he had decided to take a walk around the castle? He hoped he hadn’t decided to make it outside: it was far too cold for someone on his condition.

Suddenly getting a bad feeling on his gut, Merlin turned to the closet on the wall and opened it. He knew Arthur’s clothes like the back of his own hand, and he could clearly see that he had taken his blue hooded cloak, the one he used whenever he wanted to go unnoticed amongst the people of the village. But why would he feel the need to be invisible?

Merlin’s heart sank as he noticed something else missing in the room: Arthur’s sword, the one he always kept on top of his chest of drawers. And he needing the protection of a sword could only mean one thing: Arthur had left Camelot.

Feeling as if his lungs couldn’t get enough air at the prospect of having lost him, Merlin sat on the bed, trying to convince himself that none of those things proved Arthur had left for good. In fact, he hadn’t taken any of his personal stuff, nor his clothes. Not even his mother’s ring, which was lying on his bedside table, and Merlin knew how terribly important it was for him. Maybe... maybe he just needed to disappear for a while; Arthur was tremendously responsible, and Merlin knew he wouldn’t leave his people in the lurch. Would he?

He needed time? He would give him a day. Just one. And if he was not back by then he would go for him and bring him back. And he wouldn’t hesitate to get Kilgharrah to help him, if it came to that.

**********

Morning came and still no sign of Arthur. Not that he had been expecting it so soon, Merlin lamented, but he had cherished hopes of discovering it had all been a misunderstanding and Arthur was sleeping like a baby in his bed, spread all over it and looking adorably childlike in his own unique way. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and his bed was as empty as Merlin’s heart felt at the moment.

The young sorcerer had already given up on the idea of having any work done that day –not that he would have a lot to do, with Arthur gone–, as he would definitely spend it visiting Arthur’s chambers every little while, just in case he returned as silently as he had left.

On one of these visits, Merlin saw Leon walking along the corridor leading to Arthur’s chambers ahead of him and he knew he was going for their daily reunion to discuss the Kingdom matters. Merlin didn’t want anyone to know yet that Arthur had disappeared; he thought he owed him to cover for him for at least one day, as he knew what an scandal the disappearance of the King would be: those not that loyal to Arthur would take that as a chance to prove how untrustworthy he was. And Arthur’s friends would worry and instantly organize a search party to bring him home. Either way, Merlin doubted Arthur would appreciate it. If he needed time, Merlin would be sure to give it to him. It was the least he could do for him.

“Leon!” Merlin called after him, hurrying to meet him in the hallway before he could knock on Arthur’s door.

“Hey, Merlin. I was going to speak to Arthur, as we do every morning” Leon explained, not stopping his advances.

“No” Merlin suddenly said, grabbing Leon’s arm to stop him. “Arthur has had... a relapse and he’s not well for today’s reunion”

“Is he alright?” Leon asked, instantly worried for his friend. “Maybe I should go and see how he is, if he’s up to some friendly visiting. I promise not to mention anything about Camelot”

“I know you wouldn’t, but he’s asleep right now. Don’t worry, he’ll be alright, it’s just... well, he’s not been sleeping as well as he should so I guess it just finally caught up with him. You can take care of everything for today, right?”

“Yes, of course” Leon answered with a kind smile, happy to help his King and best friend in any way he could. “Just... give him my regards, please”

“Of course” Merlin lied.

“And I was going to tell you to take good care of him... but I don’t think you need me to” Leon joked, patting Merlin’s arm in a friendly way.

“No, I don’t” Merlin kept on with the joke, trying to sound convincing.

“Alright, so I’ll see him tomorrow, if he’s feeling up to it”

“Thank you, Leon” Merlin thanked him, honestly this time.

“Don’t mention it” Leon said over his shoulder as he walked, as always playing down the importance of how a trusted friend he was.

**********

It was almost dawn and Merlin was still alone in Arthur’s chambers. He hadn’t even pretended to leave the room for some hours now. It would look pretty suspicious for him to be seen up and down all day and night, he thought. But who was he trying to fool: it was pure anxiety what was keeping him there. He wondered, not for the first time, if he would even try to sleep at all, and promised himself that at first light he would go to the forest, call Kilgharrah and start looking. If that stubborn mule he had as a lover –yes, he refused to think of him as anything less than that– thought Merlin was going to give up on them, he had another thing coming.

His eyes were closed, though he was not asleep, and his hand was holding his tired head while his elbow rested on the armrest of Arthur’s favourite chair, when suddenly he heard some noise outside. Someone banging once on the door, as if they had bumped into it, and some feet dragging across the floor, apparently too tired to walk properly. Merlin immediately got up, but before he could move, the door opened widely until it banged the wall and Arthur struggled inside the room.

“Where the hell have you been?” Merlin yelled when Arthur entered the room, more out of worry more than anger, carefully closing the door behind the King. He turned around to look at him, and he immediately lowered his voice in sadness at noticing the state Arthur was in: how he hardly could walk straight because of the alcohol he had obviously consumed, and how his face was covered in bruises and gashes, as if he had been fighting. “What happened to you, are you alright?”

“I don’t see how this would be any of your business” Arthur answered, his voice slurred with alcohol. “What the hell are you doing in my room?”

“Waiting for you, of course” Merlin answered, trying to ignore Arthur’s anger so he wouldn’t be ordered out of the room before he had had the chance to speak. “Your side is bleeding, you must have re-opened the wound” Merlin noticed as he approached Arthur and tried to touch him to check his injuries, but Arthur wouldn’t let him and moved away from him again. “I was worried sick” Merlin pleaded.

“You shouldn’t have, there’s no reason for you to worry about me” Arthur rebuked, the alcohol clearly speaking for him.

“How about the fact I care about you?” Merlin insisted, not touching Arthur but not moving away from him either.

“Then don’t, ‘cause what I do or where I am has nothing to do with you”

“It has, whether you like it or not”

“Why?”

“Why? Because I love you”

“Yeah” Arthur laughed ironically. “You left that very clear when you thought I was going to have you burnt”

“I’m sorry, Arthur” Merlin sighed. “How many more times do you need me to apologize? Because I will, as many times as you need”

“I’m not asking you to apologize” Arthur explained, and for a second Merlin could almost hear the Arthur he knew and loved so much, the one who would never hurt him on purpose. But it was instantly replaced again but that colder version of himself Merlin was growing used to. “I only want you to leave me alone once and for all”

“I can’t, Arthur” Merlin answered in all honesty. “I can’t just stand and watch how you destroy yourself”

“Then don’t look!” Arthur yelled full of anger, making Merlin jump for the intensity of it. “I don’t want you to save me anymore! I know you think I can’t take care of myself just because you’ve been saving my life for longer than I can remember, but hey, I managed alright until you came, didn’t I?”

“I never said you couldn’t take care of yourself” Merlin responded, as calmly as he was able.

“No, but there were a lot of things you never said, weren’t there? Just... stop trying to make me feel so useless and get the hell out of my life”

“Have you been fighting?” Merlin asked, trying not to sound too reproachful.

“So what if I have? Mind your own business” Arthur rejected him, turning his back to him and trying to make his way to his bed. He sat heavily on it and was surprised to find Merlin hadn’t moved. “Why are you still here?”

“Because I have something to tell you” _and because I can’t trust you to take care of yourself right now_ , he added to himself.

“You’re leaving me, aren’t you?” Arthur asked in a scared whisper, all the fight in him gone in a flash to be replaced by fear. Merlin’s heart shattered into pieces once again at how broken Arthur was, how he desperately needed someone to stay for him, after everything he’d lost, after all the betrayals he had experienced.

“What?” Merlin couldn’t believe his ears. Arthur should know there was nothing that could take him away from his King.

“I finally pushed you away” Arthur murmured, and there was so much defeat in his voice that Merlin wondered if he would ever be able to make it all better for him again.

“No, you didn’t” Merlin assured him, but Arthur was not listening.

“Like I did with everyone else”

“No, Arthur, listen to me” Merlin said in a authoritarian tone, kneeling in front of him and cupping Arthur’s face with both his hands to force him to look at him. “I’m not going anywhere. I just want you to forgive me and be at your side for as long as you want me”

“I can’t keep losing people I love” Arthur answered in a broken voice, as a lonely tear escaped his eye.

Merlin felt a stab of pain in his chest at seeing Arthur so broken, so he trusted his instincts and let his face go only to sit next to him and wrap his arms strongly around the blond, hoping he wouldn’t refuse the contact and the comfort it would bring. Fortunately, he didn’t.

“You’ve not lost me” Merlin promised, gently holding Arthur’s head under his own chin to make him feel protected. “I’m the one who made a mistake, and I’m sorry, but I’m still here for you. I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to”

“I’m sorry” he whispered, so softly that Merlin almost didn’t hear him.

“No, love. You’ve got nothing be sorry for. You have all the right to be angry and hurt, but please, I need you to forgive me”

“I don’t really want you out of my life” Arthur confessed, and Merlin chuckled at the happiness those words brought him.

“I’m glad to hear that” Merlin answered, feeling as if his heart had awakened from a deep sleep and was again fluttering like crazy.

“It’s just... you hurt me so much”

“I know. And I’ll regret it for the rest of my life”

“Can we just... forget about it?” Arthur pleaded, extricating himself from Merlin’s embrace to look him at him, all the emotion in him easily displayed in his expressive eyes.

“Do you think we could start from scratch all over again?” Merlin asked, his heart full of hope.

“No”

“No?” Merlin asked, not sure he couldn’t cope with another rejection.

“I don’t want to start from the beginning again, when I was an arrogant prat you could hardly stand” Arthur explained, taking Merlin’s hand in his and squeezing it lovingly. “I want to take it from where we left it, when we loved each other and already knew nothing could ever come between us”

“That’s a brilliant idea” Merlin answered with the biggest of smiles, as he brought Arthur’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “So... we’re good?”

“Yeah” Arthur answered, kind of hesitantly, but then he nodded and repeated it more confidently while he shyly caressed Merlin’s cheek. “Yeah, we’re good”

Merlin felt so happy that there were no words that could describe it, so once again he put his arms around his lover and squeezed him strongly to him, so strongly that he feared he was going to crush him. But then Arthur hissed in pain, and Merlin immediately broke the embrace in fear, though he kept his hands on Arthur’s arms, unable to stop touching him now that he was allowed to.

“I’m sorry, love. Did I hurt you?” he apologised.

“It’s just... my wound” Arthur confessed, embarrassed to admit he hadn’t been taken care of it.

“Can I take a look at it?” Merlin asked, not wanting to overwhelm Arthur, but the King just nodded and lifted his shirt for Merlin to see the offending injury. “It’s not that bad, you only opened a couple of the stitches. May I take care of it?”

“It’s fine, Merlin, you don’t need to...”

“Just... humour me on this, alright? I’ve worried enough for the day”

“Alright” Arthur conceded, obviously feeling guilty about having caused Merlin so much worry.

Merlin took some cloth and a remedy for Gaius he kept on Arthur’s chest of drawers, for whenever he sported some injury while training, and he carefully pushed Arthur’s upper body to lay in the bed, so he could take care of it. He could tell Arthur still needed a lot of reassurance of how much he loved him in his vulnerable state, so he made sure to put all his love and caring in the simple task of cleaning his wound.

“I was so close, Merlin” Arthur confessed all of a sudden, his eyes glistening with tears. “So close to flee and leave everything behind. The kingdom, the responsibilities... you...”

“You wanted to leave me behind?” Merlin asked while playing with the hair on Arthur’s forehead in a reassuring gesture, understanding and terribly relieved about Arthur’s change of opinion that had got him back to him.

“Yes. I wanted it so badly... But at the same time it was you who made me come back. I would like to say otherwise, and to tell you I did it for my people, but it was only you who brought me back home. I knew I couldn’t really live without you”

“Oh, Arthur...” Merlin mumbled, his own eyes filling with tears this time at Arthur’s bare and raw emotion. “I love you” Merlin promised, bending over to cup Arthur’s cheek in his hand and capture his lips in a slow kiss that lingered. Arthur’s lips still felt so sweet, so familiar, so Merlin’s...

“I love you too”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was soooo dying for them to love each other again too... Next chapter is going to be pretty much them talking and making it all better, I'm warning you! ;)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure I'm really happy with this chapter... I hope you don't get bored of them talking and talking... And they are not even finished! But it was getting to be too long a chapter so I finished it here. More soon! Thank you and enjoy!

Merlin sat on Arthur’s bed with his back to the headboard at the early hours of the morning. He looked down and smiled at the sight of Arthur’s beautiful face on his lap, fast asleep. He had fallen asleep while Merlin was taking care of his minor injuries, no doubt caused by fighting, his body exhausted, his mind peaceful at last.

The young warlock hadn’t felt like sleeping, though. When he had noticed Arthur’s lack of response to his silly talk and had looked at his face to discover he was asleep, he had felt a rush of tenderness and love that had shaken him in bliss. Too many feelings where swirling in his heart at the moment for him to be able to sleep, so he had contented himself to sit on the bed, carefully manoeuvred Arthur so he would use his head as a pillow –would a day arrive when he didn’t need Arthur’s contact so much?– and had been gently caressing Arthur’s hair since then.

At midmorning Merlin heard a soft knock on the door and he panicked for a second. For them to be seen in this compromising position... would not leave much to imagination, would it?

“Sire?” Gaius softly called from behind the door, in case the King was asleep, and Merlin sighed, clearly relieved it was the old man.

“Come in, Gaius” Merlin called for him to enter, softly so as not to wake Arthur yet.

“Good morning, Merlin” Gaius greeted him when he entered the room, and a big smile instantly broke in his face. “So Arthur’s back”

“Yes, though he didn’t arrive until almost dawn” Merlin explained, rolling his eyes fondly at the old man.

“No, I meant... he’s really back” Gaius pointed out, his hands gesturing to the fact Arthur’s head was on Merlin’s lap and there was a hand strongly holding Merlin’s thigh, as if it was indeed a pillow.

“Yes, he is” Merlin nodded, happiness written all over his face, understanding what Gaius meant.

“I don’t know what you did, but he has a much better colour than the last time I saw him. His expression looks much more peaceful too”

“I didn’t do anything, really. I guess he just was able to forgive and forget, and could finally let go of all that anger and disappointment”

“How is he doing?”

“He broke a couple of stitches and I think he was in some kind of fight, but nothing too serious”

“Do you want me to take a look at him?”

“No, I already took care of it. I would rather he slept. He really needs that” Merlin answered, fondly turning his gaze towards Arthur’s angelic face and smiling.

“Alright. Give him my best wishes when he wakes up. Oh, and send for me if you need me” Gaius offered, knowing he wouldn’t hear from the young couple at least until the next day, such would be their need to be together.

“I have one last favour to ask, Gaius. Could you tell Leon that Arthur is still not feeling good enough to meet him? I would like him to rest all day without interruptions, unless he feels up to it”

“Of course, I’ll search for him immediately”

“I will. Thank you, Gaius. For everything” Merlin honestly thanked his mentor, and Gaius could only smile before leaving the room.

Merlin remained unmoving, except for the hand stroking Arthur’s hair, for a couple of hours more. He was surprised he didn’t get tired or bored, but the need to feel close to Arthur, both physically and emotionally, had him glued to the bed and to Arthur’s form. He knew there was still a lot to talk about, a lot of wounds to heal and barriers to break, but he was feeling hopeful. Arthur had told him that he loved him, and if there was something Arthur was, that was honest.

Merlin’s attention was brought to Arthur when he noticed him stretching, trying to get rid of the slumber that had taken grip of him so deeply for the last hours. Merlin didn’t stop the pattern his hand was following on the top of Arthur’s head, and that brought a smile to Arthur’s lips long even before he opened his eyes.

“Morning” Arthur mumbled, his voice still slurred by sleep.

“More like afternoon, almost” Merlin answered with a fond chuckle.

“Really? I guess I really needed the sleep”

“You surely did”

“I still feel like I could sleep for two days straight” Arthur joked, his eyes closing again and his body snuggling closer to Merlin’s thigh, trying to find a more comfortable position.

“I would rather you not, I was starting to feel lonely here” Merlin answered, gently poking Arthur’s waist to tickle him and keep him alert.

Arthur’s response was only a little laugh, still feeling too dense for words, but he didn’t want to take the risk of falling asleep again –feeling guilty Merlin had been guarding his sleep all the time– and he quickly sat up to rest his back on the headboard, next to his lover. A bit too quickly, apparently, judging by the hiss that escaped his lips when his tender wound protested at the movement.

“Careful” Merlin gently reprimanded him, and he was quick to put his arm around Arthur’s shoulder and let him rest against his side.

“I was feeling so good I had forgotten about the wound” Arthur confessed, resting his head on Merlin’s shoulder, glad of the intimacy their half-embrace gave them.

“Well, I’m not going to let you forget about it from now on” Merlin warned him with a smile, that Arthur reciprocated instantly. “Do you want to eat something? You should definitely try. You need your strength, I know you’ve been hardly eating for the past few days”

“In a while” Arthur answered, almost purring from pleasure when Merlin’s hand caressed the back of his neck. “I’d just like to stay like this for a while”

“Like this?”

“With you. Your arm around me. Keeping me from harm” Arthur answered, and then he buried his face on Merlin’s neck, apparently embarrassed about his own display of emotion.

Merlin felt his heart melting at Arthur’s words, at the absolute trust the young King was showing him again, so he squeezed him more strongly to his chest. How could he have been so blind? He wished he had been honest with his lover from the beginning, and that Arthur’s knowledge about his magic had come from his own words. But he knew there was no point in continuing regretting it. Even if he couldn’t change the past, at least they had put that behind them.

“So you wanted to tell me something” Arthur murmured after a few minutes, breaking the comfortable silence they had been sharing.

“Sorry?” Merlin asked, confused.

“Yesterday you said you had something to tell me”

“Oh, yes” Merlin answered, nodding as he remembered. “I don’t know how to make you understand this, especially when it’s so difficult even for me”

“Merlin, if this is about what happened again...” Arthur tried to dismiss him, not feeling the need for more explanations, but Merlin really needed to speak.

“Arthur, I need to tell you this. Gaius told me yesterday that you might talk about me with the knights. And I told him that you would never expose me like that in a heartbeat. I didn’t think, yet I had no doubt about it. What I mean is... I’ve always trusted you, Arthur. I’ve always known you would never do something that could hurt me”

“Really?” Arthur asked, lifting his head from Merlin’s shoulder to look at him.

“Yes. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it sooner, but deep down I was certain you would never hurt me. I’ve trusted you all along, I just... didn’t know it”

“But you know now?” Arthur asked, his eyes full of hope.

“Yes, I certainly do. And I will never doubt you again” Merlin promised, throwing both his arms around Arthur in a strong embrace, feeling the latter’s arms going around him too. He squeezed him even more powerfully, feeling a rush of affection towards the beautiful person in his arms, until Arthur hissed and he immediately loosened the embrace –although he kept one arm around his shoulders again. “I’m sorry, love. Did I hurt you?”

“It’s just... I think I got a bruise on my back from when...” Arthur started explaining, but then stopped himself.

“What?” Merlin urged him.

“This guy broke a chair on my back” Arthur mumbled, mortified about his little escapade from the day before.

“So... you’ve been fighting?” Merlin asked, not liking the thought of Arthur being so angry so as to be looking for a fight but not blaming him either.

“Yes” Arthur admitted, obviously embarrassed. “I know it sounds lame, but I needed to get rid of my frustrations somehow. The booze was not enough, and I felt so angry...  And the physical pain was useful too, it made me numb so I wouldn’t feel anything else. I had to ride a long way to find a tavern where I wouldn’t be recognised”

“You should have come to me with your feelings” Merlin gently reprimanded him. “You’re still wounded, remember?”

“What did people say about my disappearance?” Arthur changed subjects, still too embarrassed about his behaviour.

“No one knows. I covered for you”

“You did?” Arthur asked in surprise. Even being at odds, he could trust Merlin to not leave him in the lurch.

“Of course. You didn’t need any more problems on top of everything. Only Gaius knew”

“I made a fool of myself, didn’t I? You must be so disappointed at me right now...” Arthur lamented, resting his head again on Merlin’s shoulder so he didn’t get to see the disappointment in his eyes.

“No, Arthur. Not at all” Merlin surprised Arthur with his gentleness. “I’ll never think less of you for showing your weaknesses to me. In fact, it makes me admire you even more. You’re my hero”

“You don’t a need a hero. You have magic” Arthur answered, and now it was Merlin’s turn to be surprised at the admiration he noted on Arthur’s voice. “You are more powerful than anybody I’ve ever known”

“My magic doesn’t mean anything if I don’t have you to use it for” Merlin explained, honestly. Ever since he had arrived to Camelot, helping Arthur had been his main goal in life.

“You mean it” Arthur affirmed, not questioning it.

“Of course I do” Merlin answered with a smile, all the while caressing Arthur’s cheek with his knuckles. “And now enough with the talking. I’m getting you some food and you’re going to eat it”

“Only if you eat with me” Arthur answered to his back, as Merlin was already almost to the door.

“Deal” he said, turning around only for a second to smile at his lover. How good it felt  to call him his lover again, Merlin though, as he happily made his way towards the kitchen.

**********

As promised, Merlin came back with a huge tray, full of all kinds of food. Both Merlin and the kind cook were hoping the King would finally start having an appetite, so they had accorded to offer him all kinds of different delicatessen, hoping something would spark his interest.

And it did. Feeling content and stronger than before, he felt like he hadn’t eaten in days –which was practically true– and he soon started devouring everything within his reach, although making sure Merlin would have his fill too.

“I’m glad to see you like this” Merlin commented, smiling.

“How? Eating like a pig?” Arthur joked, his mouth full of his favourite pie.

“No” Merlin chuckled. “Just... eating”

“And I also slept” Arthur reminded him, cleaning his mouth with a napkin once he was finished.

“You did. Have you finally decided to be a model patient? ‘Cause I could get used to it”

“Don’t make your hopes up, by tomorrow I’ll be that dreadful patient you love so much”

“Oh, right” Merlin chuckled, knowing he was right. “So what do you want to do? Do you want to have a bath? Go for a ride? I hope not, I don’t think you should be moving that much” Merlin babbled, as he used to do every now and then. “Maybe a walk around the castle? I could get some clothes ready for you, if you...”

“Merlin” Arthur gently interrupted him.

“Yes, sir?” Merlin stopped. He never realised he was prattling until someone –usually his lover– put an end to it.

“Can you just...?”

“Shut up?”

“Yeah”

“I’m sorry” Merlin answered, making both of them giggle kind of stupidly. “So what do you want to do?”

“I wonder if we could...?” Arthur started shily.

“Yes?”

“Can we spend the rest of the day like this?”

“Like what?”

“Just... lazing around, lying in bed... being together”

“Of course. I’ll be happy with whatever you want. Especially this” Merlin answered honestly.

“I think it’s just what we need” Arthur added, not really referring to his physical health.

“You may be right. At least this way I can be sure you’re taking it easy. I swear half the time you would need a babysitter to make sure you don’t overdo it”

“Very funny” Arthur protested, although half grin broke on his lips at his partner’s words.

“Cuddling?” Merlin suggested.

“Yes, please” Arthur eagerly accepted.

Merlin chuckled and hurried to put the tray out of their way. He took his time to bolt the door, not wanting to be interrupted or found in the King’s bed, in case someone decided to enter the room without knocking –although he knew he was probably the only one who ever did that.

He came back to the bed and took off his shirt. He needed the contact with Arthur’s skin, after all this time, so he got in the bed and laid on his back, motioning for Arthur to curl against him and rest his head on his chest, which Arthur obediently did. Merlin threw his arm around Arthur’s side and squeezed him strongly to him, marvelling at the butterflies fluttering in his stomach, as if it was the first time he got to hold his lover this way. It was kind of the first time, after all, considering he had lost him and had just got him back.

His hand started going up and down Arthur’s side, comforting him and tickling him in equal parts, and Arthur’s hand did the same on his chest. It was bliss, Merlin though, and he knew he wouldn’t have been able to live without Arthur had he not forgiven him. In spite the blissful respite, though, there was something nagging on the back of his mind: he knew Arthur had forgiven him completely for lying to him, but they hadn’t exactly discussed the fact that Merlin had magic. Would Arthur be really alright with it? Hadn’t he thought about it thoroughly?

“Arthur?” he whispered, bringing his caresses to Arthur’s head to get his attention.

“Mmm?” Arthur groaned drowsily.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course”

“Did you mean it? When you said you would have accepted my magic as something good because it was coming from me, did you mean it?” Merlin held his breath, waiting for Arthur’s answer.

“I did” Arthur answered with no hesitation.

“Then... you’re alright with it?”

“Well... I’ve got a lot of questions, and you have a lot of explaining to do, but... yeah, it’s fine. It’s... good, actually. It just makes you all the more special” Arthur explained with a dreamy smile.

“Really?” Merlin couldn’t almost believe his ears.

“Yeah. I know I’ve been raised to hate magic, as you said, but... I don’t know. You know I’ve had my doubts about it before”

“Yeah, I know” Merlin agreed, remembering several times Arthur had doubted his father’s beliefs concerning magic.

“And now you have it, I know it can’t be bad. It’s like a sword: I try to use it only for good, but in the wrong hands...”

“I’m so happy you feel like this about my magic” Merlin confessed, resting a kiss on the top of Arthur’s head. “I never imagined it would be this easy. I regret not telling you sooner so much...”

“Merlin, I thought we said it was all behind us...”

“Yes, you’re right. I just... I feel my heart is about to burst, I love you so much...”

“I love you too. So much... there isn’t anything I don’t love about you, and if magic is a part of you... then it’s good, I’ll love it too. Just as long as you don’t use it against me” Arthur joked in the end, hoping to ease a little of the tension the topic of magic still brought.

“You know I wouldn’t” Merlin answered, a little too seriously.

“Of course I know. But I’ll have to get used to all that power in you”

“I’m the same I’ve ever been” Merlin assured the King.

“Except much more powerful. Do you want me to confess something to you?”

“Of course”

“It wasn’t the most important thing at all, but you kind of hurt my pride too”

“How?” Merlin asked in surprise, relieved by the fact Arthur didn’t seem to be upset anymore about whatever he was going to say.

“Well, apparently the few things I thought I had achieved and I was proud of were only your doing”

“That’s not true” Merlin immediately responded, cupping Arthur’s cheeks to force him to look at him.

“Merlin, I know now. And you’ve probably saved my butt more times than I can count. That didn’t make me feel too good, you know. I always thought I was the one protecting you from harm, when it was always the other way around”

“No, Arthur. We protect each other. The fact I have magic doesn’t change all the times you’ve been there to keep me from any harm. I’m not invincible”

“But you know what? Now I’ve had time to think about it, it feels good to know there’s someone who is always going to try and protect me, someone I can show my weaknesses, as you said, and is going to still be there, because he doesn’t expect me to always be the one who has to be strong”

“I’m always going to be there for you” Merlin promised. “As I know you are for me”

“It feels good to feel protected for once” Arthur confessed, once again resting his head on Merlin’s shoulder and strengthening his embrace around the warlock’s waist”

“It feels good to make you feel like that” Merlin answered, happy to know his power could make Arthur feel that way.

“With my father... I loved him and I know he loved me too but... well, you know how he was. He always expected me to take care of myself, even when I was very little. If it hadn’t been for Gaius...” Arthur explained, his voice faltering in the end.

“You have me now” Merlin interrupted him, not wanting for him to think of anything that would dampen his spirits. Not when they were feeling this happy together. “You’re never going to feel lonely and uncared again, I promise you that”

“Nor you”

“I know that, Arthur. I never doubted you for a second” Merlin answered, completely honest this time, as he laid down on the bed and brought Arthur down with him. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'm sorry it took me soooo long, but well, it's been some crazy weeks at work and I haven't had the time to write! To compensate, here's a reaaaally long chapter, hope you like it!

“Are you sure you’re really up to it?” Merlin asked for what it felt like the hundredth time as he carefully helped Arthur put on his shirt.

“Merlin, it’s just a little walk to the council room, I think I can make it” Arthur assured him, though the little grunt of pain that escaped his throat when he stood up belied his words.

“I’m sure they can do one more day without you”

“I’m sure they can, I trust Leon with my life and I’m sure he’s being doing a wonderful job with keeping Camelot together. But it’s not that: I can’t keep avoiding my duties as a King. My people would stop trusting and believing in me, and I don’t need that”

“They know you’ve been hurt” Merlin insisted, placing a hand on his shoulder in a unconscious gesture to keep him in place.

“But I’m doing better. I’m not going on a mission, nor even training with the knights. I’m just going to sit on a chair and listen. I guess I can do that, don’t you think?” Arthur asked with an ironic grin.

“Alright, but you have to promise me you’ll come back immediately if you start feeling poorly”

“I promise. And now, please, may I go rule my country?”

“Don’t be such a prat” Merlin admonished him with a smile and a little push to the door. “I’m going to stand right next to you all the time, though, watching you, I hope you realise that”

“As if I had any doubt...” Arthur replied, giving Merlin a quick peck on the lips before letting himself be pushed to the door.

**********

“I think I speak in everyone’s behalf when I say we are very glad to see you’re doing better, Sire” Leon spoke once in the council room, and Arthur had to fight the smile that threatened to break in his lips at Leon’s absurd formality every time they were in a more official situation, like if they weren’t best friends in their private life.

“Thank you, sir Leon” Arthur responded, equally formal –though the knight could see he was mocking him by the wink of his eye he discreetly send his way. “Now please have a seat and tell me everything that has been going on during my convalescence”

“Are you sure you’re up to it? We could go through it tomorrow”

“Not you too, Leon!” Arthur groaned, forgetting for a moment he was not alone with his friends and his lover. “Merlin already tried to stop me from leaving the bed”

“When I went to wake him up this morning” Merlin added, not wanting for anybody to think he had spent the night in the King’s chambers, even if it was true.

“Of course, that’s what I meant” Arthur agreed, his face going to a deep shade of red that fortunately only Leon understood, who had to cough to hide the little chuckle the situation elicited from him.

“What a loyal servant you are, Merlin, always worrying about the King so much” one of the oldest advisors innocently added, and this time even Merlin blushed.

“It’s my duty” he answered in a soft voice, looking at the floor to avoid any eye contact with anybody in the room.

“Well, Sire, if you’re sure you’re up to it...” Leon decided to intervene to help his friends, before it was too late and they clumsily spilled the beans about their relationship, “we should talk about the war with Essetir”

“Of course. I assume we haven’t had any news from Cenred while I was wounded” Arthur said.

“No, we didn’t” Leon answered. “We haven’t had any indication of rendition from them, even if we know their army was too weakened on the battle to properly continue with the war. Nor any indication of another imminent attack, of course”

“Maybe... maybe they still think they can fight us”

“They can’t, we made sure of that when we ambushed before they were aware of it, your idea was very effective”

“Unless...” Merlin started before he could stop himself, but he shut up when he realised it was not a servant’s place to talk in a council. Of course Arthur was having none of that, as he valued Merlin’s opinion above everyone else’s.

“Unless what, Merlin?” he asked kindly, showing him how much he wanted to hear what he had to say.

“Unless they are counting on some external help” Merlin explained, moving from his place behind Arthur’s chair to stand next to him.

“Morgana?” Arthur asked, the sudden loss of colour on his face having nothing to do with his injury, and Merlin just nodded, discreetly putting a hand on Arthur’s shoulder to squeeze it reassuringly.

“Cenred has shown his lack of honour in battle before” Leon explained, acknowledging Merlin’s appreciation of the situation. “It wouldn’t be that much of a surprise”

“Well, I don’t think there’s nothing for us to do except wait for their next movement. If we go to Essetir, I have a feeling they will be waiting for us and will take advantage of their position and their fortress to weaken our forces”

“So what do you think we should do?” Leon asked.

“The only thing we can do is to wait and to hope for their rendition. In the meantime, we’ll have our whole army ready, as many men as we can get, and increase the training sessions of the knights until we have to fight. I’ll start supervising them again from tomorrow”

“But Sire, you’re far from healed yet” Merlin shyly interrupted, hoping not to sound too disrespectful to the ears of the older councillors.

“I know, Merlin, but there is nothing I can do. I’ll be careful, I promise” Arthur answered with a small smile, a little too kindly, but none of the people in the room seemed to notice, worrying as they were about more important matters.

They spent a couple of hours discussing the details of the preparation of the second battle against Essetir, if it was to happen. After that, everyone could see Arthur was getting weary, and they insisted for him to rest to the point he had to do what they told him so as not to hear them anymore.

He decided to give a little walk around the citadel, feeling the need of some fresh air after having spent so much time in his room for the past few days. Merlin was quick to follow him, and they slowly walked, feeling grateful for the sun caressing their faces, they talked, and they even held hands whenever they noticed there was no one around.

**********

When night came, Merlin accompanied Arthur to his chambers and didn’t even pretend to ask for permission or even his opinion to stay the night with him. He could clearly see Arthur was completely over everything that had happened between them the previous days, and Merlin wanted nothing more than to go back to the easy normality they had once shared.

“I don’t know about you training again tomorrow...” Merlin confessed as he once again helped Arthur, who by now was pretty much exhausted, out of his clothes.

“Merlin, I said I’d supervise the training sessions again, not that I would be a part of them. I’m not completely stupid, you know” Arthur answered, sitting on one side of the bed and obediently letting Merlin’s expert hands take care of most of the job.

“I don’t know about that, you were fighting only two days ago...” Merlin joked, lifting the bandage on Arthur’s middle to check his wound and smiling satisfied with the state of it.

“Ouch, that was a low punch” Arthur protested, mockingly pouting.

“I’m sorry, love” Merlin answered with a chuckle as he gently pushed Arthur’s upper body towards the bed for him to lie. “Do you need anything?”

“Yeah, the warmth of your body next to mine” Arthur whispered, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness of the room, and Merlin smiled at him before taking his own clothes off and following him under the linens.

They lied on their sides, facing each other, as if somehow they wanted to memorise every detail of the other’s face, or as if they were trying to rediscover what they had come so close to lose.

They shared a comfortable silence for a few minutes, their breathings being the only sound in their room, their fingers entwining and disentwining together in a game only they understood.

 “Do you really think they will attack?” Arthur whispered after a little while. Merlin felt honoured that Arthur would value his opinion so much in matters that only concerned the kingdom, and at the same time he felt sorry for him that always had to be worrying about something.

“I don’t know” Merlin answered with a sigh, in all honesty, even though he didn’t wish anything more than to be able to reassure his King that everything would be alright. “I only know we can’t trust Cenred nor Morgana, so we have to be ready”

“Show me a bit of what you can do” Arthur suddenly asked with a childlike smile on his face, wanting to forget about such serious matters for the night.

“What do you mean?” Merlin asked in confusion at the sudden change of mood. Sometimes Arthur was like a child, going from one thing to the other and expecting everyone else to follow. Thought the truth was Merlin loved that about him.

“About your magic. Show me what you can do” Arthur explained enthusiastically, wanting something to take his mind off of less unpleasant things.

“Are you serious? You want me to do magic right now?”

“Yeah. Would you do that for me?”

“I’d do anything for you, Arthur” Merlin replied in all honesty and then took Arthur’s hand firmly in his and concentrated in that link.

“It feels hot” Arthur murmured a couple of seconds later, mesmerised by the glow that suddenly lit their joined hands.

Merlin didn’t say anything, but smiled at the expectation on his lover. Then he gently parted their hand palms, keeping their fingers entwined, to make room for a little fire to emerge between them. Merlin watched the fire reflected on Arthur’s eyes, big and naive, not missing a detail of what was going on in his own hand. Merlin chuckled at the innocence in Arthur’s expression, empty of neither worry nor sadness, and wished he could see it in him more often. Then Merlin pronounced some strange words that Arthur could not understand and the little fire took the shape of a dragon that flew away from their hands and extinguished after a few seconds.

Arthur was left speechless. He looked at Merlin, wide-eyed with amazement, and then back at his hand, slowly tracing the palm with his other hand.

“It didn’t burn” Arthur said, surprised.

“No” Merlin laughed.

“But... it was a fire”

“It was a magical fire. It was not real, just... some trick” Merlin explained, amused at Arthur’s reaction.

“It was beautiful”

“Thanks” Merlin answered, feeling stupidly proud Arthur valued his magic so much.

In a rush of emotion, Arthur stretched over and kissed Merlin fully in the lips, in a way that make Merlin go weak at his knees. He put his arms around the King and hugged him as he reciprocated the kiss, grateful to see that his magic was so well received. Then he brought Arthur to him, until the blond’s head was resting on his shoulder, and he laid on his back with his arms around his lover and his lips on Arthur’s forehead in an undying kiss.

“Merlin” Arthur whispered, almost afraid to break the silence.

“Hhmm?”

“Can you promise me something?”

“Whatever you need” Merlin murmured against Arthur’s forehead.

“Will you always be honest with me from now on?” Arthur asked, even if he already knew the answer.

“Always, Arthur” Merlin promised in a firm voice, gently lifting Arthur’s face with a finger under his chin to be able to look at his lover’s eyes. “There will be no secrets between us ever again”

“Even if I ask you about things you did and are now in the past?”

Merlin sighed deeply. He knew that moment would arrive: Arthur was bound to have a lot of questions, about silly things and about more important ones, like the one he suspected was about to come.

“Yes, even then. No matter how hard it is for me, you’ll always get the whole truth”

“Alright” Arthur answered with a sad smile as he again rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder, but Merlin could see he was hesitating to ask him something.

“What is it that you want to know, Arthur?” Merlin gently pressed him, not wanting to be anything between them again, however painful might be to speak about.

Arthur chuckled in spite of himself as he lovingly traced an invisible pattern on Merlin’s bare chest with the tip of his fingers.

“You know me too well”

“I do”

“I hope that talent doesn’t come from your magic” he joked, and Merlin laughed wholeheartedly, his heart warming at the fact Arthur could talk and joke about his magic with such en easiness now.

“No, that one only comes from love” Merlin answered, taking Arthur’s hand to his lips to kiss it. “But go ahead, love, ask what you need to ask”

“It’s not easy... for I don’t know if I want to know the answer” Arthur hesitated again, looking at his lover, but Merlin smiled encouragingly at him, so he went on. “When Morgause tricked me into believing my mother was accusing my father of betraying her... It was not a trick, was it? It was really my mother”

“Yes, it was” Merlin confessed after a second, his hand finding its way to Arthur’s hair to gently stroke it.

“Why did you lie to me?” Arthur asked, with no trace of reproach in his voice. He only wanted to know the truth. “You have magic, you understand it. I know you couldn’t have been mistaken”

“First of all, I want you to know that this one was the most difficult lie for me to tell you. It seemed not fair to take your mother away from you once again when you finally got the chance to meet her. But I couldn’t let you kill your father, and there was no other way to stop you”

“Why? Wasn’t it better for you if he died? That would have made everything so much easier for you”

“Yes, but not for you. No matter what he had done, I know you and I know you’d have never forgiven yourself if you’d ended up his life. I lied, yes, but I did it for you. You understand, do you?” Merlin asked, afraid, not sure he was ready to face Arthur’s disappointment at him again.

“Yes, of course I do” Arthur answered, and Merlin visibly sighed in relief. “You were just trying to protect me, as always”

“I just wanted you to be alright”

“I’m glad you did it”

“Thank you, love” Merlin answered, feeling honestly grateful at Arthur’s words.

“That doesn’t make this knowledge about my father any easier to bear, though” Arthur confessed with a hint of sadness in his voice.

“I know” Merlin acknowledged his pain, strengthening his grip on his lover’s body.

“What am I supposed to feel about him now?”

“I don’t know. But think about what your mother told you that time: _“don’t let this knowledge change you”_. Just... think Uther made a mistake. A terrible mistake, I know, but he regretted it for the rest of his life. And he loved you more than anything in the world. That has to mean something”

“Forgiving him feels like... I don’t know...” Arthur stopped himself, but Merlin wanted for him to let it all go.

“Like you were betraying your mother?”

“Yes, in a way”

“I’m sure she’d be glad to know you were able to put it behind you and be happy”

Arthur didn’t answer for a minute, and Merlin wondered what thoughts were going through that head of his. He was glad such an important thing had been cleared between them, but he was afraid of what kind of emotions would it arise in his lover. Anger? Sadness? Hate?

“So I really knew my mother” Arthur broke the silence, this time with a little smile on his face. Merlin felt surprised: he surely wasn’t expecting him to put his doubts about his father behind him so quickly. Arthur had clearly matured so much since he became King.

“Yes, you did” Merlin confirmed, once again caressing the back of his lover’s head while directly looking him in the eye. “And boy, did she love you”

“You think so?” Arthur asked, filled with hope.

“It was visible in every fibre of her body. She was as delighted to meet you as you were. And so proud of you”

“I bet she would love you like crazy too” Arthur answered with a happy smile.

“Me?”

“Of course. If she wanted me to be happy, she would be very grateful to you”

“Grateful?”

“Of course, because you’re the one that makes me happy every day”

“Not as much as you do to me, love” Merlin answered, moved beyond words at Arthur’s honesty.

“I’ll never regret the moment I took the courage to show you how I felt”

“You mean _I_ took the courage to make it happen” Merlin responded, glad for the change of mood towards more silly matters.

“Excuse me? It was thanks to me that we’re together. If I had waited for you to do something, it would have never happened” Arthur explained, resting his chin in Merlin’s chest to look at him and show him his disapproval.

“What are you talking about? I practically had to beg you to give us a chance. It was all my doing, thank you very much”

“I won’t let you take credit for this!” Arthur yelled, mockingly angry. “I made the first move! I kissed you, for pity’s sake!”

“Yes, and you immediately shrunk back!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did! I had to talk some sense into you. It was definitely me who made it happen”

*_*_*_*_*_*

_Arthur sat on the floor and rubbed his hands next to the fire, hoping to bring some circulation into them. It was not that it was so terribly cold: they had spent the day hunting –or trying to, because stupid Merlin was unable to be silent– and they had been alright. They had in fact even made camp in the open, hoping the night wouldn’t get too chilly in those autumn days. But feeling strangely generous for once, Arthur had offered to wash the dishes after supper, and the cold water of the stream had left his hands incredibly numb. Never again would he offer to do the washing up!_

_“Here” Merlin appeared out of nowhere and knelt in front of him, picking his hands between his own and rubbing them vigorously. “Do they feel very cold?”_

_“Quite” he confessed, not usually one to complain about any weakness, but knowing he could take that luxury with his old friend._

_“I knew you were not the right man for that job” Merlin joked, and his smile looked so beautiful under the moonlight that Arthur lent forwards before he knew what he was doing and captured Merlin’s lips in a chaste kiss._

_Merlin was so surprised that he couldn’t react, but before he had time to reciprocate, the warmth of Arthur’s lips on his –that had felt so right, so meant to be– was replaced by a cold emptiness he didn’t like one bit._

_“Merlin... I’m sorry, please forgive me, I...” Arthur mumbled in apology, immediately crawling away from Merlin and turning away so he was giving his back to him, embarrassedly._

_“What are you sorry about?” Merlin asked, surprised, but more because of Arthur’s reaction than for the kiss itself._

_“I shouldn’t have done that, it was terribly wrong of me to impose myself like that, you shouldn’t have to...” Arthur muttered, his back to Merlin, his head almost hidden between his knees, it was so low._

_“Arthur” Merlin lovingly interrupted, a fond smile on his lips that unfortunately Arthur couldn’t see. “Did you see me move away from you?”_

_“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want just because I’m the prince, you have no obligation at all to...”_

_“Arthur, I think you know me enough to know that, prince or not, I would not do something I didn’t want”_

_“Do you mean...?” Arthur dared to hope, though he still didn’t dare to look over his shoulder._

_“Of course I mean that. I want you too” Merlin assured him, crawling to close the distance between them and coming to sit behind Arthur. Emboldened by the security that Arthur reciprocated his feelings, he threw his arms around Arthur’s waist from behind and planted a kiss on the back of his neck. “I’ve wanted you for a long time”_

_And Arthur was still too embarrassed and confused to answer with words, but when he put his hands over the ones holding him around his waist, Merlin knew somehow his deepest dream was coming true._

*_*_*_*_*_*

“I can’t believe we’ve been together every single day after that” Arthur commented, refusing to acknowledge those dreadful days they had been at odds had existed.

“You’re welcome, then” Merlin joked with a proud grin.

“It was thanks to me! I kissed you first!” Arthur contradicted him, giving Merlin a little nudge on his ribs to make a point. “You’re not taking that away from me”

“Let’s call it a draw?”

“No way! That one is mine, you get your own achievements”

“How about... spending every day of my life at your side?” Merlin honestly answered.

“Well, that would be a big achievement, all things considered” Arthur joked, but Merlin was having none of that.

“No joking, Arthur, I mean it. I’m going to be at your side for the rest of my life. I promise you this” Merlin assured him, placing one last kiss on Arthur’s brow, and then he strongly embraced him to his chest and closed his eyes with a happy smile on his face, falling asleep almost immediately.

Arthur stayed awake a while longer, though, not wanting to miss the comfort and the happiness that Merlin’s body around him made him feel.  Not that he didn’t already know that Merlin was going to be there for him forever, but the fact that he had promised it so fervently had made him feel something new and warm in his heart that was making it very difficult for him to stop smiling or for his heart to stop fluttering like crazy. Merlin’s loyalty deserved some gesture in exchange. And when morning came, he was going to make sure Merlin felt his love and his loyalty were reciprocated, as he deserved.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, it's taking me longer and longer to update everytime, I'm so sorry! But here's my New Year's to you, lovely readers, a very long chapter! Have a very very happy new year, and I hope all your wishes come true!

Merlin was waiting for the King to finish getting dressed for the day. The young warlock had already been up and about for some time, helping Gaius with some errands he was needed for, only to find that meanwhile the young King had arranged another meeting with the wise men of the kingdom. Merlin had swiftly made it to Arthur’s chambers to see what it was about.

“I thought you said you’d be supervising the knights’ training today” Merlin asked, patting Arthur’s hands out of the way so he could arrange the collar of his shirt for him, loving the feeling of taking care of his lover as usual. “How come you’ve arranged another council after yesterday’s?”

“I... I just had to speak with my counsellors and knights again” Arthur answered, evasively, obediently staying still for Merlin to take care of him.

“Are there any news from Essetir?” Merlin asked, instantly worried about the ongoing war, while he ran his hands through Arthur’s sleep-ruffled hair to flatten it.

“No”

“Then you’ve changed your mind about our course of action” Merlin insisted, not used to being left outside any of Arthur’s decisions.

“No” Arthur denied again.

“Then what is it?”

“I just... I want to speak to them, that’s all” Arthur dismissed him again, moving away from his grasp and towards the door.

“About?”

“It’s time to go, Merlin, you’ll find out soon enough”

“Does this mean I am invited to it?”

“Weren’t you always?” Arthur turned in amusement.

“Not really, though I came anyway” Merlin joked.

“That’s true. So will you do me the honour of accompanying me?” Arthur asked, mockingly formal, as he stretched his hand for Merlin to take it.

**********

“Don’t bother to sit down” Arthur announced to everyone on the council room once he arrived, Merlin close at his heels. “This won’t take but a minute”

“What is it, milord?” one of the oldest advisors asked, sensing it was not going to be a regular meeting. “We were not expecting another meeting today”

“I have an announcement to make. I would like for you to be the first ones to know, because it’s really a very important matter, though I’m sure the news will swiftly arrive to every single person in Camelot within hours”

Arthur stopped himself for a minute to breathe deeply and to take a look around him. All the eyes in the room, including Merlin’s, were on him. Expectant. Surprised. Arthur knew the surprise would leave room to shock in every single pair of them once he had spoken the words he intended to speak. But nothing could stop him now he had made the decision.

“I... I have chosen a partner to share my life” Arthur solemnly announced, and Merlin almost chocked on his own saliva at that. What the hell did that mean? Had Arthur finally stopped following his heart and had decided to sacrifice his happiness for the sake of the kingdom? Had he found a princess or a noble girl to marry and hadn’t had the courage to say anything to him?

“That’s magnificent, milord. Do we know the lady?” one of the oldest advisors asked.

“Will it be an strategic commitment?” another one said.

“Yes, you know the  _person_  I love and no, I’m not choosing  _them_  for the Kingdom’s interest. I want to be with that person because I love them with all my heart” Merlin noticed how Arthur avoided using the words “lady” or “her”, and he didn’t dare to hope that meant what he thought it meant.

“Well, who is it?”

“It’s Merlin” Arthur announced with no hesitation or shame in his voice, standing proudly in front of everyone even when he could feel the tension building around him.

Merlin wanted to speak, he wanted to say something, anything, but he found out he couldn’t articulate any word, his shock was so big. If he had been able to notice about his surroundings, though, he would have realised everybody was pretty much in the same state that he was (even Leon and Gaius, and they had already known).

“But...” finally one of the advisors less loyal to Arthur spoke. “He is a man”

“And a servant” another voice joined the first one.

“I don’t see how any of this should be a problem nor anybody’s business” Arthur answered, trying not to sound too defensive.

“How about the fact you won’t be able to produce an heir?”

“There are plenty of noble and good families in the kingdom that could take the throne when the time comes. We’ll cross that bridge when we have to. Right now I only care about spending my life with the person I love and ruling this kingdom the best I can”

“He is still only a serving boy” the old man insisted.

“He’s not just that!” Arthur answered, anger evident in his voice at the man’s obvious disdain for his lover, and Merlin could see how he had to bite his tongue right then and there not to reveal his secret. “He is... much more than what meets the eye, I guarantee you that”

“You can’t be serious, your Majesty”

“I am totally serious. I am very aware of the fact that, although my private life belongs only to me, and now to my partner too” he added with a loving smile towards Merlin, who brightly blushed but responded him with another shaky smile, “I am still King of Camelot and I have a responsibility towards my people. I am as much at your service as you are at mine, so if Camelot doesn’t approve of my relationship with Merlin I’ll respect your decision”

Merlin hissed almost inaudibly at that: what was Arthur implying with that? That if the people of Camelot didn’t want them together he would break his commitment to him? He didn’t think he could live next to Arthur every day knowing he couldn’t have him anymore despite the love they both shared. His mind was in turmoil, thinking about all the different scenarios Arthur words could provoke. He was not ready to the one the King had in mind, though.

“So if that will be the case, I’ll renounce to the throne and Merlin and I will leave and find our own way, if he still wants me then” Arthur announced.

“It won’t come to that, Sire” Leon intervened, without giving anyone else the chance to protest. “I think I speak in the name of everyone when I say you’ve always been a great king to us: just, honest, brave and kindhearted. It would be a poor payment on your goodness to judge your life choices. Whatever makes you happy, your highness, will be alright to the people of Camelot. We wish you both a happy and long life together as the rulers of this kingdom” Leon said.

“It is wrong, don’t you see it?” the man asked to the mean around him, but most of the people assembled there were still too confused to take sides.

“Come on, give those boys a chance to be happy” Gaius stated, wishing nothing more than for the boys he loved as his own sons to live their life as they chose.

“People won’t accept it” the old man persevered, but Leon immediately stopped him.

“No,  _you_  won’t accept it. People love their King, they know how much he’s worked and sacrificed for them all this time, they’ll be happy to know he’s found happiness through love, regardless of whom he’s chosen to love”

“Well, you’re right about something: I can’t accept it”

“Then I suggest you pack your things and go find yourself another place to live with a king more worthy of your respect. Good luck finding it” Leon sarcastically added, not willing to accept any more of his protest.

“You can’t tell me what to do”

“Nor you can tell the King. If you flatly oppose to Arthur’s decision, you’ll have me to answer to. And the rest of the knights too, right?” Leon asked, turning around to look at the faces of the other few knights present in the council, who immediately nodded at him, always ready to help and defend their King and friend.

“Thank you, Leon” Arthur intervened, deeply flattered by his best friend’s loyalty but not wanting things to get too intense. “I’m sure there won’t be any need for that. I’ll leave you now some time to think about it. I understand it was some big news and you need some time to come to terms with it. And it’s time for me to go and supervise the knights training: the war won’t stop because of my personal decisions” he reasoned, and before he headed to the door, he offered a big loving smile and his hand to take to his partner. “Come, Merlin?”

“Of course” Merlin spoke for the first time since the big shock, proudly taking the King’s hand and entwining their fingers together to leave the council room next to the man he loved –as everybody knew already.

**********

“I can’t believe you did that” Merlin said once they reached Arthur’s room so he could get into his chainmail for training.

“I know, I should have asked you first, shouldn’t I?” Arthur lamented, misunderstanding Merlin’s words. “I’m so sorry, I thought this was what you wanted and I only want to make you happy, and I just couldn’t hide it anymore, I needed to let everyone know how…”

“Arthur, stop it, you’re going to hyperventilate” Merlin joked with a fond smile, lovingly placing his hand on Arthur’s cheek to stop him and get his attention. “What I meant is this is so wonderful I almost can’t believe it’s true”

“Really?”

“Of course” Merlin laughed, wholeheartedly. “All I’ve ever wanted was to share my love for you with the world. And it’s come true. I don’t have to hide anymore how much I love you and I can be at your side whenever you need me”

“You’ve always been, secretly or not” Arthur answered, gratefully.

“But now everybody will now I’m there because I choose to, not because it’s my duty as your servant. Maybe it sounds possessive, but I love the fact everybody gets to know you’ve chosen me to share your life, that... you are mine, in a way”

“I  _am_  yours. I’ve chosen you as you’ve chosen me. We’re equals on this, Merlin”

“You’re still the King” Merlin joked, fondly stroking Arthur’s cheek with his knuckles.

“As you will be, if…” Arthur shyly started, but Merlin could see he was too embarrassed to continue.

“If?” he tried to encourage him.

“You know, if…” Arthur started again, but his voice faltered once more.

“Yes, Arthur” Merlin answered, even if he hadn’t really heard the question on Arthur’s lips, before an enormous smile broke on his beautiful lips.

“What?” Arthur asked, confused, still surprised Merlin could read him so well.

“Yes, of course I’ll marry you” Merlin laughed, encircling Arthur’s body with his arms and squeezing him lovingly to his chest. “Haven’t you understood yet you’re my everything? There’s nothing I would like more than to become your husband”

“You won’t be able to escape then” Arthur joked, relieved beyond measure at Merlin’s affirmative answer, and he reciprocated the hug with force.

“That’s the idea” Merlin answered with a kiss to the side of Arthur’s neck.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door and they reluctantly extricated themselves from each other’s arms, although their big smiles never disappeared.

“May I, sire?” Leon politely asked as he opened the door and poked his head round it.

“Yes, Leon, of course” Arthur willingly invited his friend in.

“I came to ask you if the training still stands”

“Yes, I’ll be there as soon as I get ready”

“Alright then, I’ll get the men ready” Leon responded with a nod, but he was stopped by a hand on his arm before he could turn towards the door again.

“Wait a second, Leon” Arthur asked him, all formalities aside. “I wanted to thank you for what you did out there”

“I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, Arthur”

“That’s what I wanted to thank you for. You’ve always been such a good friend, such a support for me, even long before Merlin came to Camelot. You always support me unconditionally, even when you think I’m wrong. And now you’ve shown me once again why you are the best friend a man could have”

“Arthur, I... you are my best friend. I just want you to be happy. And I know Merlin makes you incredibly happy, so how could I be anything less than supportive with this?”

Too moved for words, Arthur followed his instincts and he put his arms around Leon in a grateful and honest hug. Leon was initially a bit surprised: even though he considered Arthur his best friend, they hardly ever exchanged affectionate gestures like that. But then he forgot about titles and formalities and reciprocated the sincere embrace of his friend.

“Thank you” Arthur whispered, not wanting to risk his voice breaking with emotion, and he was thankful to feel Merlin’s hand in the small of his back in comfort.

“Anytime, Arthur” Leon whispered back, and when the embrace broke he turned around, embarrassedly, without any further words and left, not without suspiciously sniffling a couple of times.

“You okay?” Merlin asked once they were alone when he noticed Arthur’s lack of reaction, but the smile that broke on his face once again gave Merlin the answer he was looking for.

“Better than ever” Arthur confessed in all honesty, turning to his lover to place a quick peck on his lips.

“Come on, they must be waiting for you” Merlin ordered with a grin, slapping Arthur’s rear to get him into motion.

“Wait a second, I’ve got to put on my chainmail”

“I thought you were only going to supervise the training, not take part in it”

“That’s right”

“Then why do you need your chainmail for?” Merlin asked, as if it was the most stupid thing in the world.

“Well, I may need to make a few moves to show the younger knights”

“No way, I’m not letting you”

“Since when do you get to be so bossy?” Arthur asked in mocking annoyance.

“Since I’m your official partner. And your fiancé”

“I like the sound of that” Arthur said with a dreamy smile, just before he tried to ignore Merlin’s request and took the chainmail into his hands to put it over his head.

“You won’t like it so much when you realise I’m serious when I give you an order” Merlin answered, taking the chainmail out of Arthur’s hands.

“Can I put it on if I swear not to train at all? At least I should dress like a knight, even if I am not allowed to act like one”

“No. You’re not wearing it just for that, you know the wound it’s still tender. I’d prefer if you let it heal properly first before you put that kind of weight over it”

“I don’t look like a knight like this” Arthur signalled at his plain shirt, pouting, and Merlin had to fight his urges to smile and smack the back of his head because of his childish antics.

“You look beautiful like this” he tried to convince him, and was regarded with a small smile from his lover.

“I don’t think the other knights are going to agree”

“Well, that’s their problem. But seriously, Arthur. Don’t be foolish again, ok?” Merlin asked, giving Arthur the puppy look he knew his lover couldn’t resist.

“Alright, you win” Arthur answered with a big martyr sigh and moved to leave the room, only to be stopped by Merlin, suddenly more serious than just a second ago.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure” Arthur assured him, taking Merlin’s hand to hold it between both of his.

“Why did you stop yourself from telling them about my magic?” Merlin directly asked, not being one to beat about the bushes.

“It was not the right moment”

“Are you ashamed of my magic?” Merlin asked, almost afraid to know the answer. “Is that why you didn’t say anything about it?”

“What? No! Merlin, how can you think that?”

“I don’t know, you throw such a bomb to the people as our relationship, but you don’t mention that I’m a sorcerer, even when I could tell you wanted to tell them”

“I intend to do it, and to put you in the place you deserve, I promise you that” Arthur replied, and Merlin knew he was telling the truth.

“Then why to wait?”

“Because...” Arthur stopped himself, not wanting to talk about it in such a joyful day, although he could sense Merlin was not going to let it go.

“What is it, Arthur?” Merlin kindly asked, cupping Arthur’s cheek with his free hand.

“I can’t have Morgana knowing about you yet” Arthur finally confessed, his gaze fixed on the floor.

“Are you worried about me? Is that it?” Merlin asked, lovingly lifting Arthur’s face to look at him with a finger under his chin.

“Yes. If she finds out about your magic, who know what she will be capable of? He despises you far enough without knowing it, I don’t want her coming to get you”

“I can fight Morgana”

“I don’t want you to. At least not on your own. You can fight her as a part of our army if you want, I know I can’t stop you, but...”

“I think I’m more powerful than her, I could beat her”

“Merlin, you’re not invincible, you told me that yourself once”

“I know, but…”        

“I don’t want to risk it. I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you”

“Isn’t that a little selfish of you? How many times have I had to see you go and fight your battles?”

“And weren’t you at my side making sure I made it out of them? It’s not exactly as you had to watch from a distance and hope for nothing to happen to me”

“Alright, that is true, but still… If there is something I can do…”

“No, Merlin” Arthur insisted, and Merlin was appalled to notice some unshed tears in his King’s eyes.

“Arthur” he whispered, rushing to grab both Arthur’s hands in his. “What is it?”

“I can’t lose you, Merlin” Arthur answered in a broken voice, and Merlin knew instantly that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to get rid of the sadness he could now see in his lover’s eyes. “Not you. Especially knowing it was my fault, ‘cause it’s me Morgana is going after”

“You won’t lose me, and none of this is your fault”

“I don’t want to risk it. Please, promise me you won’t fight her on your own”

“But Arthur, if there is anything I can do to keep you safe, I…”

“Merlin, please” Arthur insisted, furiously removing from his cheek a lonely tear that has escaped his eye.

That was all the encouragement Merlin needed to yield to Arthur’s whishes. Even before they had been together, Merlin hadn’t been that good obeying orders, even if they came from the prince. But what Arthur had never achieved with authority, he did it with his emotion, for Merlin was incapable of denying him anything when he could see such sorrow in his eyes. He swiftly threw his arms around his lover and squeezed him strongly against his own chest.

“I promise, Arthur. We’ll defeat her together”

“That’s all I ask” Arthur whispered, letting himself be comforted in his lover arms.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry once again it took me so long to write a new chapter... 
> 
> And oh, by the way, this is coming to an end! Only a couple of chapters more!

Arthur sighed as he finally reached his room after a strenuous day and heavily sat on his bed. It had been the first day he had actively taken part in the knights training since his injury, many days ago, and he still wasn’t a hundred per cent fit for it (he might still feeling a bit weak, judging by the general pain in his body). And on top of it, Merlin hadn’t been with him that day at all, helping Gaius as he was in restocking every possible remedy they could need if the war finally took place, even if everything had remained quiet and peaceful since that dreadful battle in the woods.

Arthur thought he would probably have to undress, or have dinner, or have a bath, or something, but he still hadn’t mustered the energy to do so when he heard the characteristic sound of his chamber’s door opening and a big smile broke on his lips, as he knew only one person would enter the room without knocking.

“Love?” Merlin make his presence known as he poked his head round the door. “Are you hungry? I brought you some dinner”

“Merlin, you don’t have to do that, you’re not my servant anymore” Arthur fondly admonished him, even though he let himself be engulfed in a quick hug when Merlin walked to him, to which Arthur responded capturing Merlin’s lips in a grateful kiss.

“Well, someone has to do it” Merlin answered while his knuckles gently caressed Arthur’s cheek, once the kiss broke, carefully looking for any signs of distress. “You must be tired after your first training session”

“I am. I am not that fit after so many days without being able to train” Arthur confessed, patting the bed as an offer for Merlin to sit at his side.

“May I help you out of your armour?” Merlin offered.

“I think I’ll have dinner first, I’m starving” now he had smelled what Merlin had brought, his stomach was starting to demand his attention.

“You sure you don’t want to get comfortable first?” Merlin insisted, holding onto Arthur’s arm to avoid him moving from the bed.

“Any reason you’re in such a hurry for me to take my armour off?” Arthur asked in suspicion.

“No, maybe… maybe I just want to see your nice body” Merlin answered mischievously.

“Or maybe you just want to check on my wound”

“Yeah, maybe that too” Merlin confessed embarrassedly.

“Merlin, honestly, I’ve been the model patient for an entire week. You promised you’d stop fussing over it if I behaved for a week, and I did. I haven’t even been training with my men until today!”

“I know, and I know I promised, but I just can’t help it. It’s the first time you’ve put the armour over it and I want to make sure it didn’t make any harm”

“How could it make any harm when the wound is almost completely healed?”

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that…”

“What?” Arthur encouraged him to continue.

“You were so bad off for a while, I…” Merlin’s voice faltered, remembering how close he had come to lose his lover to his wound.

“I know you worry about me, Merlin, and I appreciate it, more than you could ever know. I love you even more for it. But I’m alright now. You don’t need to worry anymore”

“I’ll try” Merlin promised, and closed his eyes for a second to let Arthur lovingly kiss his eyelid.

“So dinner, right?” Arthur asked, changing the subject to try and lighten the mood in the room, as he walked to the table to see what there was on the tray Merlin had brought. “This is a lot of food just for me, isn’t it?”

“Well, I was hoping for a romantic dinner with my betrothed”

“Looks like a wonderful idea” Arthur agreed, moving a chair a bit away from the table as an invitation for Merlin to sit on it.

Merlin immediately complied with a smile and Arthur ignored his usual place at the head of the table to sit directly in front of Merlin, which made Merlin smile even further. Ever since they had got engaged, Arthur didn’t miss a chance to demonstrate they were equals in their relationship, to show Merlin he didn’t want to be more than him in any way, and the fact Arthur loved him so much made Merlin’s heart want to burst with happiness.

“We do need a new servant” Arthur insisted once they had started to eat.

“I don’t know… I’d rather do it myself. Look what happened with your last one”

“What happened?”

“You fell in love with him”

“Merlin, I would never…” Arthur justified himself.

“Arthur, I’m only joking” Merlin answered with a chuckle. “I know you’d never betray me. I trust you, remember?”

“Then you’ll let me get another servant?”

“I still don’t know” Merlin replied, honestly this time.

“Why?”

“Because… I like taking care of you”

“Well, I won’t take that privilege from you, whenever you feel like it, ‘cause I happen to like it too. But still…”

“I know, I’m your betrothed now, I guess my duties will have to change”

“Exactly. Especially when the day comes we can let everyone know about your magic” Arthur insisted, and winked his eye at Merlin.

“Sire!” Elyan suddenly busted into the room, instantly alerting Arthur something was not right, as he would never invade his chambers like that without a good excuse.

“What is it, Elyan?” Arthur asked, already on his feet, dinner forgotten.

“We are under attack. They are within the city walls” Elyan explained in a rush.

“Essetir?” Arthur asked.

“It looks like so”

“Get the people in the safety of the castle as quickly as you can” Arthur ordered, hurrying across the room to get his sword.

“Yes, sire” Elyan obeyed, quickly leaving the room again to comply with his mission.

“I’ll get the whole army” Arthur said, more to himself than anyone else as he all but ran to the door, until a hand to his forearm stopped him.

“Arthur, I want to fight too” Merlin demanded, not leaving much room to a denial, and even Arthur could see that.

“I know, Merlin” he agreed, reluctantly. “You don’t need my permission”

“I want it” Merlin assured him, remembering and respecting his promise from only a few days ago about not fighting on his own.

“Then you have it. Just… be safe” Arthur implored, capturing Merlin’s lips in a desperate kiss.

“Likewise” Merlin answered, leaning his head forward so their foreheads touched for a second.

“We’ll take care of each other, as you once said”

“Deal” Merlin promised, as he once again kissed Arthur’s lips and took another sword from the table.

They only wasted a second to look at each other’s eyes for a second, a promise to try and stay safe for the sake of the other one in both pairs of them, and then they started running towards the entrance of the castle. The future of Camelot was in their hands.

**********

“Sire” Leon run to Arthur as soon as the latter arrived to the citadel, where Essetir’s troupes were already fighting Camelot’s knights and trying to advance. “The lower town is lost”

“How could this happen? We were on alert, we were expecting them!”

“All our men guarding the doors, both of the city walls and the citadel, have been killed, and there is evidence of magic. They had help”

Arthur sighed, the burden he always carried on his shoulders and heart about the security of Camelot getting heavier by the minute. So Morgana was behind the attack, after all. How much hate could she harbour in her heart? Hadn’t they grown together as siblings, loving each other, even if they didn’t know they were blood related? Why did she hated him so much now?

A hand curling on his shoulder in silent support brought him back to reality. He turned his head to the side to get his strength from the love he could sense in Merlin’s eyes, and he nodded confidently before he took up his sword strongly and run towards the battle.

Merlin wondered for a second what a better course of action he could take: he couldn’t do anything against the whole army of Essetir, nothing that would spare Camelot’s knights and the people still trying to escape from the same fate. He could only fight one man and a time, like everybody else, and hope it would be enough. What he wasn’t able to do with his sword, he would do with his magic. And he would try to keep an eye on Arthur meanwhile, and be sure to keep him out from any danger. He could still see him, fighting like the wonderful knight he was, and he seemed to have the situation under control. It was time for him to make a difference, so he ran into the battle too and started fighting like everyone else.

Arthur was fighting like a lion, all the tiredness and the pain from his previous training completely forgotten. He was killing adversary after adversary, most of them not really a match for him, when suddenly he felt an invisible force around his neck holding him against his will, keeping him from moving, and a familiar voice close to his ear made him shudder.

“Well, dear brother, it looks like we meet again”

“Morgana” Arthur answered while the battle kept going on around them, and Arthur noticed how Morgana was pushing him behind the castle’s stairs so they wouldn’t be seen, and suddenly a blade was being pushed against his throat.

“I think you and I need to talk, don’t we?” Morgana said with a venomous voice.

“I have nothing to say to you, Morgana” Arthur answered, trying to push her away, but once again there was a magical force holding him against the wall.

“Stay still!” Morgana ordered angrily, and Arthur could feel some blood dripping down his throat where Morgana’s dagger had cut on his flesh. “And don’t worry, I’ll do the talking then. Come with me” Morgana ordered him, pushing him away from the battle with her hands this time, but Arthur refused to move.

“I’m not going anywhere with you”

“Oh, but you will” Morgana chuckled as she spoke. “You’ll come with me if you value his life as much as I think you do” Morgana hissed, and it was then than Arthur noticed his sister’s hand pointing at Merlin in the distance, threatening to hurt him in some way as the young wizard had no clue to what was going on.

So his love for Merlin had reached Morgana’s ears already. And she had immediately figured out how to take profit of it. He knew it was suicide to go with her, but with Merlin’s life at stake, there was no other option.

“Well?” Morgana asked with a wicked smile, amused with Arthur’s inner turmoil, and she straightened her arm even more towards Merlin as if getting ready to attack.

“No, stop!” Arthur ordered, putting himself between Morgana’s hand and his lover. “I’ll go with you wherever you ask. Just... don’t hurt him”

“Isn’t this going to be fun?” she laughed, pushing Arthur in front of her, away from the battle and inside a castle she knew too well.

**********

Merlin, oblivious to the fate of his lover, was still trying to fight any Essetir soldier that stood on his way. His skills with a sword weren’t that good, though, and he felt only a little guilty every time he cheated and used a spell to get rid of yet another adversary, managing to keep watching Arthur and making sure he was still okay every couple of minutes.

Suddenly he noticed Gwaine was in grave danger: he was fighting a man, and the latter had managed to make a cut on his forearm and make him lose his weapon. The Essetir soldier was about to strike an unarmed Gwaine, so Merlin pointed at him and threw a spell that sent him flying to the wall behind him.

Gwaine turned around in confusion and saw Merlin, hand still outreached, a flash of golden light in his eyes before they turned into their usual blue.

“Merlin” was all Gwaine could say in his confusion and surprise, and before he could find his voice again, Percival was all over him.

“Are you hurt?” Percival asked, worried about his friend when he saw the blood on his arm.

“Yes, yes, it’s a shallow cut” he answered, his eyes never leaving Merlin’s.

But Merlin had other things to worry about than Gwaine’s discovery. Like Arthur’s welfare, for example. Once again, his eyes searched in the chaos of the battle for that face he knew so well, but this time they weren’t rewarded with the sight of it: there was no sign of Arthur’s golden hair anywhere he looked (he made sure he wasn’t amongst the fallen either), and his heart started beating faster with anxiety. Merlin was sure he had only lost sight of Arthur for a couple of minutes, but it might have been more. The fact was that Arthur was nowhere to be seen, and there was no way for Merlin to know he was alright.

“Percival!” Merlin desperately grabbed Percival’s collar as the latter finished examining Gwaine’s arm. “Have you seen Arthur?”

“He… he was here a second ago, fighting with us” Percival answered, confused, also looking all around him in search of the King.

“Was he alright?” Merlin asked, desperate searching for information.

“Yes, as far as I could see”

“But… where is he now?”

“Merlin, go and find him” Gwaine intervened and looked at Merlin straight in the eye, knowingly.

“What do you mean, _Merlin_? No offense, but as much as he loves him, Merlin can barely fight and it's the security of our King we're talking about. I'll go” Percival volunteered.

“No” Gwaine stopped his friend, grabbing his arm. "Merlin will take much better care of him"

"What are you talking about, Gwaine?" Percival asked, not quite sure he was hearing correctly.

“Trust me. Merlin, go and find our King” Gwaine spoke, with such a confidence in his voice that Percival could do nothing but trust in him.

“Bring him back to us” he added.

“I intend to do so” Merlin promised, nodding at Gwaine in gratitude at his understanding, and ran towards the place he had seen Arthur last.

**********

“Arthur?” Merlin called every now and then while he tried to make a path amongst the many fights taking place at the citadel. Seeing his search was being fruitless, he ran towards the castle’s entrance, thinking maybe for some reason, Arthur might have left the battle. “Arthur!” he called again, though he didn’t receive any answer.

It was then when Merlin noticed a tiny trail of blood in the floor that lead all along the stairs and disappeared behind the entrance. It was not a big thing: only a few drops every now and then. But still Merlin’s heart felt like it was being crushed in the inside of a fist: Arthur may not be seriously injured yet, but he was still bleeding. And somehow he knew he was being forced away from battle and away from his protection. And Merlin could only think of a person capable of doing that.

His heart in his throat, almost unable to breathe, Merlin ran up the stairs as fast as his feet would carry him, all along the blood trail on the floor, hoping against hope he wouldn’t be too late and the love of his life was still alive.

“Arthur!” he yelled at the top of his lungs as he ran, and his voice had never sounded so desperate before.


	21. Chapter 21

“Well, you have me where you wanted” Arthur said as soon as he noticed how Morgana had taken him to the throne room. “Do whatever you want with me and let’s finish with this”

“And miss all the fun? No way, dear brother. I want you to see how your kingdom falls. I want you to see how they kneel in front of their queen” Morgana said, her voice so full of venom that Arthur wondered when had she become such a resentful person.

“You already tried to be queen once, Morgana, and nobody in this kingdom supported you. What’s going to be different this time?”

“This time I won’t make the mistake of taking the throne while you’re still alive, while they still have something they feel the need to be loyal to. But I intend to kill you right before their eyes. If you’re not alive anymore, and given you don’t have an heir, and you would never have it with this boy anyway, I’ll be the only one with rights to the crown, won’t I m I not? I am a Pendragon, after all. Even you can see that, as will the rest of the kingdom. They won’t have other choice than to recognize me as their queen”

“Do you really think you will get away with this, Morgana? Even if you kill me, my men will never accept you as their queen”

“Well, that can be easily changed, seeing as I can make them with my magic, can’t it? When I’m finished with their minds, even your pretty little lover will be swearing his allegiance to me”

“You won’t touch him!” Arthur shouted, moved by an irrational anger in the pit of his stomach at the thought of Merlin being threatened. In a quick movement he got his sword from his belt and pointed it at Morgana, but she reacted just in time and with only a flick of her hand he sent him flying towards the wall, which his head hit with force. Stunned, he could only let himself slid to the floor, willing himself to stay conscious as he noticed some blood dripping down the side of his face.

“I’m the queen now, dear brother, you will show me some respect!” Morgana ordered him, as she grabbed him by the neck and forced him to stand up.

“You can kill me now, Morgana, for I will never bow to you”

“You arrogant fool!” she angrily spat at him. “But worry not. I will kill you. If you’re so willing to die, I will grant you this last wish immediately”

Morgana let go of him, but the pressure on his neck didn’t diminish one bit. All the contrary: his breathing was being compromised, he was starting to choke from a pressure in his throat he could not understand. He managed to raise his eyes towards the sorceress, and he noticed she had her arm stretched towards him, her fingers closed in a fist that she kept closing more and more strongly. He wouldn’t resist much longer: he was already feeling lightheaded and white spots had appeared right in front of his eyes. What hurt him the most, though, was the thought that the last thing he saw before he died wouldn’t be the person he loved the most in the world, but the wicked grin on Morgana’s face that indicated how much was she enjoying this.

Just then the door broke open and Merlin ran into the room. For an instant, Morgana must have been surprised, as Arthur was allowed to take a rush of air before the pressure on his throat intensified once again, once she had regained control.

“Merlin, I should have known you wouldn’t let us enjoy this party on our own” Morgana spoke, only slightly irritated at their interruption.

“Arthur!” Merlin shouted as he saw the man he loved being pressed against the wall by an invisible force, blood dripping down his face and clearly chocking. “Let him go right now, Morgana”

“Or what?” Morgana asked with a laugh. “Are you going to stop me?”

“Yes” Merlin answered, surprisingly confident. “I’m warning you”

“You cannot stop me” Morgana answered in disdain, and with a flick of her hand the pressure on Arthur’s throat intensified, eliciting a gaggling sound of him that scared and angered Merlin in equal parts.

“Stop it!” Merlin yelled at the top of his lungs, and his hand threw a spell at Morgana that made her fly across the room before she even realised what was happening.

The grip around Arthur’s grip was immediately gone and he slid down the wall until he was practically lying on the floor, coughing and gasping for air. Merlin ran and knelt next to him in a heartbeat and he helped him to sit up with tender hands on the King’s back, meant to comfort as well as support him until he regained his breath.

“Arthur” Merlin whispered, his voice full of worry and caring, “are you alright?”

Arthur only nodded, still unable to find his voice, and grabbed Merlin’s hand in a strong grip, wanting to feel Merlin’s strength, and Merlin responded by depositing a tender kiss on the top of Arthur’s head.

“Isn’t that sweet?” Morgana suddenly said, making both of them jump in surprise, as they had thought she would be unconscious at the least. “So I guess your hidden love for each other wasn’t the only secret you were keeping. Was it, Merlin?”

“You can see it wasn’t” Merlin answered cheekily, as he stood up to confront her again. He wasn’t scared of her, and he wouldn’t hesitate to do whatever was necessary to protect Arthur. Anything.

“And did you know?” Morgana asked his brother.

“Yes” Arthur answered.

“And he is alright with it” Merlin couldn’t help himself from adding, proud as he was of Arthur and the change he had made towards magic.

“Oh, I’m sure he is. Maybe the fact you’re his lover had anything to do with it” Morgana sarcastically replied.

“It’s not only that. Arthur understands magic now”

“Now does he?”

“He is not Uther”

“It doesn’t change anything. You’ve played your cards well, Merlin. Or should I call you Emrys?” Morgana asked, a cruel smirk plastered on her face. “All this time I knew there was something strange in you, something I couldn’t figure out, but I never imagined you were like me”

“I have magic, Morgana, but I was never like you, and never will be” Merlin answered, eliciting a chuckle from the enchantress.

“Oh, so the almighty Arthur Pendragon has passed on you that feeling of superiority, then. You’re as arrogant as he is. You think you’re better than me”

“It’s not a matter of being better, Morgana. This is just about the choices we make. And I won’t let you get away with any of them” Merlin promised, confidently.

“I never had a choice. I was hated just because of who I was” Morgana explained, and something in her words made Arthur feel some sympathy for her.

“You can choose now, Morgana” Arthur unexpectedly spoke, surprising both Merlin and Morgana. “Things are very different now”

“A little too late for that, isn’t it, dear brother?”

“No, it isn’t. We can still fix this. We can still be brother and sister, like we once were even if we didn’t know”

“Really?” Morgana asked in a hopeful whisper, surprised. “Would you really let me come back to Camelot as your sister?”

“Yes” Arthur answered, making a big effort to get off the ground to which Merlin quickly assisted him and didn’t let go of him until he was sure Arthur could stand on his own. “You’ll always be welcome in Camelot if you stop all this”

“And you’ll forget about all my crimes?” Morgana asked, her eyes full of hope.

“Yes” Arthur quickly answered without the tinniest of doubts.

“That would be… wonderful” Morgana answered, her lips breaking into a smile that quickly turned into a wicked smirk once again. “If it wasn’t for the fact I still hate you, Arthur, and I still want to be queen”

Arthur’s shoulder sagged in disappointment. For a second, he had really thought Morgana, his sister, would come back to him and they would be able to put all that behind them. It was very hard for him to accept how much Morgana hated him.

Merlin felt bad for the emotions he could read in Arthur’s face and body language, but he was more worried about the thread Morgana still represented, so he unconsciously walked a step forwards and put himself between the two siblings, trying to protect Arthur from the madness of Morgana, now they had seen there was no turning back.

“None of your sweet words are going to change anything now. I’m a high priestess, and not even you can stop me, Emrys. You will die at my hands too” Morgana announced, readying herself to attack on Merlin, knowing he was the biggest threat right now.

“No!” Arthur shouted, moving to stand beside Merlin instead of behind him. “You promised not to hurt him if I followed you”

“Are you really that naive, little brother? I’ll do whatever I have to do to take what is mine” Morgana answered with a laugh.

“You take it, the throne is yours, just... let him go” Arthur pleaded, pointedly pushing Merlin towards the door.

“Arthur, don’t” Merlin rebelled, not moving an inch from where he was standing.

“Yeah, I let you both go and you will never try to regain your throne back, I’m sure of that” Morgana sarcastically replied.

“I didn’t ask you to spare me. Just... him. With me gone you’ll have free access to the throne, and not even Merlin can’t stop that, you said so yourself. Please” Arthur honestly pleaded.

“Arthur, what are you talking about? I won’t let you do this” Merlin insisted, grabbing Arthur’s shoulders to shake him into reason.

“Yes, you will”

“I’m not going without you”

“You will do as I say”

“I will fight for you”

“No, you won’t. You promised”

“I don’t care” Merlin answered, shaking his head to reinforce his words. He had never broken a promise to Arthur before, but he was going to do so now if that meant saving his life.

“Enough of that! I want you both dead!” Morgana shouted, and she quickly threw a spell at Merlin. What she hadn’t counted on was that Arthur was an expert and quick fighter, and his reflexes were so fast he was able to jump on Merlin and get him out of the path of the spell just in time. He wasn’t that lucky, though, and the spell still hit him. As he was moving, it only touched him in the shoulder, but it was still enough to hurt and make him fall half on top of Merlin.

“Arthur!” Merlin shouted as he manoeuvred Arthur’s upper body on his lap, terrified the impact would have been fatal, but he was thankfully rewarded with a painful grunt and Arthur’s open eyes looking at him, still alert.

“I never thought I’d see the day Arthur would stop being the selfish prat he’s always been” Morgana joked, and Merlin couldn’t stand it anymore: she had just almost killed Arthur, and she was still joking about it. Merlin knew it was now or never, he knew that as long as Morgana was alive, Arthur would always be in danger. And he couldn’t stand it anymore.

In a quick movement he extricated himself from under Arthur’s body and grabbed the sword still lying next to them and pointed it at Morgana, but he was surprised to hear her laughing.

“I’m a high priestess, no mortal blade can kill me” she laughed, but her grin suddenly left her face when Merlin strongly embedded Arthur’s sword in her body.

“This is no mortal blade. It was forged on a dragon’s breath” Merlin replied, satisfied, and he twisted the blade before pulling it out to make sure she wouldn’t survive the attack. “Goodbye, Morgana”

“Arthur...” Morgana pitifully whispered just before life went out of her eyes and her body fell with a resounding thud on the floor.

Merlin breathed deeply a couple of times, trying to come to terms with what he had just done. He did not regret it in the least: he reasonably knew there was no other way to stop her, and he was only fighting to save his loved one and the kingdom they were supposed to rule together. However, killing someone he had known and cared about in the past hadn’t been easy.

A distressed sob behind him took Merlin out of his stupor, and we he turned around he was appalled to discover the pain and the tears that were filling the King’s eyes. Merlin’s heart started racing in panic, afraid he had done the one thing Arthur would never forgive him for.

“Arthur...” he whispered, but Arthur ignored him as he crawled towards Morgana as well as he could due to his weakened state and sat beside her. Silently he picked her upper body and embraced it against his own chest, unable to contain his sobs.

“Arthur, she was going to kill you, I had to do it” Merlin tried to apologize, confused at Arthur’s reaction.

“Merlin” Arthur spoke between sobs.

“You know we couldn’t just arrest her, she would have found her way out” Merlin insisted.

“Merlin” Arthur insisted, but the warlock was far too worried about Arthur’s unexpected reaction to listen.

“There was no other way to stop her, I couldn’t let her keep hurting you like this”

“Merlin, I know” Arthur answered, lifting his face to look at his betrothed and to reassure him he understood. “You had to do it, there was no other way”

“You... you understand?” Merlin dared to ask.

“Of course. There was no way she was going to be who she had once been. We could have never brought her back, and the lives of all the citizens of Camelot were at risk as long as she lived”

“Especially yours”

“Yes, especially mine. I know you did it for me, Merlin. Don’t feel guilty, please. It was the only thing you could do” Arthur explained, once again breakings into tears.

“Then... what’s wrong, Arthur?”

“I just need to mourn my sister. The real Morgana, buried under all this hate and madness. The one I grew up with and whom I loved so much. You understand, right?”

“Of course I understand, Arthur” Merlin replied, kneeling next to the king to put his arms around him in a comforting embrace, placing a gentle kiss to the side of his neck. “We’ll remember her as the sister she once was to you”

Merlin patiently held Arthur as he sobbed for his lost sister, the only family he had left now their father was dead. Merlin felt somehow relieved they were never going to have to fear Morgana again, but he understood Arthur’s pain and wished he could share it with him.

“Come on, Arthur” Merlin gently encouraged Arthur to move. “We should go and have a look at your injuries”

“You’re right” Arthur agreed with Merlin, and turned to look at the woman in his arms one last time. “Goodbye, my sister” Arthur whispered before he rested a kiss on her forehead, and then he finally let go of her and let himself be helped on his feet and away from the last member of his disgraced family.

With an infinite sadness in his heart, Arthur tried to focus at the warm arms around him, the ones that had always provided so much comfort and love. As much as he had lost, he tried to think in everything that would blossom in his life without Morgana’s thread: they would finally have peace in Camelot and he would get to share it with the love of his life.

“Arthur!” A scared voice took the couple out of his stupor, and they noticed how Leon and their other friends had come to their encounter. “Are you alright?”

Arthur lifted his head from Merlin’s shoulder and nodded unconvincingly. The fact he didn’t even try to hide his tears from the knights told Merlin about how bad he was hurting, and he decided to speak on his behalf.

“He’s alright, boys” Merlin assured them, warmly squeezing Arthur’s body in silent understanding.

“But he’s bleeding, and he looks kind of battered” Leon insisted, worried for his friend and his obviously troubled state.

“It’s nothing” Arthur finally found his voice, letting himself be gently pushed to the door.

“Nothing a little bit of caring won’t cure” Merlin added, making sure Arthur understood he was not going to let it go until he had made sure none of his injuries were serious. Nor that he expected Arthur to push him away from his side at a time like this, though.

“Is Morgana...?” Gwaine started, once Arthur and Merlin had moved and were not blocking his view of the priestess’s dead body, but Merlin didn’t let him finish.

“Yes” he interrupted, his arms squeezing Arthur’s body against his chest even more strongly.

“We’ll get rid of her” Elyan offered, feeling it was what their King and friend would want.

“No!” Arthur answered, a little more forcefully that he had intended.

“No?”

“No, please. I just...” Arthur tried to explain, but he didn’t seem to be able to find the right words.

“Could you take care of her? For a proper funeral?” Merlin intervened.

“A funeral?” Percival exclaimed, surprised.

“Yes. The funeral Arthur’s sister deserves” Merlin explained, hoping they would understand without having to give more explanations in front of Arthur, when his pain was just too recent and obvious.

“But sire...” Percival insisted.

“Of course, Arthur. We’ll arrange it” Leon interrupted, immediately understanding the pain in his friend’s heart. He had seen the siblings grow together, after all, and even he could find some place in his heart for a bit of compassion for who Morgana had once been.

“Thank you, Leon” Arthur sincerely thanked his best friend.

“Whatever you need, Arthur”

“I’ll get this one to his room now to take care of him” Merlin said with a little smile as the knights moved to let them pass, all of them making sure to establish some kind of physical contact with Arthur –a pat in the arm, a caring hand on his shoulder– as an offer of comfort.

“What happened with the battle?” Arthur suddenly asked just before they were out of the room, suddenly remembering about what had taken them there.

“All taken care of. Without Morgana, they were no match for us. Essetir will not bother us again for a long time” Leon promised, knowing it was exactly with his friend needed to hear in a moment like that.

“Good. At least some good has come out of all this nightmare” Arthur said, apparently lost in his own thoughts, but he immediately remembered his position as a king. “If there are any prisoners, just let them go. I want to end with all this as soon as possible”

“We’ll release them immediately, sire”

“Thank you” Arthur felt honestly grateful towards his knights, knowing they could count on them for anything and they wouldn’t let him down.

He finally let himself be taken along the corridor by loving arms around his body, suddenly feeling the need of hiding in his room and away from anything and anyone for days. From anyone, except Merlin, of course. If he had anything to say in this, Merlin would hide away with him for all eternity and he wouldn’t need anything else.

“Thank you” Arthur suddenly said in a soft voice.

“For what?” Merlin asked, surprised, looking at his lover straight in the eye.

“For loving me” Arthur answered in all honesty, taking a halt on their walk to fall in Merlin’s full embrace, letting himself be engulfed in Merlin’s love and understanding.

“You don’t have to thank me for that” Merlin whispered in Arthur’s ear, his hand establishing a rhythm through the hair that fall in the back of Arthur’s neck. “It’s not like I can help it” he joked.

“I’m glad. You’re all I’ve got now, Merlin”

“As honoured as I am to hear you say that, I’m not”

“No?”

“No. You’ve got friends, very good friends, and a lot of people that love you. You know you’re like a son to Gaius. And there’s Leon, and the rest of the knights. And your people love you too, Arthur. You’ll never be alone” Merlin explained, placing a gentle kiss just above Arthur’s ear to reinforce his words.

“You’re right” Arthur admitted with a little smile. “I should be grateful for all these wonderful people around me”

“You should”

“You’re still the centre of my life, though” Arthur joked, getting them both walking towards his chambers again.

“I hope so” Merlin chuckled as he planted another kiss on Arthur’s cheek, eliciting a small smile out of him. They had suffered a lot, and they had lost a lot. But they still got each other, and their love feeling stronger than ever. And that was enough for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost finished! Just a little epilogue to go!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, at last!! I'm sorry it took me so long to post the last chapter but well... it hasn't been easy for me to write these past few weeks/months and I wasn't able to finish it sooner. I hope you haven't lost the interest in it and still want to read it!
> 
> I wanted to thank everyone who read this story, especially those ones who took the time to review (some of you one time after the other, you're amazing!). It's been a wonderful journey for me and I'll be very sad to say goodbye to these characters! So really, thank you.
> 
> And now, please, enjoy! ;)

Merlin felt like he had been round the whole castle at least three times that day, just making sure everything was getting ready as it should for the big event that was going to take place next day. He couldn’t stop a little smile breaking into his lips at the thought that, same time tomorrow, he wouldn’t be Arthur’s betrothed anymore but his husband. An adoring and caring husband whose whole purpose in life would be to make Arthur happy, especially after all he had been through in the last few weeks and that had had a deep effect in the once carefree and happy young man.

And thinking about the man he wanted to make happy more than anything in the world, Merlin suddenly realised he hadn’t seen him since that morning when they had separated and he didn’t have any idea where he was. He knew the knight training had been put off until after the wedding (especially now Camelot wasn’t in danger anymore). He also knew it had been Merlin himself who had insisted for Arthur not to take any part in the preparations, wanting for everything to be a surprise on their special day, and also wanting Arthur to have a quiet day for himself before all the excitement that was about to come in the next days.

But Merlin still didn’t like not knowing where Arthur was. Or how he was. Merlin knew Arthur was very excited about them being really and officially together, and was looking forward to their wedding as much as he was, but he was still having some difficulty in coming to terms with everything that had happened lately. His eyes were filled with a nostalgic sadness every now and then, when he thought Merlin couldn’t see him. He had not recovered from his father’s death yet when he had also had to bury his sister, however necessary her death might have been for the Kingdom’s peace and how she had changed from the sister he had once known and loved. And... Merlin knew Arthur was completely alright with his magic now, he was even proud of it. Hey, he had even made it public to the whole kingdom, his voice full of pride and defiance in case anyone dared to make even the slightest comment against Merlin, and had immediately lifted the ban against magic, as long as it was used for good purposes. But still the discovery Merlin was a wizard and the disappointment at not feeling trusted by him had been a deep blow to his already wounded heart, even if they had already put that behind them and all was better than ever between them.

Suddenly having a strong urge to see his lover, Merlin closed his eyes and tried to establish a mental connection with him to see where he was. Their love was so strong it was not difficult for him to see Arthur was not in his room, as he might have presumed, but in the chamber where Uther’s body had been laid to rest. And that probably meant he needed him.

**********

Arthur was standing in front of his father’s tomb, paying his respects as he used to do whenever he missed him so much it felt too overwhelming. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he jumped at the unexpected intrusion of a soft knocking in the chamber’s door.

“Arthur?” Merlin’s voice came from behind the door, eliciting a tiny smile in Arthur’s lips. He should have known Merlin would come sooner or later, worrying about him. He always did.

“Enter” Arthur answered, giving his permission for Merlin to open the door, though he still wasn’t ready to turn his eyes away from his father’s tomb.

“Are you alright, Arthur?” Merlin asked, his head poking around the door. “I didn’t want to interrupt you, but I hadn’t heard from you for a long while and I was getting worried”

“I’m alright” Arthur answered, twisting his neck just a little to be able to look and smile at his lover.

“I’ll leave you alone then” Merlin smiled back and turned to go, with the intention of closing the door behind him, but Arthur stopped him first.

“No” he said, stretching his arm towards him as an invitation to enter, to which Merlin couldn’t refuse.

The young warlock felt strange going into the chamber where Uther’s body laid to rest. He had never been there before, not even when Uther died and he had spent the night just outside the door to give Arthur some much needed space without leaving him alone. It felt like such an intimate place, the only way Arthur had to feel a little closer to his father, that he would have felt like an intruder. But now it was Arthur asking him to share it with him, and Merlin felt both honoured and wanting to be there for him. So he walked all the way across the big chamber to where Arthur was standing and put his arms around him from behind, his lips placing a gentle kiss on the back of Arthur’s neck before his own chin came to rest on Arthur’s shoulders.

“Are you alright?” Merlin repeated. “Is everything well?”

“I just... came here to make peace with my father’s memory” Arthur answered, his voice so soft it felt like a whisper.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s... a little bit complicated” Arthur answered, obviously feeling troubled.

“I’ll do my best to understand, if you wish to share it to me” Merlin kindly offered, one of his hands moving to the side of Arthur’s head to move the hair out of his face in a tender gesture.

“I’ve never told you this, but...” Arthur started, but he seemed to be having some trouble to put his thoughts into words. “Since my father died sometimes I’ve felt kind of...”

“What?” Merlin encouraged him, squeezing Arthur’s middle more strongly.

“Guilty” Arthur confessed in a whisper, eliciting a sympathetic sigh from his lover.

“Arthur, we’ve been through this already. It’s not your fault, it was your father’s decision to give his life to save yours. And you had been drugged in order for you to be incapable of fighting back, so there was little you could do”

“I know that, or at least I do most of the time. It’s not that I’ve felt guilty about”

“Then what is it?”

“About... about everything I’ve done that goes against my father’s beliefs” Arthur explained. “I let men who were not from noble families become my closest knights and friends, I let people with magic get away with it and then there’s...”

“Us” Merlin interrupted, suddenly understanding.

“Yes” Arthur confirmed.

“Are you having second thoughts about tomorrow?” Merlin genuinely asked, with no trace of regret in his voice.

“No!” Arthur was quick to deny, almost offended at the thought of rejecting Merlin.

“Because we don’t have to do it if you’re not sure” Merlin offered.

“Merlin, no” Arthur insisted, turning around in Merlin’s embrace to face him and put his own arms around him. “I’ve never regretted anything about us”

“But you said you felt guilty”

“Yes, I felt guilty. I don’t do anymore, though. How could I, when you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me? When I know for sure it’s impossible something that makes us this happy can be anything but good?” Arthur explained, not able to stop the beautiful smile that was breaking in his lips, to which Merlin responded with one of his own.

“Do you really mean it?” Merlin asked, already knowing the answer.

“Of course. I felt guilty because I knew my father wouldn’t approve, not because I had any doubts myself. I’ve never been surer about anything in my life”

“I’m glad to hear that” Merlin confessed, bringing Arthur to him in a loving embrace, his hand caressing the hair falling on the back of the blond’s head.

“I’m sorry if I troubled you with my worries” Arthur apologized in the comfort of Merlin’s embrace.

“It’s alright” Merlin immediately refused his apologies. “If there is something going on in your head I want to know, however bad you might think it is”

Arthur smiled gratefully at his lover and rested his head on the sorcerer’s shoulder, letting Merlin’s arms hold him more closely in a protective embrace that never failed to make him feel so loved and secure.

They remained like that, in silence, their bodies lightly rocking together, for a couple of minutes, until Arthur broke it, still needing to voice all of what was inside his head, wanting to keep his promise about not letting any secrets come between them again.

“You know what the funniest thing is?” he asked, though Merlin could see from the tone of his voice that Arthur didn’t find what was about to say funny at all.

“What is it, love?” Merlin asked, forcing Arthur to lift his head with a finger under his chin so he could look at him.

“I... I don’t know why but I can’t stop thinking how, to the eyes of my father, you’re probably the worst choice I could have picked as my consort”

“Why?” Merlin asked, trying not to feel offended or affected by it, knowing Arthur didn’t share Uther’s views about most things.

“Well, you’re a man, for starters. And you were a servant, so no allegiances could come from our marriage. And then...”

“I have magic” Merlin finished for him, understanding.

“A triple treat” Arthur continued with a humourless smile. “He would have killed me had he known”

“I wouldn’t have let him” Merlin answered, only half joking.

“I believe you” Arthur answered, with a honest chuckle this time. “We would have had to run away. I surely would have renounced to the throne before renouncing to you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Of course I do” Merlin assured him, his hands cupping Arthur’s cheeks to reinforce his words. “I saw you defy your whole court just for me”

“And I would have done the same if my father had still been alive” Arthur confidently answered.

“And that’s why you feel guilty” Merlin said, comprehensively.

“I guess. I disagree with most of what my father did and believed, but I still love him. And I still wanted him to be proud of me”

“I know that. I understand” Merlin reassured him.

“And that’s why I wanted to make peace with him. Or with myself, really. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I don’t think there is any reason for me to feel like that”

“There really isn’t. You deserve to be happy”

“My father had his beliefs, but I have mine” Arthur went on, wanting to make sure Merlin understood the difference between him and his father. “And that is the way I’ve decided to live my life and rule my kingdom. I will always love him and respect him, but it’s up to me now to make my own decisions”

“It is” Merlin answered, feeling absurdly proud of his loved one.

“And my decision will always be you” Arthur confessed with a tender smile, now he being the one to cup Merlin’s cheek tenderly, “as I’ll show you tomorrow”

“I already know that, you don’t have to show me” Merlin answered with a smile of his own, moving Arthur’s hand to his lips to kiss its palm.

“I hope that, if there is any way he can see me, he will be able to be happy for me” Arthur wished aloud, although he was mostly speaking to himself.

“I know he will. And I know he’d be so proud of you if he could see the King you’ve become...”

“You think?” Arthur’s smile was so genuine and innocent that for a second he looked like a hopeful little kid, and Merlin had to hug him once again, feeling the need to protect him against all the bad in the world.

“I’m absolutely positive” Merlin assured him, even if he had his own doubts about it. He had known Uther, and had had the chance to see how demanding and strict he was with his son most of the time. But he had also seen a few occasions in which Uther had been unable to deny how much he loved Arthur, how proud he was of having him as a son. And hadn’t he given his life for his son’s in the end? Maybe it wasn’t such a crazy idea to think he could have eventually accepted Arthur for whom he was and for whom he had chosen to love. At least he would make sure Arthur would believe it. “He loved you almost as much as I do, I know that”

“Thank you, Merlin” Arthur reinforced his gratefulness with a strong kiss to Merlin’s lips. “I would have never been able to get over... everything without you”

“And you’ll never be without me anymore” Merlin confidently promised. “From tomorrow, our lives start anew, alright?”

“Alright” Arthur smiled, almost shyly.

Merlin gave Arthur a heartfelt smile to match the one on his lover and then he put his arm around Arthur’s shoulders, gently pushing him to the door and away from any ghosts of the past. Maybe Uther or Morgana weren’t there anymore to share their happiness, but they were surrounded by friends who loved them and he would personally make sure Arthur would never feel alone again. Certainly, a new life for them was starting. And Merlin doubted it could get any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that's it!
> 
> I really hope you weren't disappointed about not seeing the wedding, but I really felt nothing I could write would really do justice to such an important moment, so I decided to leave it like that.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading and for being there! You guys are the best!


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